Why You’re Not Living The Life You Want (And How To Fix It)
You’ve Been Lying To Yourself
Storytelling is central to the human existence.
You tell yourself stories to make sense of the world.
When you’ve made sense of it, you use your storytelling abilities to share your understanding with others — like I’m doing with you now.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with this process except that your brain (and mine) is a lazy little f***er.
It would rather expend as little energy as possible.
This develops your tendency to create flawed, simple stories based on a sequence of facts about a complex and random world. Nassim Taleb calls this phenomenon the “narrative fallacy.”
It’s the false impression you have a complete understanding of the world.
A flawed worldview begets a flawed belief system which begets flawed actions that result in crappy outcomes.
This explains why many aren’t living the life they want…
They’ve succumbed to their flawed view of the world.
Fortunately, turning things around is quite simple.
It involves recognizing the stories you’re telling yourself and checking their validity before you accept them.
Lying to yourself is easy
Your brain is constantly coming up with stories to fill gaps in your knowledge.
It does so to optimize itself for less effort.
This is why I call it a lazy little f***er.
To prove my point…
Yuo cna porbalby sitll raed tihs qiute esaliy desptie teh msispeillgns.
Am I right?
All that’s happened is your brain used context from what you’ve experienced before to formulate a story that makes sense.
In other words…
You were able to make sense of something that doesn’t make sense.
In this instance, it was harmless and rather served you.
In other scenarios, it’s not always as forgiving.
For example, let’s take the story of an imaginary figure named Billy…
Billy grew up in a middle-class household with his mother and father.
One day, his dad struck gold in his side business and became an instant multimillionaire overnight.
His customers' demands grew, meaning he spent longer at work and had little time for his family…
Disputes broke out with his wife as a result. She questioned his priorities and gave him an ultimatum — “Either you spend more time with the family, or you leave.”
He tried to spend more time at home but felt he had to devote himself to his work endeavors in those early stages, which often meant he brought work home.
The inevitable happened a few months later; his wife filed for divorce.
Poor Billy watched the entire saga play out.
As he grew older, he despised money. He would say things like, “Money is the root of all evil.”
If you saw him, you’d never believe his dad was a millionaire.
His beard was scruffy and he wore torn second-hand clothes he washed only when he had enough money to pay for the laundrette since he didn’t have his own washing machine at home.
In this scenario, it’s clear Billy used facts surrounding his parent's divorce to create a story that puts money in a bad light.
His inclinations were valid at the surface level since he had facts to prove it (i.e., life was good before money but bad after it).
This made what he told himself believable.
… but it didn’t make it a reality.
For many, money is a tool used to exchange value. The more you have, the more you can get.
Billy’s mind doesn’t care about other's interpretations though. It would rather capture the most simplistic worldview to prevent his thought processes from slowing down.
This gives him immediate clarity about how he feels and why he feels that way, but it’s a trap most people fall into, causing their lives to be a false reflection of their heart's desire.
It’s easier to settle with a reasonable story than to experience the reality.
Much of this wiring stems from evolution.
Our evolutionary inclination is to search for patterns that don’t exist as it preserves energy.
It was also used to keep us safe a few hundred thousand years ago when a split second to process a thought could be the difference between life and death.
The origin of delusion
Ever heard the saying, “You don’t see the world as it is, you see it as you are?”
This is due to the stories you tell yourself about what you experienced.
The experience isn’t what mattered; it’s the story.
Two people can go through the same experience but have drastically different turnouts based on how they see the situation.
For example, my dad was a heavy drinker in my younger years, and this caused a few problems at home.
My brother and I were both present throughout the entire experience, but I grew up never touching alcohol. He drinks whenever he goes out.
The story you tell yourself shapes your worldview, which forms your belief system. Your belief system then defines your actions since your actions are merely a reinforcement of your beliefs.
In Psychology, this is known as “confirmation bias.”
It’s the tendency of people to search for, interpret, favor, and recall information in a way that confirms or supports their prior beliefs.
Do you see the problem here?
Developing a compelling story that determines everything you see and do is too easy.
Once a false belief develops, it’s extremely difficult to subconsciously move away from it since everything comes together to reaffirm your bias.
This is how people find themselves stuck in mediocrity.
They’ve created an alluring story that coincides with their perceived reality which is far from the true reality.
Since this phenomenon occurs subconsciously, most people aren’t aware of how their illusions may cloud their judgment.
When they jump to conclusions or make snappy judgments, they consider it valid based on their notion of reality, which isn’t necessarily the true one.
Usually, we’d refer to someone who acts in this manner as delusional.
But as technology advances society, it becomes less and less of a requirement to engage in deep thought…
Delusion becomes more of the norm as a result.
As more people accept false realities, the requirements to be considered delusional change.
You now have to drift wildly away (think Kanye West) from the population's accepted norm.
Take the wheel of your thoughts
You can’t turn off your storytelling function.
… But you can become aware of it.
Noticing you’re fixed in a pattern that doesn’t serve you is the first step toward altering the behavior.
All you gotta do is identify the story shaping your worldview and then alter it.
For example, I used to be extremely inconsistent with writing on Medium.
I’d have one extremely active month, then disappear for weeks.
After a while away, I’d realize Medium is a super cool way to get passive income, so I’d devote myself, but my time away means I have to build up momentum to get the algorithms on my side all over again.
One day, I questioned why this phenomenon continuously occurred and realized why…
I told myself I was not a writer, and reality reflected that belief.
My goal was to be financially free — passive income surpassing earned income — but the story I told myself rejected the means I had immediately available to achieve that goal.
As a result, I wasn’t living the life I wanted.
Identifying the stories you tell yourself will allow you to steer your life in the direction you want it to go.
A simple way to capture the stories you tell yourself is to seize two moments with your day.
One in the morning. One in the evening.
Use these periods to document how you feel with a pen and paper.
No one should have access to this content. Feel free to go in as much detail as possible.
Doing this exercise regularly will tune you toward your thoughts and feelings toward your desired goal, making it easier to catch when your beliefs are flawed.
Another important factor is the content you consume.
There’s a popular saying in machine learning that goes, “Garbage in, garbage out.”
It’s the notion that a more powerful model wouldn’t produce better results if the data it’s modeling is bad.
The same phenomenon occurs with you.
Your inputs determine your outputs.
If you’re consuming content that doesn’t serve you, it will produce outcomes that flow accordingly.
Be deliberate about what you let inside.
Final thoughts
Telling stories is in your nature…
You can’t turn it off.
… But leaving your brain to handle this function by itself is a recipe for disaster. It’s too lazy and unwilling to consider all the factors influencing certain events.
You must know how the stories you’re telling yourself influence your behaviors by tracking them regularly.
Write down what’s on your mind when you wake up and before bed.
Also, take control of your inputs.
Don’t consume media recklessly, as this influences the narratives you tell yourself.
Doing this will make it easier to steer yourself toward your desired outcomes, making life more fulfilling.
Thanks for reading!
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