Writing Woes or My First 30 Days As a Writer

A beginner’s journey to creative writing

It has barely been one month since I started my writing endeavor and yet, the amount of self-doubt and confusion keeps pilling up. Figuratively, of course.

In the past, if I had read these words from another writer my first thought would have been: “Seriously? You have just started and you are already tearing yourself apart? Take it easy and give it time.”. However, as the person in that very same situation now, those words feel hollow. The fact that I had spent the last few weeks struggling to find the path in my writing journey did not make it easier to identify these mental conflicts. Solid proof of José Saramago’s words in the book The Tale of the Unknown Island:

“You have to leave the island in order to see the island, that we can’t see ourselves unless we become free of ourselves.”

Self-imposed schedule

It all started with a wishful self-imposed schedule of writing one story per week. I kept thinking: “Oh, that is more than fine! Plenty of other people write one story per day! I can produce one story every 7 days.”

Yet, when the weekly deadline rolled around and I did not have a story prepared, I started feeling uneasy and doubtful. Mostly over every story written and research conducted on my writing journey up until this point and what the future would look like. What if I wrote a flop of a story? What if I was never able to finish all the 10+ drafts in my Medium archive? What if the stories just sat there collecting virtual dust?

The list goes on.

There were (and still are) many “What if?” questions on my mind. As a beginner writer, the direction is unclear and that carries both a sense of anything-is-possible as well as a ton of self-doubt. But I suppose all beginners in any particular area face such a conundrum. It is hard to find the balance between believing the best is yet to come and push through the current struggles. Whatever those might be.

Numbers’ obsession

Then I become preoccupied with the marketing aspect of each story. If I was using the right keywords, the hour or day I should post to maximize views, which picture is more eye-catching or if the title was attention-grabbing enough. Should I always aim for 5+ minute reads or how do readers react to more compact 3 minute read stories?

It soon became a numbers game which to me is the creativity ripper. Of course, writers want their story to do well (whatever it is that “well” means to them) but, obsessing over statistics is hardly ever helpful.

Great expectations

As any newcomer to Medium, I was instantly drawn to the big publication such as Marker, The Startup, OneZero, and so on. The goal quickly became to be accepted in those large publications with great audiences. I was unconsciously adopting a sort of tunnel vision where no matter the story, I had to be accepted in publication A, B, or Z.

I forgot that I was writing for myself.

Constant comparison

It is challenging to keep driving in your lane. Multiple times, I would read someone else’s interesting article and wonder: Could I ever reach that size of an audience? Could I write as much as them? Could I replicate their success?

Deep down, I know that this kind of comparison is detrimental to creative writing and progress. Yet, that is hard to remember at times.

Time efficiency

“Am I being efficient with the time I spend on each story?” is the question that would roll around in my head whenever I sat down to write. It was (and still is) a recurrent dilemma, wanting to produce meaningful and valuable stories as well as making sure I wasn’t simply researching “too hard” for an already complex topic. There is nothing wrong with deep diving in scientific research before writing a story but, in my case, this behavior quickly turned into relentless research to accommodate every angle possible. It was exhausting and it would empty all the excitement I was feeling for my upcoming story.

Additionally, as someone who likes discussing different topics and having some diversity of work during their day, it was difficult to commit to finishing one story instead of quickly jumping to another one, without having finalized the former in the first place. Efficiency was key and that meant producing as fast as possible.

I kept thinking that more was better, forgetting that a published story is better than five drafted ones.

Current thoughts and the road ahead

I have to admit, it feels slightly uncomfortable to write down such personal thoughts and share them online. All the stories I have written, whether published or still in drafts, are academically inclined. As a newly graduate, I think the academic style is my default writing method and the “easier” thing to do instead of venturing out, and frankly, step out of my comfort zone.

I want to break free from these self-imposed requirements so they don’t undermine my writing endeavor in the long run. Right now, this ticking box mentality is turning creative writing into a burdensome activity which, it was never supposed to be.

I started writing to organize my thoughts, solidify my arguments, and share topics that I find interesting with whoever feels inclined to “listen in”. It was supposed to be a combination of knowledge sharing and achieving clarity over my confused thoughts.

Yet, now that I am doubtful and uncertain regarding my writing process and not over some article I read on The Economist, it suddenly feels out of place to write on Medium.

It is funny to realize how the place that was supposed to alleviate and dissolve some of my mental roadblocks could so quickly shift and bring new unforeseen ones. It was slowly ceasing to be a place to share my uncertain thoughts, especially about the writing process and the struggles it can bring. I guess this is an unconscious bias of mine.

At the end of the day, I miss the feeling of writing freely and unconfined by my self-imposed rules. That breezy feeling which erases any concept of time and word count.

Perhaps to some people, this seems an overreaction for the first 30 days as a writer. In part, I understand them. Nevertheless, I like to identify the problems and potential roadblocks early on so they can be swiftly addressed and overcame.