Working With Humans Can’t Always Be Harmonious
Strategies for Pivoting or Stopping Unhelpful Conversations
I met with a few folks from my team last week. One of them said something incredulous.
What? Did I hear him right?
The others on the Zoom call, perhaps noticing my not-so-poker face, looked away uncomfortably.
“I do not agree,” I said.
He stares at me, eyes widening. He shifts uncomfortably.
What do I do?
Whatever I say next could affect my team’s collaborative and empowering dynamics.
Introduction:
Maintaining positive relationships in the workplace is crucial for both personal well-being and professional growth. However, there may be times when these relationships become strained, leading to unproductive or uncomfortable conversations. Recognizing when an exchange is not helpful and taking proactive steps to pivot or stop it can be essential for your peace of mind and maintaining a healthy work environment. In this blog post, I will explore strategies I plan to leverage to navigate such situations and provide insights on how I am learning to pivot or disengage from strained conversations at work.
1. Recognize the Signs:
One of the first steps in dealing with strained conversations is to develop self-awareness and recognize the signs indicating that a conversation is unhelpful or potentially damaging. Some common symptoms include escalating tension, personal attacks, repeated interruptions, or a lack of constructive dialogue. Being attuned to these signs will help you take timely action.
I don’t see it immediately; sometimes, I let it go too far. But I’m learning to tune into my discomfort and recognize unease in the other persons in the conversation.
2. Take a Pause:
When you sense that a conversation is heading in an unproductive direction, it can be helpful to pause and take a moment to collect your thoughts. During this pause, focus on breathing. Allow yourself to detach emotionally and regain composure. Taking a step back from the situation can help you approach it with a clearer perspective.
During a recent Weight Watchers meeting, a member became increasingly annoyed with the leader. However, another member bravely suggested, “Since we’re already 10 minutes into the meeting, why don’t we shift our focus to today’s topic?” Despite visibly shaken by the tense situation, the leader seized the opportunity to redirect the discussion. The departure prompted a collective sigh of relief from all of us.
3. Assess the Situation:
After the pause, evaluate the situation objectively. Consider the nature and importance of the conversation, the potential consequences of continuing or stopping it, and your emotional state. Ask yourself whether the discussion is worth pursuing or if it would be better to pivot or disengage.
When it comes to navigating situations in my professional life, one approach I frequently adopt is reaching out to my department leader. Engaging in conversations with him helps me structure my thoughts and provides an opportunity to validate my reasoning or even challenge my existing perspectives. It’s a personal practice that allows me to gain clarity and grow in my decision-making process.
4. Choose Your Battles:
Not every conversation or disagreement needs to be pursued to its fullest extent. Instead, prioritize your battles and focus your energy on meaningful discussions with the potential for positive outcomes. Sometimes, it is best to let go of minor disagreements or acknowledge differing perspectives without further debate.
I love Amy Gallo’s Incivility on the Front Lines of Business article. She says, “… you get to decide what’s best for you in every unique circumstance. And while you may not have control over how that person treats you, you do have control over when and how you respond.” Source.
5. Pivot the Conversation:
If you decide to continue the conversation but recognize that it is unhelpful, consider pivoting it towards more constructive topics. Identify common ground or areas of agreement and steer the conversation more productively. Reframing the conversation can help shift the dynamics and create space for collaborative problem-solving.
A few years ago, I did this in a way that I’m still very proud of. In a team meeting, two team members (names changed to protect their identities), Sarah and Alex, were engaged in a heated discussion about a project’s direction. Sensing the unhelpful nature of the conversation, I stepped in. I recall it went something like this:
Me: “Let’s pivot the discussion towards finding common ground and productive solutions. Our shared goal is project success and client value. Can we brainstorm ideas that combine our perspectives?”
Sarah: “Agreed. Let’s focus on reaching our objectives rather than our ideas.”
Alex: “Sounds good. Let’s find a solution that incorporates the best of both approaches.”
My intervention redirected the conversation, reminded them of our team’s collaborative stance and enabled them to explore other solutions.
6. Set Boundaries:
In situations where the conversation becomes toxic or unproductive despite your efforts, it is crucial to establish and communicate boundaries. Clearly express your discomfort or dissatisfaction with the direction of the discussion and assert your right to engage in respectful and constructive dialogue. Sharing your limits can be a powerful tool in redirecting or stopping unhelpful conversations.
In the most recent interaction, I mentioned at the top of this piece, I told the team member how his words made me feel. Gallo also suggested this approach. She says that you should “Use statements that start with “I,” which explain how you feel and invite the other person to consider your perspective.” (Source)
“I brace myself every time we have to change one thing in the execution plan in response to business shifts because I think you’ll tell me it’ll throw everything off.”
“Is that really how you feel?” He said, his surprise evident in his tone.
7. Seek Mediation or Support:
Suppose strained relationships persist and conversations remain unproductive. In that case, mediation or support from a neutral third party, such as a supervisor, HR representative, or a trusted colleague, may be necessary. These individuals can offer guidance, facilitate productive discussions, or provide advice on resolving conflicts within the workplace.
“What we’re saying is,” my colleague piped up, “is what we see as a minimal change, par for the course, navigating multiple levels of approvals. You see as a major shift.”
During the meeting, when my colleague interjected, her input shed light on the differing perspectives regarding the perceived magnitude of the proposed adjustments, illustrating the need for effective communication and the potential involvement of neutral parties to help bridge the gap.
Conclusion:
Navigating strained relationships and unhelpful conversations at work can be challenging, but with self-awareness and strategic decision-making, you can effectively pivot or disengage from such situations. Remember to recognize the signs, pause, assess the situation, choose your battles wisely, redirect the conversation towards constructive topics, set boundaries, and seek mediation or support when necessary. By actively managing these relationships, you can create a more positive and productive work environment for yourself and your colleagues.
In my journey, I am continually learning to slow down, control my facial expressions, and adapt my responses dynamically. I take responsibility, apologize when I make mistakes, and celebrate when I handle situations effectively.
© 2023 K-Joseph. All rights reserved.
🌺 About me, K. Joseph. For my day job, I develop change strategies using Prosci principles, build solid multi-national teams of change managers, and create the required accompanying management training programs. What’s more, I demonstrate how companies accomplish measurably higher ROI faster when implementing solutions with a well-engaged workforce.
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ℹ️ Disclaimer: All of this post is a product of my original thoughts, work experiences, and professional research. AI writing assistance from Grammarly, ProWritingAid and chatGPT helped with my story’s birthing process.
Other Resources on Medium.com
Tough work conversations revolve around performance or strategy. Prepare by giving notice and finding common ground. Pause if it spirals, ask questions for clarity, and end on a positive note. Positive outcomes are possible with these steps outlined by Heidi Zak:
Matthew Bradburn says that crucial conversations are challenging discussions that require preparation, empathy, and clear communication. Recognize issues early, reframe for positive outcomes, manage emotions, and end with actionable steps. Remember shared responsibility and reflect for future improvement.
And, Abena Talks explores this topic through the lens of Brené Brow’s book Dare to Lead:
