Wilbur Ross Hospitalized for “Acute Befuddlement”

Summary

Wilbur Ross, the Secretary of Commerce, was hospitalized after a bizarre incident where he ran naked through the White House due to being denied a car loan, despite his wealth and advanced age.

Abstract

Wilbur Ross, who appears significantly older than his 110 years, was hospitalized for what an aide described as "acute befuddlement" after he stripped and ran through the West Wing. The incident was precipitated by his inability to secure a car loan for a Tesla, a vehicle he desires despite not driving due to poor eyesight. Ross's reaction to federal workers' financial struggles during the government shutdown, suggesting they take out loans, and his lack of understanding of the air traffic controllers' plight, have highlighted his disconnect from the realities faced by average Americans. His personal life, including his third marriage to Hilary Geary, has also raised eyebrows, with speculation about the authenticity of their relationship. The incident has further underscored Ross's detachment from everyday life and the perception of his cluelessness.

Opinions

The aide's description of Ross as a "wrinkled-up baby bird" and the suggestion that he should retire or be "buried under a tree" indicates a strong disapproval and lack of respect for Ross's behavior and mental state.
The aide's comment about Ross's wife, Hilary Geary, implies skepticism about the sincerity of their marriage and suggests that she may be having an affair.
The security guard's decision to cover Ross with a jacket after he was taken down is seen as an act of unnecessary kindness in the midst of a chaotic situation, reflecting a sense of empathy despite Ross's eccentric behavior.
The overall tone of the content conveys a critical view of Ross's actions and his public statements, painting him as out of touch with the struggles of federal workers and the broader implications of the government shutdown.

Gives White House security guards a run for their money.

Mask of Wilbur Ross by artist, Sharon Lee Rosenbaum

Mummified Secretary of Commerce, Wilbur Ross, has been rushed to an undisclosed DC hospital after what an unidentified aide called, “losing his shit.”

Ross, who looks at least ten, or maybe fifteen years older than his actual age of 110, was seen tearing off his clothes and running through the West Wing of the White House, naked.

“He looked like a wrinkled-up baby bird,” said the aide. The reason for the meltdown: The good Secretary was apparently turned down for a car loan.

“He’s had his eye on a Tesla for a while now,” explained the aide, adding, “which is nuts, because the dude doesn’t even drive, for God’s sake. He can’t see ten feet in front of him. Even after cataract surgery. No way in hell I’d be anywhere on the road if his skinny ass was behind the wheel.”

So wealthy that thousand-dollar bills were found in a stool sample during his annual physical, Ross has been slammed for his clueless comments about the legion of federal workers left without pay due to the government shutdown in December of last year.

Propped up, and made up for the national news outlets, Ross said that he “didn’t quite understand” why the workers were showing up at food banks and homeless shelters, and suggested — in all seriousness — that these hapless employees, who have been struggling without their paychecks for weeks, “should borrow from a bank or credit union.”

Ross was also at a loss as to why air traffic controllers were calling in sick, as they were “eventually going to be paid.”

“Yeah. And Secretary Ross is eventually going to be as dead as he looks,” said the aide. “I mean, the guy is totally clueless. He needs to take that little head out of his wrinkled butt. I don’t get why he’s not retired and sitting by some lake somewhere. Like in those Schwab commercials. Or buried under a tree.”

Ross, whose first two marriages didn’t quite take, is currently subsidizing wife Number 3: Hilary Geary, a writer for Quest magazine. (Quest magazine?) Geary, who is somewhere in her late 60s, has also been married twice before, and when photographed with her shrunken spouse, has the stupefied look of someone who has just awakened from a coma.

Geary was not on the scene when Ross streaked through the West Wing. “She was getting her highlights done,” said the aide. “I know because I had to make the friggin’ appointment. Any bets she’s banging someone? And I’m not talkin’ about that fart she’s married to.”

After a surprisingly robust pursuit — the teensy Secretary being light on his feet — Ross was taken down by two security guards, one of whom threw his jacket over the mindlessly raving, over-exposed, gazillionaire.

Hailed for his “humanity” in the midst of a tense situation, the guard in question was matter-of-fact about what others on the scene considered to be an unnecessary, and undeserved act of kindness.

“Aww, hell.” he said. No one needs to see that. Know what I mean?”

Hell, yeah.

Sherry McGuinn is a longtime Chicago-area writer and award-winning screenwriter. Her work has appeared in The Chicago Tribune, Chicago Sun-Times and numerous other publications. Sherry’s manager is currently pitching her newest screenplay, a drama with dark, comedic overtones and inspired by a true story.