Women Can’t Wear Long Hair After 40 and Other Lies My Mom Told Me

Find freedom by examining your beliefs and opinions

All my life my mom wore her hair short. She was in her late 30s by the time I was born so her adage that women shouldn’t wear long hair after 40 was already reflected in her choice of hairstyle.

I wore my hair long until after my children were born, at which time I chopped it all off and opted for the easy-to-care-for short styles. They say when a woman wants to change her life, she changes her hair. I suppose that was partly true and partly because I was always seeking simplicity.

When the pandemic hit and Covid 19 forced me to stay inside and away from face-to-face contact, I decided that a trip to the hair salon was not worth catching Covid, so I let my hair grow.

But my mother’s voice inside my head (she passed on long before the pandemic) kept telling me I should not let my hair grow past my shoulders because women do not look good in long hair after 40.

I don’t know why she chose the arbitrary age of 40, but this was something she was adamant about and espoused often, criticizing women who looked “haggard” with long gray hair.

After two full years of pandemic long hair, I was more than ready for a change and reverted back to my short, sassy look. I love it, and though I proved my mother wrong about not wearing long hair after 40, I doubt I will ever go back. I have decided that I look and feel great with short hair and it makes my life simpler — simplicity always wins in my book!

The unexamined life is not worth living. — Socrates

After my recent foray into long hair after 40, I wondered what other opinions I inherited from my mother that became part of my DNA or outlook on life.

All men cheat

Infinitely more important than the advice about long hair, I am thankful and relieved this one is not true. But because of my mother’s pain and my parents’ bad marriage, it was hard for me to trust that I would find a faithful man. I am grateful and blessed to have found one despite my mother’s prophecy.

My mom’s sister, my Aunt Mary, had a funny saying that I chuckle at often:

Men are all the same, they just have different faces and names, so you can tell them apart.

I only half-laugh at this saying because so many times men (and women) think they’re different, special, unique — especially during their midlife crisis — but they aren’t. Human nature tends to follow basic patterns of behavior.

I have taken Aunt Mary’s core belief about men a step further, and I say they all read from the same book. When a man lies, blames his woman for his bad behavior, or does some foolish thing that he regrets, I say, “Chapter 10, page 29.” It’s become a little joke between me and my husband.

But the pain of betrayal is no joke. My dad caused my mother much pain, and as the youngest child, I witnessed much of it firsthand. I still wince over the anguish I would see on her face when he didn’t come home at night or stayed away all weekend. As I watched her chew her fingers until they bled, I grew scales of resentment in my heart toward my father. And that tainted my outlook on men.

Fortunately, early in my marriage, a pastor told me that if I continued to believe my husband would commit adultery that it would become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Amidst a plethora of bad advice and spiritual abuse, this man offered me one shining bit of wisdom that probably saved my marriage!

People who are well-off financially are just lucky

A phrase I often heard my mother speak when hearing about someone’s new home, vacation, or car was, “It must be nice.”

My mom lived in the “it must be nice” space with a scarcity mindset. In addition to my father’s infidelity, his compulsive gambling created a sense of insecurity in our family. A product of the Great Depression, my mother worried about money all the time. No matter how safe and comfortable our life was (we lived in a new development in middle-class suburbia), she was not able to relax about money.

There were fights about money and common sentiments like “we can’t afford that.” The “it must be nice” comment came with a side of jealousy and resentment.

My mother always felt she was a victim or captive to her circumstances, that life happened to her, not because of her choices, efforts, or beliefs. I was raised with the sense that there were the haves and the have-nots and you couldn’t raise your circumstances in life. Just be happy to get a decent, grinding job and do it until you can retire and hope the government will take care of you then.

Fortunately, my high school Spanish teacher intervened and planted a seed that I could determine the direction I wanted my life to go and that I could attain a level of employment that would help me achieve the goals I dreamed about. Señora Bravés was astounded when I told her I would not be applying for college. Appalled, she said, “You’re much too smart not to go to college.” And so I did.

The unexamined life holds lies and beliefs that may not be serving you

As Socrates is reported to have said, “the unexamined life is not worth living.” Failing to examine our beliefs, especially those passed down to us from our families, might cause us to miss out on a great hairstyle or cause us significantly more pain and damage like a wrecked marriage or career opportunity.

Examining our lives from all angles helps free us from silly adages, familial dysfunction, and a mindset that can limit our joy and potential.

So, grow your hair if you want, trust in others, and shoot for those big goals and dreams because life’s too short to live in the shadow of someone else’s limited mindset.

Thank you for reading. The process of letting go of what no longer serves me began when I decided to seek simplicity as a way of life. Letting go is essential to living a simple life. I hope you’ll join me in this freeing pursuit! You can get started by joining my Facebook group.

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