Will Smith is an Abused Husband

Male mental health, masculinity, and the smack heard ‘round the world

It was supposed to be a joyous occasion. Lost in the conversation of the 94th annual Oscars awards ceremony was the historic inclusion of an all black production team, led by producer Will Packer. Instead, the moment was marred by a (frankly) bad joke, and an even worse response. In one fell swoop, actor Will Smith negated any good will the team may have afforded itself when he unilaterally decided to get on stage and respond to an off color joke about his wife with a bone crushing smack on comedian Chris Rock.

Thin skin or enough is enough?

The easiest thing in the world to do is judge someone without walking in their shoes. I’ve (mostly) reserved judgement after the story broke the other day, but after the incident began to dominate the news cycle and the Twitterverse a few things became very apparent:

1. Opinions on Smith’s action split largely along racial and gender lines;
2. It is very possible to be the hero in the eyes of some and a donkey in the sight of others, and;
3. If left unaddressed, psychological trauma will manifest itself, likely in a very public and dramatic manner.

Watching post Oscar interviews along with celebrity reactions, I noticed a trend that coincides with comments I’ve read on Twitter and conversations I’ve had with friends and family. The majority of black women that I have talked to or have read online largely support Will. The recurring theme seems to be “he did what he was supposed to do” in protecting his wife. The few white women I have seen chime in have mostly found his actions revulsive, even demeaning to women (“Jada is capable of standing up for herself”). What I found really fascinating is the responses I’ve seen from men.

The comments I’ve read from Caucasian men have not been supportive of Will at all. The overarching theme I’ve seen from the few comments I’ve read was basically denouncing his decision to turn something benign to a physical confrontation. Perhaps most interesting has been the reaction from black men. While a Facebook group I am in of black husbands had a few guys taking up for Will, but the vast majority there, as well as men in my own inner circle, have clowned him for being “soft” and “over-emotional”.

Everyone is right, and everyone is wrong.

At the end of the day, while we’d like to think that there are hard and fast rules that we could all agree on, the fact of the matter is how we perceive incidents in the public space is influenced by a wide array of factors. Things like age, socio-economic background, and our own personal temperament are just a few of these factors. Interestingly, my anecdotal evidence on the reaction of the incident aligned with data from recent polling.

Looking at polling from Blue Rose Research (above), what stands out to me is not the economic or racial breakdown of the responses but the level of education. While more than half of all Americans polled blamed Chris Rock for the incident, college educated respondents placed more of the blame on Smith. What this suggests to me is that people that have disciplined themselves to finish four or more years of post secondary education place a higher premium on self control and self restraint. While I find this quite fascinating, I am still convinced the vast majority of people are unable to see the forest for the trees.

Know when to fold ‘em

The thing I think people don’t realize or see is something that is rather obvious to me. For a good portion of their 28 year relationship (the couple met in 2004 when Jada auditioned for the role of Will’s girlfriend on the Fresh Prince of Bel- Air), they had been held up as the model marriage. From the outside looking in they appeared to have it all: money, fame, and a beautiful family life. Of course, all that glitters is not gold.

For all their wealth and prestige, Will and Jada have proven to be very much human; their squeaky clean image belied fault lines in their relationship that would manifest themselves as the years wore on. While there is no way I, or anyone else for that matter, can say anything about their relationship with any degree of certainty, I do feel Will shows the signs of a man who has been emotionally abused.

According to the ManKind initiative, there are certain behaviors men who are the victims of emotional abuse display. Three in particular stand out to me as being relevant in this situation: being over anxious to please their partner, go along with everything their partner says, and being belittled or humiliated. I can imagine it’s a tough sell for some people to wrap their minds around, but Will’s pattern of behavior over the last several years points to something being a bit…off. Despite his fame, fortune, and status as one of the most sought after actors in all of Hollywood, he’s endured a lot psychologically over the years.

It’s tough for anyone to live under a microscope, but to do it under the scrutiny that Smith has had to endure going back to his early years as a young rapper out of Philadelphia is something else entirely. Smith released his first album, Rock the House, 35 years to the day of this writing, back on April 7th, of 1987. Performing under the name The Fresh Prince, he found a nice niche as something of a “safe” rapper at a time when hyper aggressive groups like NWA were at one end of the spectrum while the other end was occupied by socially conscious groups in the mold of Public Enemy.

Despite taking his fair share of criticism from within the genre as a gimmick rapper, he established himself as a stand out performer, gaining notoriety for such kid friendly tracks as “Parents Just Don’t Understand”, and “Girls Ain’t Nothing but Trouble”. His fortunes would take a dramatic turn in the fall of 1990 when the pilot for his show “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” was picked up by NBC. The show was a runaway hit that catapulted Will into roles in dozens of movies in the 90’s and early 2000’s.

Fast forward to 2022 and Smith is now up for an Oscar for Best Actor for his portrayal of Richard Williams, father of tennis stars Venus and Serena Williams. He’s sitting relaxed in the audience as Chris Rock casually makes a reference to Jada resembling Demi Moore in GI Jane (a nod to her shaven head), and the camera cuts to Will as he makes what could be considered a forced laugh before looking over to his wife.

If ever there was a moment to freeze frame, this would be it.

As I first watched the footage, I could see him look over at his wife and as a husband, I found myself empathizing as you could see she was visibly perturbed. You can feel when your spouse is uncomfortable and often times as husbands our first impulse is to do whatever’s necessary to bring relief to our wife. His smile dissolved almost instantly upon seeing her and within moments he was on the stage making his way to Rock. What happened next has been the source of contentious debate for the past week and a half.

What is certain, however, is the man that walked across that stage was not the carefree kid yucking it up on the “Parents Just Don’t Understand” video shoot. Nor was it the silly young man antagonizing his Uncle Phil on the set of “The Fresh Prince”. It was the man who was humiliated on his wife’s show with tales of her “entanglement” with their son’s friend. The father who had to withstand criticism surrounding his son’s sexuality. It was the man who grew up witnessing his mother be abused at the hands of his father.

What Will had was a human moment.

While I listen to other men ridicule him as being “soft” or a “simp”, I truly have empathy, if not sympathy for Smith. The more I peeled back the layers and analyzed what was already in the public space about their relationship, it’s become more and more clear that he’s subjected himself to some degree of abuse.

From the 3 years he spent planning Jada’s 40th birthday party only to have her lash out at him for being egotistical to the note that surfaced written by a young Willow asking Tupac to come back so her mother could be happy, he’s dealing with acute psychological trauma. One of the hallmarks of abuse is a constant need for validation, particularly from the party that administers the abuse.

Let me be clear at this point: the point is not to demonize Jada or to canonize Will. I do hope he gets the help he needs though, or rather, they get the help they need, whatever that entails. What I wish more than anything else, however, is to move this discussion from one of judgement to compassion. Both of these individuals come from backgrounds of abuse and they are in reality a microcosm of what happens everyday in households throughout the nation, indeed the world. When men are given the tools they need to be stronger fathers and husbands, the world is a better place.