Women Still Need to Wait for Men to Make the First Move

Relationships work better that way

I know I won’t be popular for writing this. But life is not a popularity contest. It's far more important to me that, as a relationship coach, I help as many people as I can achieve their goals than worry about what faceless others may think of the ideas I espouse. I too often speak to women who are flummoxed by the lack of interest emanating from the man they’re madly in love with when to me the answer is usually so obvious: they’re behaving with a lack of self-worth or boundaries. As Nancy Coller, psychotherapist puts it: “As adults, we have to model this mindset and behavior by assigning worth back to where it belongs…(on) our larger human priorities and values.”

We are modern women; some of us sit in boardrooms, design buildings, save lives and practice brain surgery, as well as doing the ordinary things like earning our own living and paying for our apartments and cars. Hell, some of us own our houses — why should we wait for a guy to make the first move?

Here are five good reasons, from a feminist who’s been with the same guy for 33 years and is coming up to twenty years married this month.

1. Men love the chase

It’s human biology. We are all like this actually. We value the rare over the common; that’s why the Porsche 911 is more coveted than a Renault Clio. When it comes to relationships, this is especially true; men get a real kick out of getting to be with the one woman they thought they might not. It’s just not that interesting or exciting when someone knows they ‘have you’ from the get-go.

Part of the reason is: if you just met him, you don’t really know him, so how can you be so available? Also, people like to spend time with other people who already have a life — not those who are waiting to be filled up like an empty container.

Be honest, if your friend of 20 years called and asked you to go to wherever with her, you would need to look in your diary, check your calendar and work out whether you have the time. So why say ‘yes’ to some guy who you met five minutes ago who hasn’t even asked you anything more specific than “let’s go out sometime”?

While it’s ok to show non-verbal interest (proceptivity, Beach, 1976), so a guy has a pretty good idea you’ll say yes if he asks you out, it’s best to avoid the more ‘risky initiative’ (Farrell, 1986) of asking a man out.

And you thought it’s okay for you to ask him out, because, well, he could be shy…

Uh-huh. And gazelles could start chasing lions too.

2. It takes time to make time for new people in your life

No doubt you have a schedule or diary that you use to run your life. Even if you’re looking for a romantic interest you still have friends to hang out with, elderly family to visit, and other responsibilities and duties such as work, study, and hobbies that take up your time. So it’s not surprising that when you meet someone new you have to find ways to fit them in.

What does it say about someone if they ask you to meet them for a date tomorrow? I would naturally think that they either didn’t have plans or their plans had fallen through. Either way, it’s a little rude of them to expect you to be free at the drop of a mask.

It’s always better if someone gives you some notice because you’re more likely to be available and have time to prepare for the date.

Being asked in advance also tells you that someone’s been thinking about you, planning something nice (hopefully), and wants to share it with you.

When you ask a guy out, you’re telling him, firstly, you’re interested in him and secondly, that you’re willing to make time for him in your life.

You may think something good will come out of putting out that message but believe me, it rarely does. He may well go out with you but then what? Will you always have to be the one to ask? Will you be upset if he doesn’t ask the next time? You can see all the questions that start to unfold — questions you need not have if you allow him to be the one to ask.

Relationships are hard enough even when you’re sure a guy is interested in you. As clinical social worker Linda Bloom says: “It’s not a have to, it’s a ‘get to’. You get to make this choice because you’re already awake enough to know you have this choice to make.”

3. Even when he’s upset he never forgets what you mean to him.

My DH was having a bit of a hard time one Sunday morning; he had something he needed to finish and he was annoyed that he had to work on his day off. I had popped my head into his home office to ask a random question and he got a bit gruff with me.

“Instead of asking me silly questions why don’t you offer me a cup of tea?”

“Sure,” I responded, “I can get you a cup of tea.” And I did.

Half an hour later, I was in our bedroom on the phone to a friend when he appeared in the doorway: “Sorry for raising my voice earlier. I was feeling stressed over this thing I had to finish, it’s done now.

I accepted his apology with good grace because I knew his annoyance hadn’t really been directed at me. When you are rooted in your own self-acceptance and self-worth, you are not easily fazed by other’s annoyances.

Also, when a man has chased you and won your heart, he never forgets you’re his chosen one, even when the going gets tough. (The Investment Model, Rusbult, et al, 2001)

4. They always want to be with you

Unlike the edginess caused by chasing a man and always having to wonder if he’s really into you or if he just went out with you because you asked — or because he had nothing better to do — when a man asks you out, you know he wants to be with you.

If anyone is doing the wondering, it’s him. But you don’t need to worry about that because see 1. above.

Sometimes, as I leave the house my husband grabs my hand, a little possessively: “Where are you going and when will you be back?

I tell him and we share a kiss and a hug before he releases me and I escape through to the door.

It never gets old, this being desired thing.

Maybe some guys really are shy. But when a man really, really wants you, he lets you know.

5. A ‘shy guy’ will probably be shy in all kinds of ways.

I really wish I could get paid for every time a woman’s said: maybe he’s shy. Well maybe he is, so why would you want him in your life?

If a man is too shy to walk across the room and ask out a woman that he likes the look of, then he’s probably going to be too shy to ask her out a second time (or a third;) ask her important things (like what she likes in bed) or ask that extra special question: will you marry me?

Unless you’re a therapist specialising in helping people with shyness I strongly recommend not asking a guy out because you think he’s shy! It’s also worth remembering that another use of the word shy is too shy away from. Namely, to avoid.

Uh- huh. And gazelles could start chasing lions too.

Last thoughts

You wouldn’t apply for a job or rent an apartment without doing some serious research. yet too many women are happy to date whoever comes into our line of sight, seemingly without any boundaries whatsoever.

I’ll never forget the video we were shown during our relationship coaching course, of a woman whose date telephoned and asked her to wait outside her front door as he was “on his way.”

Cut to a beautiful, nicely dressed woman sitting on a dirty doorstep for 15 minutes before the guy finally shows up.

The bare minimum you should expect from someone with whom you’ve agreed to spend time with is simple respect; someone who can’t even be bothered to get out of his car to knock on your door is unlikely to meet your minimum levels of caregiving.

If someone asks you to do something that makes you feel even slightly icky please say ‘no thank you.’ Yes, I know that many of us were raised to be ‘nice’ and ‘polite’. But we need to understand the difference between being nice and being a doormat.

Never be afraid you won’t find someone else to date — there are over seven billion of us on the planet.

And finally, if you are looking for someone to date, it’s never been easier, despite the challenge the pandemic has created. Set up a great online profile with a dating app that has good reviews, and don’t ever right swipe; just sit back and wait to be approached.

Think this advice too passive? There is nothing passive about the level of self-care it takes to keep you looking and feeling your best. Save the time and energy it takes to chase that elusive guy for the one person whose every thought and action you can always control — yourself.

Further reading

The Rules by Ellen Fein & Sherrie Schneider

He’s Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt & Liz Tuccillo

Movies

He’s Just Not That Into You (Dir: Ken Kwapis, 2009)

Anger Management (Dir: Peter Segal, 2003)

©️marla bishop 2020