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Will God really provide? by Dr. Bruce

How about taking personal responsibility instead?

Photo by Sam Moghadam Khamseh on Unsplash

Have you ever heard of the dogma, ‘There’s someone for everyone?’ Sadly, many people live lonely lives, believing that God has one special person, just for them. That out of the billions of people in the world, there is one who is the perfect fit. So, where does this belief come from? I know of one major source. Do you really have to ask? The Bible, of course! The Gospel of Mark promises that whatever you ask, believe you have received it and it will be yours. Not specific to relationships, but covers pretty much anything. Matthew says that what you ask will be given, what you seek you will find and if you knock, the door will open. Ok, so if I’m seeking an intimate partner, that verse would appear valid. In Hebrews, faith is the assurance of things hoped for. Ok, you get the point. As a young man, I was part of a few singles groups. I noticed that while many people succeeded, some just floundered. Why? Frankly, because they failed to make necessary changes. Changes? They don’t have to change, right? God will provide that perfect mate at the correct moment. Wait? Where’s the personal responsibility? Well…That’s why this dogma is so harmful. It teaches people to be subservient and complacent instead of taking charge of their lives. Here’s an overview of the archetypes of people I encountered with this belief.

The guy who gives you pause: Waiting for God to provide someone is like buying into the advice, ‘Just be yourself.’ But, what if yourself is creepy? One man I knew, Jim, was like that. He was an average looking guy in his thirties. But he was, in a word, weird. How? The way he consistently behaved at church singles gatherings. One time in particular stands out to me. Let me take you to that moment. It’s a group of sixteen people, evenly divided, male and female. “Did I tell you what Lola did recently?” Jim asks. Lola is his beloved cat, about whom he loves to talk. Ok, not weird, yet. “Well, the other night,” he continues, “she went into heat and just stood at the door, crying and crying. And I told her, Lola, honey, I’m not getting sex either, so you just got to deal with it, Sweetheart.” OK, that’s cringeworthy. Especially in mixed company. Everyone looks askance, wondering where this will go. Then, he helps himself to some wine and the dirty jokes start. Women scatter. Talk about social distancing! And yet, Jim wondered aloud why God had not provided him with a wife.

The woman looking for her prince: Debbie was a young woman about the same age as Jim. She was funny, pretty, charming, and definitely not weird. She easily had her pick of men and tended to go for the shy, plain looking guy. When she approached, no guy could say no to Debbie. Yet, after one or two dates, she would move on. Why? Was Debbie mean-spirited? Not at all. So, being a curious person, once I noticed this pattern, I asked a few of the guys what happened. And the answer was the same every time. The date was fine. They honestly had a nice time with Debbie. They were just too shy to seal the deal. Hell, they could barely dare to look at her. They were so intimidated by her beauty, they wouldn’t dare try to kiss her goodnight. One guy told me that he walked her to the door and they just stood there. He was hoping that she would make the first move, and when she didn’t, he assumed that she wasn’t interested. Paralyzed by fear, he just said goodnight and left. It turns out that Debbie was very traditional and expected the man to make the first move. And believe me, she would let a guy know clearly if she was not interested. She was waiting for the prince who would sweep her off her feet but kept dating guys who were incapable of that kind of boldness. And, she believed that God would provide, as if he were going to turn one of her frogs into that prince.

Then there was the project: Jerry was good-looking, in-shape, intelligent and at times, even charming. Yet, he struggled in these groups to find someone long term. Why? Because he needed to work on himself. He was not the guy that needed just a little push or encouragement. At the time, he was a college dropout, working a low-level job, without any career prospects. And, he was fairly sloppy in appearance too, truth be told. He could get dates and was a fun guy to party with, but not a long-term prospect. He was intelligent but lacked the ability to self-reflect and self-motivate. And, growing up, he was taught that everything happens according to God’s timing. The right girl is just around the corner!

Next, Mr. obvious: Not because he said the obvious, but because he refused to see it. Chuck was a nice guy. He was personable, interesting and funny. He even had a good job. Yet, he was very overweight. He attempted to counteract that by being entertaining, and women did like him. But he was consistently in the friendzone. Poor Chuck. He eventually became depressed, felt that women wouldn’t give him a chance, felt let down by God. But here’s the problem. He was out of shape and competing against plenty of charming, funny guys who were in-shape. Yet, believing in the dogma, he kept waiting and waiting and waiting. For Chuck, losing some weight and building muscle would have helped. He was already personable. Adjustments to yourself will do much more than waiting for divine intervention.

What about the busy bee? Consider Jenny, similarly frustrated, but for different reasons. Attractive, in-shape, smart and conversational, she had everything going for her. And she was ready to marry and have children. Seems like it would be easy for her to meet someone, right? Yet, Jenny had a problem. Between work, her very large, needy family and network of friends, there wasn’t much time to squeeze someone in. She was often approached both within and without the church by eligible bachelors. She and these men would exchange numbers. Jenny, being so busy, had the expectation that they would call. And when they did, they got voicemail, and it would take days or weeks for her to respond. She always had a good reason for taking so long, which she would try to explain — work, a sick friend, yet another family member in crisis. But she failed to see the lack of balance in her life. She was such a giving person to others, that she ignored her own needs. At times she would feel overwhelmed by her life and lament not having a good man. Yet, after a few days, she would recover herself, holding onto the dogma that if patient enough, God will provide.

Finally, the wallflower: And I use that term for both men and women — attractive, but lacking personality. Meet Amber. She’s very pretty, polite, feminine. But enters the room, sits by a wall and never talks. Even when guys approach, she mostly gives one word answers. Yet, she expresses frustration to other women that week after week she’s ignored. Likewise, Cecil is a good-looking dude, nice but really boring. He couldn’t carry a conversation in a bucket. Like Amber, he lacks the ability to connect with people. As soon as a woman makes eye contact with Cecil, he looks away. If one dares to approach, he adopts what he calls ‘a quiet aloofness.’ That means he doesn’t talk. Both reactions signal to women that he’s not interested. And, yet, he’s confused about his lack of prospects. All of these types struggled to find life partners. Some never did.

So, here’s the deal. Quit waiting for God to find you a mate or in some other way improve your life. You’ve a brain, use it. If things aren’t happening for you, figure it out. You’re a grown-up. Like the book of Corinthians says, it’s time to put away childish things. And it’s childish to sit around and wait for your Almighty Father to give you what you want. Determine your goals and go after them, changing when necessary to achieve them. Jim needed to do a lot of work. It begins with noticing people’s reactions to you. Debbie needed to pick someone whose personality fit her needs. Her version of ‘Be Yourself’ was to stay in familiar dating patterns while praying for something different. It’s incongruent and it’s something a lot of us do with relationships, jobs, families, friends, etc. Why? Because it’s easy and familiar. It’s comfortable and, frankly, lazy. Every time I hear people say that they’re waiting for God to provide, it makes me wonder if it’s just an excuse for not taking responsibility for their own lives.

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