Words Matter — Choose Them Carefully When Talking To Your Children
It is easier than you think to damage your child.
Every word, facial expression, gesture, or action on the part of a parent gives the child some message about self-worth. It is sad that so many parents don’t realize what messages they are sending.
Virginia Satir
It was on a school trip in 2010. My daughter was in junior kindergarten and we were on our way to a local zoo.
As I got on the bus and we settled in, my daughter started grabbing me. She used to love to grab my belly, and since I hadn’t lost my baby weight I had lots to grab. She’d kneed it like dough.
I didn’t mind her doing this, it was a kind of game we played. I wasn’t self-conscious. I usually thought it was funny and I liked the way it made her laugh.
But that day I was cranky. I wanted her to stop but as we all know, that’s easier said than done with a four-year-old.
I was exhausted and since I am not the model of perfection, I snapped when she wouldn’t stop.
I swiped her hand away and said, “Sarah, stop grabbing my fat!”
Instantly, I regretted my choice of words.
At that moment her face changed.
She sucked in air like I’d punched her in the stomach, and the look of pain that crossed her face broke my heart. Her little eyes looked up at me like she was absorbing a new concept.
She looked at me and said, “Mommy, are you fat? Am I fat?”
“Is this fat? I am I fat?” She was grabbing herself all over.
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing, it was as though a veil had lifted from her eyes, and in that one regretful second, I stole what could never be given back.
One offhand comment brought down a whole house of cards, one that I’d worked so hard to build, to shield and protect her, and with one stupid comment, I ruined everything.
I just wanted her to be blissfully unaware for as long as possible.
A woman’s life is never her own. Everyone has an opinion about how we should look, how we should act, what we should do with our bodies, how much we should smile.
We struggle to be 3D in a world that wants us to be cardboard cutouts.
We’re supposed to do it all and be it all while bringing up baby, staying trim and perfectly groomed and we have to do it with smiles on our faces or we’re somehow broken.
When my daughter was born, I realized how early that starts.
They make sexy clothes for toddlers, it’s sickening but true. The bikini’s for little girls are too small, the shorts are too short and tight, there are half-tops for three-year-olds. Little girls are objectified right from the start and I wasn’t having it for my daughter.
I bought clothes that covered her and were comfortable, she ran, jumped, got dirty, and played just as hard as the boys.
We never talked about body image. We never needed to. It was taken as read that your body is a gift to be cherished, developed, loved, and accepted and that’s how we lived — until that moment.
It took me ages to reverse the damage I caused.
Week after week I watched her grab at her stomach and legs trying to process her body image.
I spent months reassuring her that she is just the way she is supposed to be. Every time we had the conversation, my heart broke just a little bit more, and I could have kicked myself for not having the self-restraint to use better words.
I was so terrified to someone else would steal her innocence it never occurred to me that I would be the one to do it.
Eventually, things went back to normal, but I’ve never forgotten that day.
As parents, we make offhand comments and flippant remarks thinking our children don’t notice. We talk about ourselves in front of them. Some parents even judge their children, making snide comments without a thought about the impact those words will have.
But children take in everything.
They watch what we do and hear what we say.
They listen and absorb, but not like a sponge that can be wrung out. Children absorb their environment like flour absorbs water to make a dough. Your words and attitudes become who they are and create who they become.
It’s not easy to monitor yourself when you’re parenting, it’s a stressful job 24–7 with no breaks. But you must try to be mindful about the language you use, language is the power you wield every minute of every day.
What you feed them verbally becomes the fodder for the world they create inside of themselves.
Choose your words wisely and carefully, you are constructing the adult from the experiences you give the child.
“Our life stories are largely constructed and without mindfulness can prove destructive.” ― Rasheed Ogunlaru
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