What I Learned From Spending A Month Reading Self-Help Books

They’re not like I thought

When I think of self-help books, I think of something out of Penn & Teller’s Bullshit!. Someone’s out looking for an extra buck, so they spread some generic, vague nonsense. More times than not, it screams toxic positivity.

I picture a white, super skinny blonde woman. She’s in her twenties with bright, shining blue eyes, trying too hard to convince me she used to be like me. She looks like she’s never struggled with her weight in her life! Yet, she is trying to tell me she was fat and miserable and a loser. She had no friends, was depressed, and couldn’t find a man.

And then, one day, she decided to be happy, lost weight quickly, found a job fast, and got married instantly.

“What do you mean you can’t do it?” she says in a peppy, condescending tone, “Just change! It’s easy! Unless you’re too scared. You just don’t care enough. You don’t want it enough.”

It takes everything I have not to roll my eyes at Self-Help Barbie. I want to tell her that our skin color is the only thing we have in common, but I decide to walk away instead. And she writes me off as another person she couldn’t save. Poor, pitiful me.

At least that’s how I’d picture things if I met some self-help authors in person. Or so I thought.

As I mentioned in my last article, I read nothing but nonfiction in May. Most of the books were self-help books. Many of these books surprised me!

Four Books Change My Thoughts About Self-Help Books

As you noticed in the beginning, I’m not a fan of self-help. It seems like a sleazy way to trick people into shelling out money. However, I read four books last month that helped change my thoughts about them.

• The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck by Mark Manson
• Let That Shit Go by Nina Purewal and Kate Petriw
• The Gift Of Forgiveness by Katherine Schwarzenegger Pratt
• Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price, Ph.D.

I’m not going to review these books individually. I mentioned my thoughts about them in my Best of May article. The books covered various parts about self-help, but they had many messages in common.

These Books Weren’t Dismissive Of Your Negative Feelings

I thought self-help books hated anything remotely negative. You’re too negative if you can’t change instantly.

These books proved me wrong. All of them said it’s not bad if it takes you a while to change. Shit happens, and you need to feel your feelings before moving on.

People get so irritable if you have negative feelings around them. How you put those feelings into action can come back to haunt you. It’s nice to know there are self-help books that believe in letting you feel your feelings. It’s nice seeing this batch of books tell its readers your emotions are healthy.

It’s refreshing to read people believe in letting people feel. I wouldn’t mind reading more books like that.

They Don’t Focus On Weight Loss As Much As I Thought

Most self-help books I’ve read have a section where the author talks about how fat they used to be. Fatness added to their misery, according to them.

And then, one day, everything changed, and the weight magically melted off their bodies. And suddenly, that sudden change made everything feel like gumdrops and ice cream.

It sounds like bullshit, right? Because it is. Weight loss is hard and can destroy your health if you’re constantly yo-yoing. As someone who’s struggled with weight all her life, I know from firsthand experience you can’t change in a day.

Laziness Does Not Exist sold me on the chapter on taking care of your body. This book is the first self-help book that told you it’s okay to be fat. We’re in the middle of a pandemic. Cut yourself some slack.

The other books mentioned weight in passing, but they didn’t make a big deal about it. Nobody talked about fatness being a sign of misery. The most they said was if you want to do the work, cool. But it’s not a big deal if you don’t. And that’s a fine message with me.

I Wasn’t Getting Punched In The Face With Mystic Simplicity And Toxic Positivity

Last year, I read The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. The message was decent, but there was so much mysticism in it that I had to read it three times to get it. The mystical bullshit took away from the message and turned me off from self-help books.

I’m sure I’m not alone, but when I think of people who read self-help books, I think of people so miserable they’ll do anything to be happy. It’s not that these readers are bad. They could’ve had a life of bad luck or been addicted to wrong choices. But often, they’re looking for a break hoping to find it in self-help. Unfortunately, it isn’t easy to figure out who wants to help and who’s trying to make a quick buck.

Each book wanted its readers to find their happiness, but they took different approaches.

• One book told you to find something to care about and fuck everything else.
• One book taught you to breathe and learn to be mindful of yourself and your surroundings.
• One introduced you to people who found peace through forgiveness.
• One showed you ways to unlearn society’s toxic thinking about productivity.

Did these books expect instant change? No! Each book said it’ll take time to change. Self-help Barbie won’t have any friends with this group of authors.

I Still Don’t Like Self-Help Books Much, But They’re Not As Bad As I Imagined

Self-help Barbie rode off into the sunset after I finished the fourth book. And that’s fine with me! I won’t miss her.

I would’ve rolled my eyes after seeing someone read a self-help book a year ago. Now, I understand why some people turn to them for peace. Some days people need something reassuring to read.

I’m still not a fan of self-help books. It doesn’t mean I’ll roll my eyes at anyone who suggests one. I’ll give it a look and call it a day.

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