Women Are Not Prudes If They Don’t Enjoy Anal Sex

And how we talk about trying it matters.

Women are often groomed to be overly compliant from a very young age. I don’t think it’s any big, well-kept secret, or even particularly intentional. But it’s more or less the way things have worked out, so most of us accept it without giving the notion too much further thought.

The pressure for women to bend over backward and comply is especially thick among religious circles, and as a former evangelical, I for one have struggled to grasp an appropriate use of the word no.

The expectation to give too much is a gendered one. That’s why women feel significantly greater pressure to perform as moms, while dads are praised for simply showing up. Women give too much when they take on the emotional labor in their households and the workplace--all to let more men coast along without worrying about the "unnecessary" details of life like shopping for staples or cleaning their surroundings.

This pressure shows up for women in the bedroom too. In far too many heterosexual relationships, men expect women to comply in order to fulfill their particular fantasies associated with the ideal sexual relationship. We see those expectations thrust upon women in a variety of ways.

The gendered orgasm gap

Women are having fewer orgasms than men in heterosexual encounters, and no, it’s not because they’re having a more quality climax. It’s not uncommon for young girls to face pressure to “get guys off” by giving them hand jobs or blow jobs, and that pressure follows women into adulthood and beyond.

On your period? You can still pleasure your male partner--and you’ve no doubt known that pressure since period sex isn’t exactly popular. It’s pretty highly stigmatized. Even the most “vanilla” sex is but a recipe for male ejaculation without any concern for the female orgasm.

Demands on appearance

Women face significantly greater expectations about their appearance than men once the clothes come off. It isn’t enough to be clean, not to mention conventionally attractive when you’re also a woman. A full bush is decidedly out of style, so women please their men by shelling out cash for a regular Brazilian wax. No problem if that's what you want to do, but it's an added pressure men don't face.

“Dad bods” are now a thing, but who’s ever heralded the praises of a mom bod? Women are accused of letting themselves go when they don’t quickly bounce back to their pre-pregnancy weights. Medical professionals routinely issue the superfluous "husband stitch" after delivery for a supposedly tighter vagina.

And let’s not forget that we all too often can’t even use the right words to talk about female anatomy. Women are having plastic surgery to "improve" the appearance of their labia, but men and women alike call everything down under the same damn thing.

The responsibility of birth control

There’s more pressure for women to make sure they don’t become pregnant. Men aren’t lining up to test out male birth control options--they drop out of studies for experiencing the same kind of symptoms as women on the pill.

At best, men are expected to carry condoms. But even then, women have to be on guard with a backup method and we also have to watch out for stealthing.

If we do happen to become pregnant, it's women who bear the responsibility in ways men never will--but not just physically. Women get accused of getting pregnant on purpose. In terms of having a baby, our careers and social lives most frequently wind up on hold as well.

And now, anal sex

Let me say one thing first: there’s absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying anal sex. It doesn’t matter if you are a man or a woman or anyone in between. Like what you like without shame.

The problem I have when it comes to anal sex, is that women are being pressured by men and even the media to have it and enjoy it. And if we don’t? Then we’re clearly unadventurous prudes.

My experience with anal sex has left a lot to be desired. I dated a man in his early forties who was ultimately very selfish in the bedroom. He never did anything to contribute to the likelihood that I would climax. But he was very vocal that anal sex was his favorite flavor of sex, chiefly referring to the tightness and reduced risk of pregnancy.

Far be it from me to say no to trying something new. And I don't mean that bitterly--I do believe in making a solid effort. So I not only complied and tried it once, but I gave it a go at least a dozen times. Of course, the key word is tried. I tried, but it hurt, and in the end I hated it. No matter how much I tried to relax. Tried to like it.

At the time, I researched the matter to figure out what I could do to be a better partner and make the experience more enjoyable. Unfortunately, I saw two big problems. For one thing, any “tips” for women to better enjoy anal sex suggested that they climax before even going there. Which assumes you've got a partner equally willing to try.

For another thing, I found an overwhelming number of articles about anal sex among heterosexual couples were simply shaming women into submission. Try it, you’ll like it seems innocuous enough, but most of the stories played up the idea that women who have anal sex are more fun, sexy, and confident. No one was saying the same about the men. Nobody talked about what to do if you had a more self-centered partner who wanted you to comply in every way so they could achieve orgasm but ignore your needs.

That one boyfriend kept telling me that women who have anal sex orgasm more than women who don’t enjoy rear play. But of course, he glossed over the fact that the research indicated it was because those women were also more likely to have oral sex--and male partners who happened to give more in the bedroom.

Is every man a sexist monster who only cares about whether or not he gets off? Of course not. We still need to acknowledge that too many women are groomed to say yes--often to their own detriment. That's a sexist part of our society that's uncomfortable to talk about. But we won't get anywhere by ignoring it.

More reason to talk about it

Growing up in an evangelical bubble meant consent wasn’t even on my radar until 2013. Ultimately, the lessons I learned about sex set me back and did very little to prepare me for the actual world and real-life relationships.

Premarital sex was much too shameful to even allow for honest conversations about birth control. So of course, nobody warned me what to watch out for in sexual relationships because the only clear rules were to wait until marriage and never deny my future husband sex.

My formative years contained so little useful guidance about sex that it’s really no wonder I grew up feeling so pressured by men.

And I wasn’t alone.

But the only way I’ve found that out is to talk about taboo things like orgasms and anal sex and inherent cultural sexism.

You’re not a prude if you don’t like having anal sex

Whenever I read an article telling women about the wonders of anal sex, I cringe because I wish the writer would do a lot more than discuss mindblowing orgasms and overcoming stigmas or cleanliness fears. I want the writers to make it known that there’s nothing wrong with you if you try it and ultimately don’t like it.

When I read about the benefits of anal sex for women, I also want those stories to warn women about the men who will go in too hard without concern for their well-being. Tell impressionable girls that it's not something they have to try. And it's not something they have to do because they aren't ready for p in v intercourse. I want to see a conversation about the ways anal sex can easily become just one more expectation to ensure that a man enjoys his threefold orgasms while the same women are lucky to have even one.

Instead of convincing women that they need to try anal sex to impress a man, I want to read stories that urge women to stand up for themselves and try new things if that's what they want. Women need to know that their pleasure and comfort matters just as much as a man's. Sex should not be just one more arena where women are expected to bend over to meet the whims of the men in her life.

Give and take should overflow into the bedroom

Every type of healthy relationship involves some amount of “give and take.” People occasionally get irritated that I talk about sex and relationships together, but it doesn’t matter if we’re talking about committed longterm relationships, casual short-term connections or anything else in between.

There has to be some give and take, but all too often women worry about being bitches. Or too much trouble. Guys don’t like drama, right? And often enough, women who want to please a man are sadly already groomed to comply.