Writing is Helping Me Move Past Suicide Ideation
To live our passions we must drop the bread — and then butter it
*Updated 17th December 2022
I’ve been waking up at 3 am recently so full of ideas that I can’t get back to sleep. Part of me chalks it down to being on a new course of antidepressants but the other part — the one that knows better — is trying to tell me something’s up.
I’m unsettled.
I’ve only just emerged from the rabbit warrens of disassociation and am fumbling around in a thicket. Not really sure what I’m doing here but trying to make it work for me.
I’m leaning on the strong tree of writing. It offers me stability, solace, and the regain of some control over what I can’t in other areas. But even then my mind creates ways to self-sabotage.
I’m like ruined bread
Do you know how when you butter bread in your hands and drop it on the plate it almost always lands butter side down?
I think that analogy sums me up quite well. Jumping into something believing it will land but more often than not being short-lived, fruitless and results in me starting over with a new slice.
I tried starting up my own publication too called ‘the nub’, which merges personal storytelling with the ability to summarise the point (the nub) of our greatest lessons for readers.
I nuked it this morning.
My ADHD and self-restraint will probably never see eye to eye. When an idea pops in, it’s there for the long haul until I shove them into articles and hit ‘publish’.
At the time, I think it was the next sliced bread but the reality is far from it.
It must confuse readers when all of a sudden something pops up about a notorious text scam and lessons from a famous minimalist when I’ve just spent the past month talking about my f**ked up mental health.
As much as I want to build my “blogging empire”, I can’t help but question what it is I can bring to the already overcrowded table.
I marvel at the big plates that write about writing and how to make serious money doing it. Wondering how so many people can take from them but they always appear so full. So naturally replenished with suckling pig and goose fat potatoes.
I’ve been writing professionally for over 6 years now, copy and content writing for businesses and PR pitching my eager little heart out. As far as experience goes on paper, I fit the criteria of a good writer, but I think there’s a lot more to it.
What’s missing?
Voice.
The one people hear speaking to them as they read your stories. Whether it's whispering sweet nothings to you from the wings of poetry, or passionately yelling at you to get off your arse and go to the gym.
The writer’s voice is what makes readers decide if they’ll humour you by skimming your stories, leave and never return, or see parts of themselves in them, form connections and keep returning to your plate for more.
All this time I’ve been writing online too afraid to let mine speak. And as much as I don’t like to admit it, mine likes to speak about my f**ked up mental health.
My name is Rose Butcher and I bring sprouts to the table. They make you fart and not everyone likes them — but I do.
So it’s time to shake off past expectations, put entrepreneurial endeavours to one side, and let it speak to the sprout lovers.
So, what does that look like?
Rose Grows
I’m currently climbing my way out of suicide ideation and think the best way to do that is to take a good, hard look at myself and try to unlearn my beliefs and regrow my mental health into something I’m content — even happy — with.
That’s what my free Substack, Rose Grows is all about.
I write things there that can’t be found anywhere else.
Where I open up about who I am, where I’ve been, how I’m changing for the better and how others could possibly do the same.
For instance, my story about attending my first EMDR session… that really wasn’t, and how something positive still came from it.
I’m not sure how far this will go but I’m enjoying sharing it each week.
Patient.info
It’s been months of messages, getting on systems and editing articles but I’m currently just finishing up number 5 and will soon be published!
My author bio is now up on the site.
Seeing myself alongside seasoned journalists and medical professionals makes me proud of how far I’ve come. That’s rare for me.
Being a published health writer is something I’ve wanted ever since my first (sort of) byline in the Metro covering Shannon Ashley’s story.
As much as I’d like to say this is my byline, it’s a glorified ghost. My name’s at the bottom, not front and centre.
Finally being published will change that.
Authoring an anthology
It’s the darndest thing. I share this comment I gave to a University magazine on Mastodon.
That same day, someone responded to it asking if I’d like to contribute to his anthology of ADHD stories. Turns out the guy was involved in a number of early internet developments in the UK and across the world.
Who would have thought somewhere as new as Mastodon could bring about that sort of opportunity for someone like me?
I’m excited.
Editor of Black Bear
Oh, yeah! Did I forget to mention ya girl’s now one of Black Bear’s newest editors?
Well, she is!
At Black Bear, we share informative articles and personal stories about struggling with mental health and substance use disorders.
Black Bear writers, you’ll probably find me leaving notes and scrawling your submissions if you’re in UK/European time zones.
I honestly couldn’t be happier here. Writing personal essays and reflecting through memoirs is something that’s becoming my love language — and finds its way into all of my nonfiction.
It feels like I’ve found my tribe.
Here’s to us, KiKi Walter, Christopher Robin, Preeti Ramachandran, Michele Maize, and whomever else might join the family soon.
We’re all getting there
A big part of why I write stems from the need to help others down from their own mental ledges. I had to struggle through this year believing I needed to detach myself from friends and loved ones until I was “better”.
Spoiler alert — it didn’t work.
I’m still in the thicket catching glimpses of the outside world through the safety of shrubs and tree branches. What I put out there online are my messages to it.
For my sprout lovers out there.
It’s sometimes scary to take a leap of faith. Especially when you’re someone like me whose big Black Bear taught her not to venture too far. But we owe it to ourselves to explore life’s openings and see what works for us.
To live our passions we must drop the bread — and then butter it.
Are you a writer looking for your tribe? Love to read? Want full access to Medium? I’ve got you covered.
