Yes, You’re Probably An Alcoholic.

I should know.

My name is Ben F. and I’m an alcoholic.

And if you’re reading this post, you probably are too.

On November 5 of this year I marked my two-year sobriety anniversary. And this holiday season marked the first time I managed to get through the season without a single serious booze trigger. Granted, we’re not at New Year’s Eve quite yet, but I’m not all that worried. After all, I’ve always hated NYE. Even with alcohol it was always over-hyped and underwhelming.

It’s been quite a journey, as I’m sure it will continue to be.

I’ve been extremely fortunate to have the support of a life partner who, to my mind, has always been the textbook non-alcoholic. She will occasionally have a glass of wine, and maybe even a coffee with Bailey’s, but very sparingly. Moreover, I have not once heard her utter the ominous phrase so often heard in our culture: Man, do I ever need a drink!

Growing up I remember my mother chiding my father for uttering this phrase, and then later me when I came to be of legal age. “No, you don’t need a drink! You want a drink,” she would assert. But no, I seriously felt as though I needed a drink. I needed it to assuage my nerves and make me feel as though I could get through the day without jumping out of my skin. I did need a drink. Or so I thought.

My last year of being a full-on drinker can more or less be divided into two halves. For the first half of the year, I found myself putting in a lot of wasted energy trying to prove to myself (largely through online surveys and the like) that I was not an alcoholic, that my drinking was indeed within “normal” parameters. It wasn’t, and really never was, but I was so eager to square this circle that I blasted through just about every self-examination quiz I could find, all of which informed me, in no uncertain terms, that I probably had a drinking problem.

This was followed by about six months of essentially daring myself to quit drinking, which ultimately led to my doing a year of sobriety. A year later I opened the liquor cabinet door ajar and promptly blew it off its handles, leading me, two months later, to my enduring decision to quit drinking permanently. Two years and nearly two months have passed since my November 5, 2016 quit and I’m still sober, and evermore certain that I made the only healthy decision there was to make.

If you’re reading this post, chances are you fall within one of the following categories:

1. You drink but are worried that you drink too much and might have a problem.
2. You’re certain that you have a problem and you’re currently mustering the strength to quit.
3. You’ve recently quit and are looking for positive reinforcement.
4. You are fairly secure in your quit and interested in other people’s recovery stories.
5. Like my wife, you don’t have an alcohol problem at all but have friends and/or loved ones who do.

In other words, there’s roughly an 80 percent chance that you’re an alcoholic if you’re reading this post.

How do you know if you fall within this 80-percentile? I can only speak for myself and my own experience, but here’s what I’ve generally found to be true.

1. If you’re asking yourself if you’re an alcoholic, you probably are. I for one have never had cause to ask myself whether or not I was addicted to, say, marijuana, which I partake in every now and again and have not once felt like I needed it. If you’re asking the question, some part of you at least probably knows the answer, and it’s not the answer you want to hear.
2. If you’ve ever cajoled yourself to “cut down” you’re probably at least mildly addicted to it, and it would probably be way simpler if you just quit.
3. If you’ve done more than one self-diagnosis quiz for alcoholism within recent memory you’re probably an alcoholic.
4. If you worry about losing friends and/or souring relations with your family by quitting, you’re probably an alcoholic — and chances are your friends and relatives are too.
5. If you know how late your local liquor store closes on any given day of the week, you’re probably an alcoholic.
6. If you’ve ever lied to your partner or your friends or family about how much you’ve had to drink on any given day, you’re definitely an alcoholic.
7. If you think Charles Bukowski is a great poet, you’re probably an alcoholic.
8. If you find yourself nodding off at the office because you don’t sleep properly (because you’re drinking too close to bedtime and dehydrating yourself) you’re almost certainly an alcoholic.
9. If you find yourself short-tempered and defensive when people ask you about your drinking, you’re most definitely an alcoholic.
10. If you’ve ever said “it’s wine o’clock” unironically or you have one of those stupid signs to that effect in your house, you’re probably a really annoying alcoholic.
11. If you’ve ever used your ethno-cultural background as an excuse for drinking (“I’m not an alcoholic, I’m just Irish/Ukrainian/from Yorkshire/whatever.”) you’re probably an alcoholic.
12. If you frequently assert that you “drink in moderation” you probably don’t.
13. If you’ve ever had a drinking and driving violation, at least beyond your days of high school stupidity, you’re almost certainly an alcoholic.
14. If you’ve ever used a recipe that called for booze as an excuse to buy a way-larger-than-necessary bottle of whatever the recipe calls for, you’re definitely an alcoholic.
15. If you’ve ever made sure there’s a “booze buffer” in your bank account, you’re an alcoholic for sure.
16. If you’ve ever been truly embarrassed about how drunk you were when your spouse had to pick you up somewhere, you’re almost certainly an alcoholic.
17. If you’ve ever walked past an addictions clinic/AA meeting/detox centre and dared yourself to walk in and get help, you’re definitely an alcoholic — but you’re getting really close to turning the corner.
18. If you’ve gotten this far in reading this post and have been steadily nodding your head, you’re definitely an alcoholic. If you’re still reading and you’re not an alcoholic, you’re no doubt shaking your head, not nodding it.
19. If this post is making you angry, you’re almost certainly an alcoholic.
20. I actually don’t have a number 20, but yeah, you’re probably an alcoholic.

I’m sure there’s more I can add to this list, but that’s all I’ve got for now. For those of you who are sober for the first time this holiday season, I salute you! It does get easier from here, I can assure you. And for those of you who are steeling themselves for sobriety in 2019, I encourage you to take the plunge. No, it’s not easy, but it is remarkably simple — just don’t drink! Trust me, your body and brain don’t need it.

And for those of you who are still insistent that you just need to “cut down”, I implore you — just try quitting! I think you’ll find it’s a lot easier.

Happy New Year!