Your Attachment Style Matters, But Don’t Get Attached To It
It’s not your identity.
It can be incredibly difficult to get in touch with the deepest parts of ourselves and recognize why we are the way we are, or why we feel the way we feel.
For many years, I didn’t understand why I was unable to find normal, healthy, secure relationships. I’d feel overwhelmed by people who had genuine feelings for me, and I’d feel attracted to people who pushed me away — just like I pushed those who loved me.
After many months of introspection and diving into psychology books, I eventually came to the realization that I had an anxious-avoidant attachment style. Suddenly, everything made sense.
If you’re new to attachment theory, it’s essentially a psychological approach that focuses on how our early relationships influence our current beliefs, behavior and expectations regarding love and intimacy — specifically our relationships with our caretakers.
It helps you realize why you attract a certain type of partners, why you’re so insecure or why you find it difficult to express your real feelings.
In my case, my anxious-avoidant attachment style made it very difficult for me to feel safe and be consistent. How could I feel safe if my past relationships had always been chaotic? How could I be consistent if I’d never had a stable relationship before?
Attachment theory can really be a wonderful tool to understand your inner world and your emotional tendencies.
However, it’s crucial that we know how to use that knowledge — and that’s what I’m sharing with you today.
Your Attachment Style Is Not Your Identity
Throughout our life, we identify as many things: our job, our family role, our sexual orientation, political values and personality traits. We say I’m a mother, I’m a lawyer, I’m an introvert, I’m an actor, I’m an activist or I’m a liberal.
Our identities make us feel comfortable. They tell us who and what we are. But sometimes, when we’ve been carrying an identity for long enough, we get attached to it. We lose our ability to see life outside that box we’ve put ourselves into.
Identities are dangerous because they take away our power. Ironically, they shouldn’t have any power at all — they’re just the result of our past experiences, that lead to a series of beliefs and behaviors. We only give them power once we hold onto them.
This applies to your attachment style. If you keep telling yourself, I’m anxious or I’m avoidant, you’ll end up feeling powerless because you’re assuming that’s just who you are and can’t do nothing about it. And that’s not true.
Once you label yourself as something, what you’re really doing is reinforcing that identity and limiting yourself to that specific label. So, let’s be honest: do you really want to be insecurely attached for the rest of your life?
We all have a secure version within ourselves. We all have the ability to let go of our conditioning and find the intimacy we so deeply crave.
When we finally become aware of our attachment style, we have two options: we can either blame our past experiences for our current pain, or we can take our power back and become more secure.
“Attachment patterns are passed down from one generation to the next. Children learn how to connect from parents and caregivers, and they in turn teach the next generation. Your attachment history plays a crucial role in determining how you relate in adult romantic relationships, and how you relate to your children. However, it is not what happened to you as a child that matters most — it is how you deal with it. Many people go from victim to overcomer.”
Terry Levy, in Four Styles Of Adult Attachment
You Can Always Take Your Power Back
Instead of viewing your attachment style as an identity that you can’t let go of, you can use it as a tool to increase your self-awareness and improve your intimate relationships.
Becoming secure is definitely a long process but it can be done with courage and determination. All it takes is the willingness to be honest with yourself and recognize what’s holding you back.
- What are your beliefs regarding love and relationships? Where do they come from?
- Do you believe love will always lead to pain and/or anxiety? Why?
- If you feel constantly jealous and insecure, do you think you’re projecting past wounds onto other people? Or is it your partner that doesn’t make you feel secure?
- If you have the tendency to attract emotionally unavailable people, why do you think you chase people who don’t give you what you deserve? It it because you actually don’t believe you deserve to be loved — so you unconsciously feel safer around people who confirm this belief?
Every person is different, but I can share with you what I did to change my attachment style to secure:
- I identified my fears and emotional wounds. I realized there were 2 main reasons why I was so afraid of relationships: abandonment issues from my childhood as well as my first romantic relationship. I was carrying a huge, subconscious fear of being abandoned again (I’m adopted).
- I questioned them. Why do I push people away? Why do I assume people are always going to abandon me at some point? Is it because that would prove to me what I already know — that I’m unlovable and unworthy of love? Is that really true or am I self-sabotaging?
- I created a new narrative. Once I identified what was holding me back, I changed my internal dialogue. I started telling myself that it was safe to be vulnerable and open up. That I was worthy of love, and that love didn’t have to painful. I started saying no to people that I knew were not interested in something stable and committed, and I allowed myself to set boundaries.
Weeks after I initiated this process, I met the person I am with now. And the truth is, the process never really stopped. It’s been almost 4 years and no matter how amazing and magical our connection is, I’m still healing and finding new ways to be more secure.
From time to time, wounds reappear and emotions come up to the surface. That’s okay. In fact, I believe that’s precisely the purpose of a secure, conscious relationship: to support us in our personal growth journey, so that we can evolve both individually and as a couple.
Your attachment style is not your identity, it’s just the result of your past experiences. You can use those experiences to limit yourself, or you can use them to grow and heal.
At the end of the day, attachment theory is a tool that only you can choose how to apply — and you can choose to be more secure.
How? Making a conscious effort to get in touch with your fears, feelings and insecurities. Catching yourself exhibiting unhealthy, insecure behavior. Changing your internal dialogue and getting out of your own way.
I promise it’s worth every effort.
