Life Lesson

How My Mother's Death Set Me Free

With death comes freedom for the living as well as the dead

For most people, I imagine, the death of a loved one is a painfully poignant time of loss and sadness. It is also a time that brings together families in a unifying act of mourning for the dearly departed. It is sad to reflect that in my case only one of these characteristics, the sense of loss and sadness, was present when my beloved mother passed away in 2012.

My mother had eight children, four sons and four daughters, all of whom were still alive at the time of her passing at the age of eighty four. During my mother's lifetime we had all drifted apart geographically as well as personally. I cannot think of a single time when as adults we all came together. The separation was not just down to the geographic dispersal, but also due to the fact that we never really got on as a large group. The reasons for this harked back many years to our childhood and early youth. As children the most senior of us sexually abused at least three of her siblings and one or two others were nothing less than selfish bullies who wasted no opportunity to lash out and thump anybody who got in their way.

We were the epitome of the dysfunctional nuclear family. However, as adults we did come together in smaller groups, though even then, there was always a great deal of tension in the air. Part of the problem was down to nothing more than petty jealousy and envy about who had what. In my case it ran a bit deeper than that.

I was the runt of the litter, thin and undernourished due to being a picky eater and an intensely shy child who was physically overwhelmed by my bigger and stronger brothers and sisters, most especially at mealtimes. My mother's response was to try to protect me to the point of over-protection, which simply made matters worse. My mother was accused of making me her favourite which resulted in me being called mummy's pet. And for this I was intensely resented long into my adult life when it just got worse.

The biggest problem for me as an adult was that I was the first to get on in life. I was the first to go to university and get a degree and the first to buy his own house in a very nice part of the country. My mother spoke well of my achievements and that just made the sibling resentment grow even stronger. It made me feel the most despised member of the whole family, but I learned to live with it and tried not to make matters worse by speaking of any good news with my mother whilst my brothers and sisters were around.

Over the latter years of her life my mother often used to say how nice it would be if we could all just come together and get on like one big happy family. Sadly too many of my siblings were full of resentment over unresolved issues, to make that possible. More than that, something else came to light towards the end of my mother's life that would make any sort of family reunion an impossibility.

Unbeknownst to me and the only brother I still have contact with was the fact that our siblings were financially taking our mother for a ride. Not only that but they were also mistreating her on a personal level. They made horrible jokes at her expense and thought nothing of insulting her as she became increasingly less able to deal with those problems due to her age and debilitating chronic illnesses. And fearing retribution when I wasn't around, my mother said nothing to me in case I tried to intervene on her behalf. In the end my mother lost all heart in living any longer and gently yielded to the call of the angels on the other side.

When the call came telling me that my mother had passed I was far away in the south of Spain. I had in fact already booked a flight to go and see her as I knew she was losing her battle with her health. Very sadly she passed away a day before I was due to land in the UK to see her. I was totally devastated to have lost the opportunity to tell her one last time how much I loved her and to give her a gentle kiss on her cheeks. I felt it was the end of my world and just broke down in floods of inconsolable tears.

Upon arriving at my mother's house in the UK it immediately became apparent that my mother's long wished for family reunion was even further away from ever coming to pass. The four worst of my siblings never came anywhere near the house, except for two sisters who went to dish out a good face beating out to me out of nothing more than petty jealousy.

I am pretty certain that deep down my mother knew that that much wanted family reunion was never going to happen because in her own way she ensured it never would.

In her last will and testament my mother cut out of her will the four who had robbed her of tens of thousands of pounds and instead gave all she had to those who had never asked her for a penny. Unbelievably, the fearsome four actually thought that they would be left an equal share despite all of their appalling behaviour towards her. They were not amused to discover what my mother had done to them from beyond the grave where she was safe and sound from their vengeful nastiness.

These days I look back at my mothers passing as a blessing. For not only did her suffering come to an end, but at long last I could cut all contact with people who I would much rather spit in the eye than breathe the slightest gasp of air scented with my mother's favourite earl grey tea. It was not for the mistreatment visited upon me by my siblings that I felt resentful, but for the atrocious abuse of the most loving mother you could ever wish for in her later years. It was a time when she deserved love and affection, understanding and support, not self centred nastiness and neglect.

All those years my mother was alive I did maintain some semblance of contact with those awful people to appease my mother. Finally I was free and felt a great sense of release and relief at being able to live my life un-obliged to keep up any pretence of civility towards uncivil people. They were and still are people whose idea of what it means to be a loving family is as alien to me as moon candy.

As for my mother, in her death she finally set me free to live my life unmolested anymore by an obligation I was hardly able to comply with in her lifetime and feel no duty to do so in mine. Both my mother and I are at last as free as a white dove in paradise