HUMOR | WHERE’S THE MUTE BUTTON
World-Altering Remote Control Available Now
This new device will change your life
Tech-e Magazine, 6 December 2037
Tech-newbie, Clicker, is releasing a remote control with world-altering features. The founder, Impè Rovïse, insists her product has been extensively tested for safety although details are protected by patent law. We were unable to get a comment from any of her minions because they signed NDAs. Perhaps when we get ahold of our own Clicker 1.0, we can rewind and get an early look at research and development.
Pre-orders begin at clicker.com next week. In the meantime, let’s take a look at its features. Share in a comment which features attract you most and how you would use them to change your life. Each reader who leaves a comment will be entered to win a Clicker 1.0 in our giveaway!
Editor’s pick — most valuable feature
The ‘home’ button will transport you home instantly. Zoop! If you’ve read the Harry Potter series, you’ve probably questioned whether you’d rather travel by floo powder, a portkey, or apparating. Wonder no more! The ‘home’ button will relocate you painlessly and immediately with no risk of splinching. You’re guaranteed to land within three feet of your front door.
For a nominal monthly fee — and by nominal we mean a buttload of money — your ‘home’ button can be programmed to leave you in a more precise location, such as your bedroom or bathroom. For those who get stage fright in public restrooms, imagine never having to poop in public! Simply press ‘home’ and drop a load in your own toilet.
To get the most satisfaction from this feature, keep your home address current in the Clicker 1.0. This is important to avoid the embarrassment of landing in your ex-lover’s bedroom. Unless you’re seeking a spontaneous ménage à trois with your ex and their new partner, you’ll want to ensure the GPS coordinates transport you to your own mattress.
More fun features
- Mute is effective on humans and most animals. Use the laser-beam feature to aim, then click. Assuming your aim is precise, the affected organism will become mute for a preselected amount of time.
- Pause has a time limit of 30 minutes. Stop can be effective for up to 24 hours, depending on the radius you’ve selected to be affected. The option to literally ‘stop the world’ will only be available to ultra-premium-platinum-glittergold subscribers.
- Back/Rewind will affect your own experiences in the world for a predetermined amount of time ranging from 3 seconds to 30 days. Top tier subscribers will be able to extend this. Details will be released soon.
- Forward/Skip functions are opposite of Back/Rewind.
As with most new technology, folks with the fattest financial portfolios will gain access to exclusive features, beyond the reach of the masses. Users with paid subscriptions will have the ability to override your actions, essentially rendering your Clicker 1.0 ineffective at their whim. If you aren’t willing to pay a hefty subscription fee you won’t be able to mute the wealthiest windbags— at least until a jaded technology prodigy hacks the system.
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Rachael Ann Sand writes about life’s lessons and experiences including educational, humorous, and personal pieces. Thought provoking, informative, and often entertaining, her writing style is infused with personality. Rachael earned a B.S. in Education, Teaching Licensure, Parenting Coach Certification and Life Coach Certification. Her passion for the next generation extends to all living things. As a cyclist dedicated to a sustainable lifestyle Rachael rides through the world on two wheels.
