Summary

The text humorously addresses the misconception of using the Lord's name in vain, advocating for divine inclusion in human intimacy.

Abstract

The satirical piece, written as a direct address from God, challenges the traditional interpretation of the commandment against taking the Lord's name in vain. It humorously suggests that Moses misinterpreted the commandment, which was not about profanity but about excluding God from the intimate moments of human life. The author, through the voice of God, expresses frustration at being invoked only during climax without being part of the experience. The text emphasizes God's role in creating the pleasures of life, including sex, and playfully requests to be included in the enjoyment. The piece concludes with a tongue-in-cheek invitation from God to engage in a more intimate relationship, promising amazing experiences in return.

Opinions

The author playfully criticizes the common use of religious figures' names during sexual climax, suggesting it is a form of exclusion rather than true invocation.
There is a humorous assertion that God's name is often misused in expressions of surprise or excitement, rather than being included in the experiences that prompt such reactions.
The text satirically implies that God feels left out and underappreciated for the pleasures of life that are taken for granted by humans.
The piece humorously suggests that God desires to be part of human intimacy, offering to contribute to enhanced experiences.
The author uses the concept of God's loneliness and desire for inclusion as a means to critique societal norms around religion and sexuality.
Through the voice of God, the author advocates for a more inclusive and experiential approach to faith, where divine presence is acknowledged in all aspects of life.

Satire

Yes, Thou Shalt not Take my Name In Vain

But please let Me in on the action.

Dear, dear misguided followers,

Let me get something straight for once and for all. Moses had it all wrong.

See, he taught that what I meant by using my name in vain had to do with profanity. As in G-d Damn it! Or Jesus H. Christ. Or even Jesus F*ing Christ. By the way, neither “H” nor “F*ing” is my middle name. It’s “a.” I’m serious. It’s “a.” not capital “A” but lower case “a.” As in Jesus, a Christ.

Let me explain. When I said, greater things than I do so shall ye do…or something to that effect, I was serious. So I consider myself one among many. With one crucial caveat.

I don’t want to be in your love-making in name only. Damn it!

Do you think you are honoring me by calling out my name in your final throws of orgasm? Like a ritualistic homage?

No, you invite me to the party when it’s all over but the shouting. How do you think that makes me feel?

Let me ask you. How would you feel if people all over the world were having sex with your name on their lips at the crescendo moment, but did not have the common courtesy to extend to you an invitation to the soiree?

I could see if it happened once or twice. An oversight. But this goes on and on and on. Night after night.

Have you ever been the last one picked for a softball game? Well, at least you got picked. At least you were in the line-up and got on the team. You probably even got a chance to bat. Now, if you didn’t get to first base, that’s on you.

But I don’t ever make the team.

I make the sun that shines on your games. I make the rain that causes the grass to grow all green and nice on your ballparks and playgrounds. I make the trees you chop up into bats. I make the cotton that supplies your uniforms. I make the popcorn, peanuts and Cracker Jacks.

Well, actually, I make the corn and the nuts and the sugar cane. That’s as far as I go on that one. But you get my drift. I set it all up, so it can all happen. And this is the thanks I get.

After hours and hours (or intense hot minutes) of love-making, I get this token oh, god, oh god, oh god at the end. While you two look blissfully into each other’s eyes, bodies glistening from the glow of it all…I get a shout out.

No kisses, no caresses, no licking and nibbling, no foreplay, no petting, no handjobs, no blowjobs, no penetration, no mounting excitement, no exploding orgasms for me, little Ol’ God who designed the whole delicate and delicious operation in the first place.

I put a lot of time and effort and thought into getting that all set up so y’all would enjoy recreational and pro-creational sex. It was an evolutionary advancement of the highest order. And this is the thanks I get?!!!

How dare you ignore My feelings!!!!

Now, if I were mean or vengeful, I would send all kinds of earthquakes, floods, fires, and hurricanes to earth to teach y’all a lesson.

But I am not a vengeful god. I am a lonely God. All I want is to be included.

And it doesn’t have to be every single time. Just sometimes. Like we could make some onesomes into twosomes, right? And not all, but some twosomes into threesomes, okay? Is that too much to ask?

I promise to be good. It’ll be well worth your while. I may be rusty, but I learn quick. And I can do amazing things with my tongue. You won’t regret this, I can assure you. We can make up for lost time, and I can show you the moon.

Thanks so much my dear ones,

Love, God [email protected] or #fmegod

Marilyn Flower writes political humor and satire to delight socially and spiritually conscious folks. She’s a regular columnist for the prison newsletter, Freedom Anywhere, where she writes about faith and prayer. Five of her short plays have been produced in San Francisco. Clowning and improvisation strengthen her resolve during these crazy times.