Wrenching

Summary

The author describes a deep emotional turmoil caused by their mother's deceptive teachings, which have led to a life of hardship and self-doubt.

Abstract

The article titled "Wrenching" delves into the author's profound inner conflict, metaphorically described as a physical sensation of agitation and violence within the gut. This feeling stems from the revelation of their mother's lies, which have instilled in them a sense of unworthiness and confusion. The mother's teachings were paradoxical, promoting a sense of superiority while simultaneously undermining the author's ability to engage with the practical necessities of life, such as holding a job or ensuring basic comforts. The author reflects on the near-death experiences and struggles they have faced due to these distorted values. Despite the mother's manipulative and grandiose nature, the author recognizes that their inherent spirit, talents, and individuality remain intact, emphasizing the resilience of their true self despite the attempts to diminish it.

Opinions

The author feels betrayed and manipulated by their mother's lies, which have had a detrimental impact on their life.
There is a sense of resentment towards the mother for promoting a sense of entitlement while failing to provide the tools for a stable and fulfilling life.
The author acknowledges the destructive patterns they have internalized, including self-sabotage and an inability to engage in meaningful employment.
Despite the mother's negative influence, the author maintains that their core essence, including their spirit and talents, has survived her manipulations.
The article conveys a message of personal resilience and the enduring nature of individual identity, despite external attempts to distort it.

My Twisted Gut

I have a wrenching feeling in my gut, like a washing machine agitating, or someone smacking a baseball into a mitt, or someone wringing out a piece of wet clothing as hard as they can.

This violence within comes from the realization of my mother’s lies. My mother taught me to turn everything I had going for me against myself. She taught me to twist my mind into so many knots that I couldn’t function, to mistrust myself, and to believe that the things necessary for survival were beneath me. This landed me always in life-threatening circumstances.

Whether it be living without even the basic comforts of life, such as adequate shelter; living in physically grueling situations; getting myself into a condition of near-starvation; living with someone who wanted to destroy me; or failing to earn an adequate income; I always live right next to the jaws of death.

My mother taught me that jobs are very inconvenient. You have to get up in the morning and get ready for them; you have to stay there for a set number of hours; you have to do things that may be of no interest to you; and very often, you have to give up your dignity.

She also taught me that we G’s were above many of the lower elements in life. There were things that we simply did not need to lower ourselves to do, and working at inconvenient jobs was one of them.

As this came from a woman who robbed cheated and lied her way through life, it is no wonder I am too confused to function. As a G., I am too good for everything and worthy of nothing. What I really learned from the convoluted teachings of my mother was that I deserved nothing in life but maybe a little air to breathe, a little space to live in, and enough food to keep me alive. Next to all of my mother’s grandiosity was the unmistakable message that I deserved nothing.

As I wind my way backwards through the labyrinth of lies and false promises and deceptions, I can be comforted by one thing; that no matter what one person does to another, certain things can never be destroyed. My mother, despite her efforts, could never take what she envied in me the most; she did not take away my spirit, the flame of life burning inside of me, or my innate talents. And now, 40 years later, the two fundamental truths remain unchanged; she is herself and I am myself.