Modern Times

What Will the Rich Hijack Next — Chess?

What’s next on the rich hit list?

There’s not much that hasn’t been hijacked by the rich when it comes to leisure pursuits. From BBQing to gardening, from cycling to running, there’s little that hasn’t been marketed to death.

Whole stores dedicated to kitting you out with the latest gardening wear. Entire exhibition centres booked out by BBQ manufacturers trying to sell you even more efficient ways to grill a dead animal. Your local cycle store selling you everything you need for your bike, except the bike itself, which you need to order online.

Everything we do these days has a specialized product for making it easier to do this or that. There’s even stores catering to that simple art of burning wood. Everything you need for your wood burner, from lighter fluid to specialized pokers, from glass cleaner to extra long matches.

Everything you need to re-enact that basic action of lighting a fire humanity discovered over 500,000 years ago.

So What’s Next?

Knitting, reading, breathing, sleeping, dying?

All been done.

The only thing left is Chess.

Chess

I can guarantee it that soon chess will be the next rock ‘n’ roll. That once quiet private game reserved for the biggest brainboxes on the planet, will be soon rolled out as the next golf, cycling and barbecuing all in one.

Specialist Chess Centres will run deep immersion courses for corporate gurus who’ve got bored with grilling sheep and planting organic broad beans. Now they want to learn chess.

The Power Chess Program (PCP)

This puts candidates through a series of gruelling 12-hour sessions in a dark room where they play up to 200 matches an hour against a computer. The computer is instructed to let them win half of them to make them believe they’ve got a chance.

The corporate goons are kept alive by an intravenous cocktail of amphetamine, Red Bull, cocaine, and Martinis. When they emerge from the program eight days later, they believe they are the reincarnation of Bobby Fischer and Garry Kasparov combined.

They are then ready to compete in their first tournament which is against a four-year-old, in which they are comprehensively beaten. Except they are not, because this is when the corporate goon plays his secret weapon.

The Corporate Lawyer Piece

This is a new addition to the classic chess set of Pawn, Knight, Bishop, Rook, King and Queen, and is only available in special KPMG endorsed chess-sets.

The Corporate Lawyer Piece looks something like this.

This allows the player to halt the game at any point — even if he’s lost — in order to threaten legal action against the kid and their family, resulting in the game being declared null and void. The winner being the person with the most money.

In addition, the KPMG-endorsed chess game also comes with electrified pieces that limit the opponent’s moves to one or two squares. Any more and the opponent is subjected to a 30,000-volt shock that will fry their brains and put their learning back five or ten years.

The same technology that was used on homosexuals and women in Saudi Arabia before being exported back to The West for use on homosexuals and women.

This is why the corporate goons are so keen to start learning and playing chess, as it’s the one thing they’ve been left behind on.

They’ve ‘mastered’ and bought everything else. The only thing they haven’t got their hands on was chess. Simply because it was dominated by people cleverer than them, mainly children and foreigners.

But not anymore!

With the Power Chess Program, any budding corporate imbecile can take part in chess tournaments and win. All achievable through a mixture of intimidation, greed, violence, drug use, fraud, blackmail, thuggery, and extortion. Techniques that are as common to the corporate class as the Sicilian Defense is to a grandmaster.

So what are you waiting for? Hop on board! Let’s give the working class another world-class beating. Again!

For more details on the Power Chess Program, see below.

Thanks for reading, for more games: