Writing Advice: Pronoun Usage

Write with Empathy, or Spare Me Your Advice

Your use of “you” and “we” is annoying as Hell.

This isn’t your ordinary self-help story. I’m not here to give you life advice; I’m (probably) not your mother, unless one or both of my children have taken to reading what I post on the Internet. I’m not going to give you a listicle of “3 Things You’re Writing That Make Me Want to Punch You in the Face,” but I think you’re smart enough to read between the lines.

I am.

And I am tired of reading “helpful” articles by know-it-alls who are ready to exploit my insecurities by telling me I’m doing everything wrong. How about you? Are you ready to join me in my general reading strike, which now includes articles using the pronoun “you” that proceed to tell “me” that I am fucking up my entire life by not doing it “their” way?

I read one, a few minutes ago — I won’t quote it, so as not to call them out and shame them — where the author slipped up with a “you” but tried, in the same breath, the very same sentence, to use “our.” Nah, honey, you meant “you.” Own it. “You should stop posting so much on social media” and “you should stop caring so much what others think” — we all should, and the proper pronoun is “we.” Because you, Dear Sanctimonious Author, are just as much of an attention whore as the rest of us.

Don’t tell me, in the comments, that I am doing the exact same thing I’m ranting about — yes, of course I am. “(You) Stop being a judgy know-it-all!” We all do it, and if you have the sheer audacity to tell me otherwise, then you do it louder and prouder than anyone. It is always easier to give advice than to take it. But this is a rant. Am I pretending to be helpful, or am I admitting to being honestly, unabashedly, annoyed by Little Miss Perfect, using a social media platform to tell me I use one too much and too often?

I’m not saying she’s wrong about that. I’m just suggesting she join the human race and own up — she’s doing it, too, or she wouldn’t be posting screeds on the Internet, she’d be out gardening or something.

The Accusatory “You”

There is a subtle difference between how these messages are received on the Reader’s end:

“3 Things You MUST Stop Doing If You Want to Be Taken Seriously”

and

“3 Things We Can All Do to Guarantee Our Readers Will Get the Message”

Avoid pointing fingers. A writer who who admits to having imperfections, to having learned through experience the lessons they’re about to share, is more likely to be “heard” and taken seriously. If they are willing to share their own experience to illustrate their points, they gain rapport and establish a stronger connection with their audience.

A reader who feels attacked or criticized is more likely to get defensive than to be receptive to the ideas they’re reading. I don’t know about you, Dear Reader, but when I feel defensive I start reading for the sake of argument — not reading for the sake of learning or for a sense of connection with the author. I read for the author’s inaccuracies and logical fallacies, and delight in finding ammunition to destroy the author’s entire premise. The worst part about that? It makes me feel bad about myself. I don’t like that impulse, so I really don’t like anyone who provokes it and brings it out to play.

“We” is a more empathetic pronoun, but don’t use it if you don’t mean it. “We kill for sport” sounds stupid, unless you’re a hunter and you’re writing for a hunting magazine. “You kill for sport” is fighting words. “Some people kill for sport” is accurate and neutral.

If you are writing for a hunting magazine, you might follow an empathetic “We kill for sport,” or an inclusive “Some people kill for sport,” with, “What people opposed to hunting don’t understand is how our sport helps us to feed our community and ensure diversity in the local ecosystem.”

If you are writing for PETA, you might tone down the accusatory use of “you” with “Some people kill for sport,” and follow it with, “Fortunately, the tide is turning; more and more people are learning to love the Vegan lifestyle and the health benefits it confers.” It’s simply more persuasive than, “You kill for sport, you psychopath!”

Pronouns as a Means of “Othering” vs. “Inclusion”

Choose Your Pronouns Wisely

Mine is s/h/it. It’s all-inclusive. But please pronounce it correctly and don’t call me “shit.” That’s offensive.

I’ve become more and more conscious of “they” when it’s used as a means of “othering” rather than simply a pronoun reference (e.g., those folks over there = they). Avoid using “they” when it it implies it’s “us” vs. “them,” unless you are also very specific, first, in describing what distinguishes who or what “we” are and who or what “they” are, so we readers can recognize whether we are part of the intended audience, or part of the out-group, when we decide whether to pick up the pitchforks, tar vats, and feathers.

Language, Like Gender, is Fluid

There is nothing wrong with the pronoun “they” when it refers back to a named subject, and it is perfectly, grammatically acceptable to use “they” instead of “him” or “her.”

I tend to cling to the rules of prescriptive grammar, myself, absent logical reasons for language to evolve. I love the fact that, in German, it is perfectly reasonable to string words together to form new ones, if the perfect word does not exist. But I am not a fan of change, simply for the sake of change.

However, in the case of “they,” it is this non-existent “rule” not to use it as a third-person, singular pronoun that was the “change, simply for the sake of change.”

Don’t believe me?

Argue with the 14th century, if you want to defend the sanctity of an unevolving language, to dig your heels in, and to obstinately refuse to use “they” as a singular, third person pronoun.

If you’re angry, let’s talk about that rule that says, “Never end a sentence with a preposition.” Because it’s bunk, too — something we definitely shouldn’t put up with.