Mansplaining for Women

Wombsplaining: Please Tell Me Again Why I Won’t Be Complete Until I Have Kids

Good thing you said something, I’d hate to have missed out on the complete version of me.

How’s your vagina doing? Mine’s fine. It’s not stretched or ripped or broken. Oh, you don’t want to talk about that? Could have fooled me, I’ve only heard your birthing saga about a thousand times. Mention the word episiotomy one more time and I will literally barf.

My dogs are great, thanks for asking. Oh, you didn’t ask? That’s interesting, seeing as how we’ve been talking about your babies for the past hour. How old are they again?

37 minutes later…

Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be having kids. I mean, I don’t have any right now. I really like my life. I get to take naps and stuff. Besides, I’m 36 so if I wanted kids I’d need to yank my IUD, like, yesterday.

Pictures? Sure. Why the hell not. I’d love to see (more) pictures of your kids. Would you like to see…

No, the pictures of your children have not stimulated my ovaries. I feel like I’m being converted over here. Ha.

What about my life? Well, it’s pretty good. Oh, you mean, what about my life? You don’t mean…

…You do. You mean what am I going to do with myself once I’ve missed my opportunity to have kids? Probably the same things I’m doing now: writing, traveling, loving my dogs, stoking my relationships with the flames of my life energy that hasn’t been zapped by…

…Christmas? What about Christmas? Oh, I suppose it could be lonely, like, when I’m old and alone with no family because I have no kids. Yikes, that is dark.

…They could take care of me, yeah. When I’m old. Who will take care of me when I’m old? Shit, I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about…

…You have a point. I have this uterus and it’s, like, made for that. I feel like it’s doing some pretty good stuff for me right now, like not getting pregnant. But if someone offered I wouldn’t be like, “YES, take it away! I don’t need this vestigial sack!”

…What’s that you say? Your life didn’t begin until you had kids? You mean, like, you and your kids were born on the same day?

Oh, of course not. Ha. That would be weird.

A love like no other? That sounds kind of sad. Do you mean you’ve never been loved or never given love or…

…Wow, you’re pretty keen on your life with kids. I’m happy for you. It sounds like that was a good decision for you. How’s (insert partner’s name here)?

…You don’t see them? Oh right, the kids. That must be hard.

…I’d imagine you are tired. There’s a lot of running around as a mom. I’m not sure if that lifestyle would be right for…

Absolutely — momming is a full-time job.

…You don’t even have time to eat!? Or pee.…or work out……or sleep………

I know, I know. It’s worth it! You’ve said.

You must be doing something to recharge. That’s so important! Got any trips planned?

…Well, maybe someday soon! You used to love to do that kind of thing.

Ha! When they’re 18. Good joke. *mumbling* More like 27.

…Oh, nothing. I choked on a bug. Just curious, how old will you be when your kids are all 18?

…Sure, I’d love to come to their birthday party. Hey! That’s the same day as…

Oh, you’ve got to go. I know, the kids.

Yes, yes. I’ll think about having some of my own.

I’m Brett Jenae Tomlin, The Anxious Enthusiast.

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