Widowhood Sucks

No, you don’t get used to it.

Widowhood sucks. That may not be the most eloquent description of the situation, but it is accurate. There is nothing positive about:

Having spent the last 7 years in heart-wrenching loneliness for the man I knew would complete my life from the moment I laid eyes on him.

My brittle, frigid skin aching for his warm touch.

Missing the love and emotional support he gave unconditionally for 4 ½ decades.

Missing his comforting arms enveloping me as we slept.

Missing laughing with him.

Missing making love with him.

Aching for the piece of my heart that kept it whole for over 4 decades.

Missing HIM.

Yet Gratitude makes it almost bearable.

What? How could I possibly be grateful for such torment? I’m not.

However, after reading countless stories over the last 5 months from Medium authors whose marriages were characterized by anger, physical, emotional, and mental abuse, discord, hatred, alcoholism, drug abuse, and indifference, I have come to believe I am one of the luckiest women on earth and will be eternally grateful that I spent my life with:

Someone who loved me unconditionally and told everyone so.

Someone who supported and encouraged my dreams and ambitions.

Someone who was proud of my accomplishments and told everyone about them.

Someone who experienced pure joy from seeing me happy.

Someone who simply enjoyed my company.

Someone who thought I was the smartest person on earth and could accomplish anything.

Someone I could count on to be by my side during life’s rough patches.

Someone I could love back in the same manner in which he loved me.

Was everything perfect all the time? Of course not. We had disagreements like any couple. The difference was that we both cherished our relationship enough, and loved each other deeply enough, that we worked together to discuss and compromise to find solutions that we could both live with.

My heart breaks for the women whose stories I read on Medium who endured emotional and physical pain during their marriages. Sometimes in multiple marriages. Infidelities, narcissism, gaslighting, mental cruelty. I am astounded at not only what many women have endured, but that so many men like that exist.

So yes, widowhood sucks. I miss him desperately. Sometimes the pain of loss is so deep that it feels like a gut punch. Sometimes the longing is so strong that I think if I just reach far enough and want it badly enough, I will feel him again.

But I know that I was one of the lucky ones. I spent most of my adult life safely wrapped in a warm blanket of love with a man whom I adored, and who loved me unconditionally, and for that, I will be forever grateful.

© Copyright 2022 Joan Gershman

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