Xanax, My Friend, My Nightmare

Trying not to let benzodiazepines take over my life.

Most of my articles now begin with “I started doing X when I was a teenager”, so maybe it is not a surprise to anyone when I say that I started toying with benzodiazepines at quite a young age as well.

My mom got prescribed Lexaurin to help her cope with the loss of her parents and go through a nasty divorce and though I don’t remember how I figured out what the drug is or does, once I discovered that such thing existed, I became fascinated with the “anti-emotion” tablets and began to steal them from my mother to see what they can do and if they really have the power to solve my problems.

It sounds terrible, stealing meds from your anxious mother. But once she found out that I was interested in the pills, she started giving them to me voluntarily with intentions to help me so there’s that. She didn’t know about any of the dangers that came with using Lexaurin.

So I occasionally popped a pill when I was feeling stressed out in high school and that was it. I didn’t have a steady supply so I had to be frugal with them, which is probably what saved me from forming an addiction back then.

Fast forward to university. I went on to study the very thing I was so intrigued with — the chemistry of drugs.

With my Bachelor’s degree in Drug Synthesis (basically a fancy name for medicinal chemistry), I am not the most qualified person to provide information about medications out there. But I am still more informed than your average Joe, so let me give you a quick lecture in benzos 101.

“Benzodiazepines” is an umbrella term for a group of sedative drugs that have similar structures and are used to treat mainly anxiety and insomnia.

Those that don’t immediately send you to sleep, such as Valium (diazepam), Xanax (alprazolam), Lexaurin (bromazepam) or Klonopin (clonazepam) are the ones that are mostly found in mumble rap songs and anxious housewives’ medicine cabinets while the ones with prevailing hypnotic effects have gained notoriety as roofies and date rape drugs, such as Rohypnol (flunitrazepam).

The very first thing you learn about benzos as a medicinal chemistry student is the dose/effect graph.

This graph describes the effect on the central nervous system in relation to dosage. It also puts benzodiazepines in comparison with the previous generation of drugs popular for anxiety and insomnia treatment, the barbiturates.

Barbiturates were, for the record, the ‘Valley of the Dolls’ drugs that caused many deaths, intended or accidental, among celebrities including Jimi Hendrix or Marylin Monroe.

As you can see, unlike in barbiturates’ case, the benzodiazepine effect curve is not linear and does not go up to the “coma” and “death” territories as the dosage increases. That suggests that it is impossible to overdose on benzodiazepines. They are safe to use. But more about that later.

Another great thing about benzos is that you don’t have to be diagnosed with anxiety or any kind of mental health condition to be able to benefit from their use.

Unlike antidepressants, they provide an immediate, short-term effect and work for everyone the same, which makes them a great solution for otherwise neurotypical people who are going through a rough patch in their lives, like my mom back in the day.

And last but not least, your university professors teaching you about these drugs, as well as your doctors handing you your Xanax prescriptions, should tell you that benzodiazepines are recommended to be only used for a short period of time, as they are highly addictive.

So much for science, let’s go back to my own story.

As I was learning all that useful information in university, I started seeing a psychiatrist and, among other things, switched from the occasional Lexaurin to the prescription Xanax. But having the “insider info” about the very drugs I was using was a double-edged sword for me and let me tell you, the edges were sharp.

I tend to not trust doctors very much and thinking that I was now on the same knowledge level as they made me act cocky and irresponsible. After a while, I started experimenting on myself again, altering my dosage and hoarding the pills I didn’t use for later while lying to my doctor that I was taking everything as prescribed.

After all, I only learned the good things about drugs like Xanax in uni. To me, they were a demonstration of amazing medical progress, they were safe to use and yes, I knew that they were addictive but I wasn’t very bothered about that. I am not prone to forming addictions and I was trying to never take them consistently for a prolonged time.

In my eyes, I was smart, responsible, and safe and everyone who displayed signs of concern about my benzo use was a negative Nancy who didn’t understand the complex chemistry behind it.

Here are the things I failed to take into consideration.

• The fact that these drugs haven’t been around for that long, the research on them is not at all finished and not even the best scientists know everything about their benefits and risks
• The interactions between benzos and other chemical substances, such as other medications, alcohol, or illegal drugs
• The fact that the education I received on this topic was incomplete at best, some things have been left out and that my Pharmacology textbook was not an almighty gospel
• The fact that at that point, I have already been using benzodiazepines on and off for years

The turning point came when I failed my state exam.

Before the exam, I, of course, downed a xan with vodka for good luck. I didn’t want to panic and embarrass myself in front of the committee of reputable professors, after all, did I?

I got a question about ibuprofen, a topic I have studied thoroughly. I got this, I thought. Very confident and calm, I started talking. Except what I was saying was wrong. When questioned about it, I insisted that I was correct, so sure in what I remembered. And so they didn’t have any other option but to kick me out of the room. I failed the exam.

Later, I looked up the correct answer and couldn’t believe my eyes. How could my memory fail me like that? How come that I was so certain about something I had completely wrong? How come that I memorized it wrong in the first place? I am the kind of person who remembers every single song lyric, how come that I couldn’t remember a simple fact about ibuprofen?

I started going over what could have possibly gone wrong and that led me towards looking up “Xanax side effects” on the internet. I couldn’t believe what I found out. Turns out that memory problems and temporary memory loss are not only known side effects but very common ones too.

How come I didn’t know about that?

I suddenly felt prompted to look back at my life and how else I might have been affected and I came to the jarring realization that all of the most unexplainable, irrational, uncomfortable, and scary situations I experienced had a common denominator — Xanax or other benzodiazepines were in my system.

The memory failure at my exam. The embarrassing blackout at a party in New Zealand. All the times I acted crazy without any good reason, such as punching my friend in the face. Or that one time I might have accidentally roofied myself and got assaulted. Every single time. Xanned out.

To be completely clear, I am not trying to blame my failures and shortcomings on a pill. I should have known better. But in all those situations, I thought that by taking the xan, I was preventing something bad happening. And instead, I probably unknowingly caused something way worse.

Since that day, I slowly started to re-evaluate my use.

How do you get rid of an addiction that was never really an addiction in the first place? How do you give up the thing that has been with you since you were a teenager, solving your problems and keeping your emotions in check one bar at a time? How do you force yourself to think “Xanax bad” when you were taught that “Xanax great” for years?

Well, I don’t know because I still use Xanax.

I’d like to think that I am more responsible with it now than ever. I made the necessary step of admitting to myself that I was wrong and adjusted my manipulation with the drug accordingly.

I went through a period, almost a year I think, during which I didn’t use it at all. I went to therapy where I tried to learn some other coping mechanisms. I no longer use Xanax “preventively” in anticipation of a stressful or emotionally challenging situation, which is something I used to do quite often. And I made sure not to ever get physically addicted to it.

But the idea of a life without Xanax scares me. I am terrified of not having the option to take one when I feel like I need it. There is nothing quite as effective out there. Weed comes close. But replacing one substance with another doesn’t seem like a healthy solution. And ironically, in my country, I can get Xanax cheaper and easier than I can buy weed.

And that’s why I’m still trying to find a healthy balance that would benefit my life, not sneakily sabotage it.

Here comes my warning to everyone looking to dabble into the world of benzos. They are great for treating anxiety or to help you get over a hurdle in your life. But they are an absolute nightmare in the long run.

I am lucky for not ever becoming physically addicted, but it is the #1 danger of benzodiazepine usage and benzo addiction is a very hard thing to overcome. The withdrawal and detoxing seem to be extremely long-winded and painful.

It is also important to realize that benzodiazepines provide short-term, temporary relief from anxiety, they do not cure anxiety disorders and they definitely do not help with depression at all. They make you feel numb, not happier. Do not try to use them to self-medicate.

One thing I didn’t mention yet is Xanax as a party drug of choice. Maybe I’m too old but I never understood it and probably never will because to me, it only serves the purpose of calming down, something I don’t associate with partying very much. If I know that I am going to be drinking, I am trying to avoid using Xanax as much as I can.

With the partying kids trying to get their hands on benzodiazepines comes the inevitable danger of black market and counterfeits. Consuming fake Xanax laced with the deadly fentanyl is what killed Lil Peep and many others.

No, contrary to a popular belief, you really cannot OD on benzos alone. But that doesn’t mean that they can’t kill you. Add other drugs, medications, and alcohol into the mix and your party can be fatal. And even if you don’t die, you still might get into a situation you don’t want to be in and suffer for the rest of your life.

If you think you need benzodiazepines of any kind, go see a doctor and get a prescription. It’s not that hard these days, as benzos are still largely overprescribed in many countries. Using them under your doctor’s supervision will also help you prevent forming a tolerance that eventually leads to addiction.

But even with that — please be careful and don’t let Xanax run your life like I once did.