Relationships

Worrying About the Wrong Things Ruined My Relationship

and You Can Too

Spoons in the wrong drawer! Dishes in the wrong cupboard! Bed not remade after a nap! (Hey, it was justified anger; I worked hard to make our bed earlier).

Minor annoyances I made everyone’s major problem. Stomping, bitching, slamming.

I had unmet needs. I should have voiced my needs instead of complaining, so someone could have fulfilled them.

The bitching made my family resent me.; My husband would rather watch TV and nap than help.

I inherited my anxiety about small things before my relationships. Or learned. My mother was a detailed perfectionist, about o entails. Her mother was more critical than my mother. And I assume so.

This isn’t a blame my maternal lineage essay. They did the best they could, even though sometimes their best really sucked. They lived through shittier times than I can imagine.

No one is bad. Just unhealed.

The point here is I prioritized these minor worries over my relationships.

So how did I change?

Will This Matter In Ten Years? Test.

When I want to complain or criticize, I consider life a decade from now. Will my words have a positive impact in ten years? Will you even recall this problem in one year?

How do you want them to remember this event in ten years? In the future, will they view our relationship positively or negatively?

Be kind. Be Helpful.

In several classrooms over the years, I’ve read a poster encouraging students to THINK before speaking. (Yes, they allow me to teach, there’s a reason for the pseudonym).

THINK stands for True, Helpful, Kind, Inspiring, Necessary, and Kind.

My mom told me she criticized her husband for putting a spoon in the “wrong drawer”. He replied he’s afraid to help because of her reactions. And my husband, Damon, echoed the same sentiment.

There is no right drawer. Just where I would prefer the spoon or expect to find it.

I cannot watch Damon do dishes. My instinct is to tell him his way is wrong. His way is different. Famous research found over 200 ways to do the dishes. But I’m going to argue my method is right?

Now my mom expressed frustration that she couldn’t find the spoon. Valid issue that I’ve run into.

This is where I’m practicing speaking my needs. Maybe it’s my life where everyone struggles or refuses to speak their needs, but I believe someone else also understands my struggle.

With the spoon, a kind, helpful, and true request sounds like, “Could you please put this spoon in this drawer? I would appreciate your help so I can find it.”

How much nicer is that for Damon to hear? Instead of my bitchy nasal, “you’re wrong for breathing” commentary.

It’s difficult to make quests. Asking leaves me vulnerable to rejection. Which mentally ill brain sees as total abandonment and unlovable status. Asrai is about to die alone in the wilderness.

Do I make emotional jumps in logic? Yes. Do I split and see minor situations as black and white? Also yes.

I’m working on balance and self-compassion. Along with accepting myself via exercises from acceptance and commitment therapy.

If my spouse, child, student, friend, doesn’t know what I need, they cannot meet it. Most people actually want to meet our needs, not to live in conflict.

Any other way of communicating is manipulation. Critics, passive aggressive comments, ultimatums, nagging, threats, punishment and contempt. A short, incomplete list of behaviors designed to get our needs met without direct requests to avoid rejection.

Now since I’m learning, I don’t have a perfect way to make these requests. As a writer, I’m supposed to pass on some personal achievement that brought me success. I’m more of a writer who is learning as I write.

Here is what I know:

Use I statements is the number one rule. Be direct. Speak what you need and feel. Accept their response, even if I perceive rejection.

My choice upon rejection is to accept and live my values, whine and complain, or leave the relationship.

My word for 2024 is values. I aim to live a valuable life and not focus too much on my negative feelings.

If you focus on controlling small things, please consider the impact on your relationships.

If your behavior has created a negative impact, then please focus on the needs under the manipulation and control. Learn to speak them assertively.

Before it ruins your relations like my life.