Women Finally Got The Right To Say Yes To Sex, But Still Struggle To Say No
Sex positivity goes both ways: the right to say yes, and no. We’re only half done.
In the past, I’ve written about how the sexual revolution was important. I wrote about how it allowed women the right to be sexual without stigma. It was the movement that was all about opening up the discourse about kinks, threesomes, ethical non-monogamy, and more.
Honestly, as a product of abuse that happened due to sex stigmatization, I can say that we owe a huge debt to sex positivity. I no longer have to worry (as much) about sexual stigma. Oh, and I now have a word for the genderless vibe I embody. It’s amazing.
However, a lot of women are starting to notice something. Sex positivity is great, but the benefits that it offers are curbed by the newfound expectations of cheap, casual sex at every turn. What’s going on?
Sex positivity turned into exploitation.
Has anyone else noticed how often people treat you like you’re broken or a waste of air if you don’t want to have sex? Or how often “sex positivity” seems to be an excuse to bully women into sex acts they’re not interested in?
It’s not just you. A lot of predators caught onto the sex positivity movement and appropriated it to…well, do what they always do: control women and take advantage of them.
It almost feels like the script has flipped.
We went from a society where even dancing dirty would stigmatize you to one where prude-shaming is commonplace. We also went into a world where men demand and expect sex that looks like it’s from a porn flick. Moreover, porn has gotten increasingly extreme.
Unfortunately, even I as a porn journalist can tell you that this is unhealthy. Women don’t always enjoy this, and what’s even worse is that many people who claim they’re well-trained in BDSM don’t have training. Quite the opposite: they use it as an excuse to abuse women and ignore safe words.
This has caused a backlash that no one saw coming. According to statistics, women are increasingly leery of both dating and having sex with men. In fact, it’s gotten to the point where there seems to be a “sex recession” on the horizon.
That’s right. Despite all the encouragement for wild kinky sex, we’re having less sex than ever before.
This is not what sex positivity should be about, and that’s because work is half done.
Sex is a beautiful part of the human experience. It’s one that should not be shamed. It’s one that should empower both parties. It’s healthy for us, physically and mentally, to have positive, connective sex. So, yeah, sex positivity was needed in our society.
The problem is, what we have now isn’t entirely sex positive. Rather, we just earned the right to say yes to sex. The word “no” on the other hand? Yeah, that still tends to bring serious consequences with men.
Saying no is dangerous, even today.
If you ask almost any woman today, they’ll tell you about horror stories that happen when they say no to men. These handfuls are the horror stories that I’ve seen on a daily.
- Some men will block them after they don’t have sex on command.
- Others berate them in conversation and blow up their phones, only to say, “Women’s standards are too high! You’re fucking Chad!”
- Men often shame women or badger them till they give in. (Hint: This is not consent, it’s wearing down a victim and raping them.)
- Men sometimes turn others against them as revenge.
- At the very worst, women may end up getting beaten, tormented, and raped by men they turn down.
This behavior led to a major blowback among all genders.
Unsurprisingly, a lot of women have started to feel cheated by the new wave of sex positivity. They have, unsurprisingly, gotten tired of the status quo of cheap sex, feeling undervalued, and being blamed for “not choosing the right guys.”
Women often blame the porn industry, and to a point, I’ll concede that they are right. There are a lot of toxic porn brands that seem to normalize a certain level of abuse. I’m not about that life, nor are a lot of my friends in that industry.
Many sex acts that would have been considered deviant before are now expected. And you know what? It’s not fair that we’re pushing porn standards on normal people’s bedrooms!
Men, on the other hand, seem to be totally assured that women are boning everyone around them except for them. A common thing about the top 20 percent of men “sweeping” women is a regular complaint. So, in a weird way, it’s made men more bitter too.
Believe it or not, I’m all for the blowback that’s happening.
Let me explain something. I love porn because of how strict actors have to be on consent and protection. I love it because it helps my friends pay bills and acts as a community that discusses safe sex in a world where safety seems to be everyone’s last interest.
However, I’m all for the blowback that’s happening.
What our society has done is half-cocked. A society that encourages yes but retaliates against no is not a healthy or safe society for anyone. What we’ve effectively done is normalize manipulation and abuse in relationships, disguising it as positive.
Women have the right to say no. And they have the right to out, confront, and report men who don’t respect the word “no.” No is a full sentence. No is empowering, just as much as yes can be. And you know what? We have to reclaim our right to say no.
We have the right to have partners that don’t see porn as reality. We have the right to have partners who listen to safe words, or better still, actively listen to what we want in bed. We have a right not to be harassed and browbeat into sex just to “get it over with.”
And until we all collectively respect that, we should continue to see people drop off the dating/sex/relationship bandwagon. It’s actually the only way to make things better. After all, if you can’t respect consent, you really don’t deserve a partner in any manner of the word.
