World Leaders Left Baffled as Groundbreaking International Summit Achieves Absolutely Nothing

GENEVA — World leaders, gathered for a groundbreaking international summit last week, were left dumbfounded after the high-profile event shockingly culminated in achieving absolutely nothing.

The high-stakes meeting, which promised resolutions on pressing global issues, instead devolved into a marathon of fruitless finger-pointing and an impressive display of collective indecisiveness. Attendees were spotted trying their best to look busy, with some digging into their supply of international-standard ballpoint pens and writing vague notes on luxury stationary.

Canadian Prime Minister, Evelyn Dupont, in an ambitious attempt to foster unity, introduced a game of ‘global hot potato,’ which tragically mirrored the passing of responsibility witnessed in the conference’s discussions. “We hoped it would symbolize the collective ownership of world issues,” Dupont later commented, “But it seemed to only reinforce the ‘not my problem’ mentality.”

Australian diplomat, Barry Smithers, was overheard explaining that he had seen more productive discourse in his daughter’s 4th-grade debate on unicorns’ existence. Meanwhile, France’s President, Jean-Paul Arnaud, was spotted taking an extended bathroom break, later admitting he went in for a quick nap: “I’ve had more substantive engagements with my baguette.”

In a moment of desperation, the summit’s coordinators introduced a therapy dog named Biscuit to lighten the mood. But Biscuit soon became overwhelmed and left the hall, further intensifying claims that not even man’s best friend could bear witness to such historic levels of unproductiveness.

“Biscuit was our last hope,” remarked a teary-eyed organizer, Mary Jenkins. “When even he couldn’t withstand the sheer inanity, we knew it was a lost cause.”

While day one ended with high hopes of action-packed round table discussions, the primary achievement of day two was a unanimous decision on the summit’s official lunch menu, settling on chicken Caesar salads after much debate and a brief interlude discussing the origins of the Caesar dressing.

By the end of the five-day summit, the only tangible progress was a tentative agreement on the date for the next meeting. This was hailed as a significant breakthrough by an overly optimistic British delegate who cheered, “At least we know when we’re meeting to achieve nothing again!”

A post-summit survey, circulated among the attendees, recorded that the highest-ranking aspect of the entire event was the complimentary hotel toiletries, with many representatives excitedly discussing their miniature shampoo scores.

Members of the international press, who arrived in droves expecting history-making headlines, instead engaged in solemn debates about the summit’s most pointless moment. The top contenders include a 2-hour argument over the room’s thermostat setting and an impassioned monologue from Brazil’s representative about his recent Netflix binge.

Yet, despite the glaring lack of resolutions, world leaders left patting themselves on the back, with several selfies captioned “#DoingOurBest” trending briefly on Twitter.

In a final press conference, U.S. President Rebecca Gray said, “While we may not have come to any conclusions, we certainly talked about talking about them, and isn’t that what diplomacy is all about?”

The international community waits with bated breath for the next summit, hoping for at least one actionable item, or at the very least, a better lunch option.

In the meantime, Biscuit the therapy dog is reportedly enjoying his newfound fame and has been booked for several celebrity appearances and talk shows, becoming the unexpected hero of what will go down in history as the summit where absolutely nothing happened.