Writing a Really Good Rant is a Lot Harder than It Seems

A few suggestions for venting your spleen

You know I love a good rant; to quote Captain America “I can do this all day.” I don’t, of course, as sitting in a pitch-black room pondering the vast unfathomable mysteries of the Darkness on the Edge of Town album takes up a good chunk of the day. I did manage to work in two semi-rants this week, so in place of my normal Sunday Rant I thought I would instead give you aspiring venters out there a few suggestions for writing that perfect rant.

Merriam-Webster defines “rant” two ways, as a verb and a noun (since my article on Harvard yesterday I’ve been spending some extra time with my dictionary):

Rant (verb): 1) to talk in a noisy, excited, or declamatory manner; 2) to scold vehemently

Rant (noun): 1) a bombastic extravagant speech; 2) bombastic extravagant language

Looking back over some of my previous rants, it seems like they cover both forms of the word, while trying to not be bombastic (good word though, bombastic). I also do my best to not be noisy or extravagant, as we have plenty of that in our lives already.

It’s a fine line we walk when writing rants, though, and while channeling your inner Peter Finch from Network (“I’m as mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this anymore!”) will hold people’s attention and in the best case inspire them, it’s easy to stumble over that line into a poor imitation of Tucker Carlson, and no one needs that. So here are just a few thoughts to consider as you sit down to rage against whatever you have found rage-worthy.

Don’t rant about obscure topics. You may still be enraged about the Fall of Constantinople to the Ottomans on May 29, 1453, and salty at the Venetians for not sending enough ships to end the siege, but most people…see, your eyes glazed over midway through that sentence. If your rant is directed at a tiny niche don’t post it here. Better to save it for that Reddit thread you’re on with six history professors from Appalachian State.

Rants need an ongoing signature unique to you. This gives it something regular readers can look for. In my case, I already mentioned Marvel and Springsteen in the opening paragraph. Eric Pierce will typically work in a Star Wars reference, Simon Dillon will pepper his with awesome English insults, and J.J. Pryor will sing the praises of the peanut butter and tuna sandwich (seriously).

Resist the urge to overuse profanity. This one is important. We have all had moments during our commute to work where, when encountering an idiot driver, we have spewed out a fifteen-word verbal dagger that only contained one word you would use around your grandmother. That works fine in the car, but does not translate well to the page. If not used judiciously, profanity in a written rant is first jarring and then tiring. It should be used rarely, and only for emphasis, or you can blow the whole fucking thing.

Temper the venom with humor. Humor may be the most important part of a good rant, and it’s the one thing neophyte ranters often overlook. You can get away with saying things that make people uncomfortable if they are laughing at the same time; Lindsay Rae Brown has made a career of doing just that. Even the most buttoned-up Baptist will give me a pass for ranting about hypocrisy in the church if I drop in a quip about the fact that her 300-pound pastor has somehow never preached a sermon on gluttony. Humor keeps the rant from devolving into a tantrum.

Expect blowback. By their very nature, rants will often be polarizing, even in an echo chamber like Medium. If you’re going to rant, don’t expect everyone to simply agree with you; you need to develop a thick skin in this game, even thicker than for writing in general. If someone will write a 500-word comment telling me that I have in fact not been happier writing full-time than I was in my soul-sucking retail job, then you can be sure some lurking MAGA-moron will counter that Greg Abbott is not the worst governor to ever walk the planet, no matter how many kids he kills by banning mask mandates (they only matter before they’re born anyway, right Greg?). Healthy debate is fine, expected, and encouraged, but rest assured that if you rant, the trolls will also come.

Do not feed the trolls. Just don’t. Engaging with them only sucks time and energy better used writing that next article, organizing your sock drawer, or deworming the cat. You will not sway them, and it is a fool’s errand to even try. The futility of such an effort is in direct proportion to the number of misspelled words in their comment. Mute them, block them, but do not answer them. That is exactly what they want; mentally invite them to go intercourse themselves and move along.

That’s six suggestions for writing a solid rant. Six is plenty for this fine Sunday morning, since you should be composing your own and submitting it to the new repository of all things rant-worthy, the Blow Your Stack publication shepherded by Jessie Waddell. So go pour a wee splash o’ the Bailey’s in that coffee, turn up Social Distortion’s self-titled third album, and get to ranting.