Why you’re not getting where you want to be

Forever, I have listened to parents, friends and colleagues feeling dissatisfied and frustrated that they are not achieving what they want. This is the reason why.

Have you ever looked at your bank balanced and let out an involuntary sob? Have you ever wandered into your workplace, looked around and thought ‘what the f*ck am I doing with my life?’ Have you just finished a conversation with a friend and realise that they have just spent an hour telling you why life sucks? It seems that everyone I know is unsatisfied with their lot. They’re working hard, or trying to find a job to work hard in, and they’re unhappy, constantly hoping to win the lottery or find another job/partner/diet/holiday to stave off the misery. I think I know why.

Why are you not where you want to be: realising where you actually want to be

I would say that the majority of people don’t actually know where they want to be. This sounds dumb, but don’t dismiss this point out of hand. Have you actually sat down and worked out what it is you’re trying to achieve? While most people will be able to give an answer, if they’re on the list below, they’re unlikely to be what the ‘actually want’. It is because most people are chasing things without truly considering whether there are the correct goals, that the majority of people are unhappy, dissatisfied and angry.

“Risk comes from not knowing what you’re doing.” — Warren Buffett

If we can figure out what it is we really want then we can start taking meaningful steps in the right direction. This rule doesn’t just apply to big things, but small ones too. For example, I continually used to go to the tap and pore myself a glass of water, drink a mouthful then throw the rest of it away feeling vaguely annoyed and completely dissatisfied. After months of this I finally sat and thought about what I actually wanted. It turns out I wanted cool water so I brought a filter and put some in the fridge- viola. Solutions are straightforward but you need to know what you actually want.

Money is not ‘what you actually want’

“Too many people spend money they earned..to buy things they don’t want..to impress people that they don’t like. — Will Rogers

We’re in a world where money talks. Society respects money and capitalism, in it’s heart, wants us all to desire money; if the general populace stopped lusting after money the system would die. So advertisements, TV, the internet, the whole of social media, everything is geared to tricking us into believing we want and need more money. In fact, we’re not even being tricked into wanting money we’re tricked into wanted to spend more money.

“When most people say they want to be a millionaire, what they might actually mean is “I’d like to spend a million dollars.” And that is literally the opposite of being a millionaire.” Morgan Housel, The Psychology of Money: Timeless lessons on wealth, greed, and happiness

So do you still think that it’s lack of money making you unhappy?

Promotion is not ‘what you actually want’

“Without promotion something terrible happens… Nothing! ” P.T. Barnum

Most people in western society are conditioned to look at short term goals through the education system we’re in. Think about it. You work towards graduating each year, passing assessments, school qualifications and then degrees. Each step a small number of years, the goal seemingly being to pass the next hurdle in front of you. School → university → gaining a job, all seem as obvious as putting one foot in front of the next. However, once again we’re being tricked into an ‘end-goal’ mindset where we think our fulfilment comes from the gold stars we’re given at the end. Promotion is the natural extension of this and we’re once again drinking the kool-aid and joining the muddled groupthink that promotion will bring us fulfilment. If we don’t get the promotion we’re angry, if we get it the goalpost move or we realise that the grass wasn’t actually greener on the other side.

“The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. The grass is green beause you water it” -quote outside a church.

Feeling happy is not ‘what you actually want’

Everyone I know, myself included, seem to be aiming for fulfilment through being happy. Happy is a short-term state often dependent on a dopamine hit or external factors out of our control (like whether the person you’ve been speaking to texts you back), fulfilment is much more longterm and dependent on factors within our control. It’s easy to spot people reaching for happiness and conflating it with fulfilment: junk food, alcohol, nicotine, nights out, shopping, dating, all attempts at fulfilment by aiming at the wrong goal.

So, if money, promotion and happiness are not what we want then what do most people actually want? If you can work out what it is you really want, as Buffett says, you’ll reduce the risk. Here’a a couple of suggestions.

Financial freedom may be what you actually want

“Financial freedom is freedom from fear.” — Robert Kiyosaki

Instead of wanted to spend a million dollars, maybe you want to actually have the million dollars that gives you the freedom to work as much, or as little as you want. If this is what you want then saving it key, clever investment and planning for retirement. It’s never too early to get a plan together even if it changes every year.

Finding work that gives meaning may be what you actually want

I am sure you have heard of the Japanese concept of Ikigai, if you haven’t it can be a really helpful way of working out whether your profession brings you true meaning. To test your current job, ask yourself four questions:

• What do you love?
• What does the world need?
• What are you good at?
• What can you get paid for?

If you job is something you love, is something that helps provide something that is needed, if you feel you are good at your work and your work gives you enough to allow you to live and aim for financial freedom then all boxes are ticked. If your promotion will give you four ticks then go for it, if it doesn’t you might want to consider a different path, or work to make your job something that allows you to answer ‘yes’ to all of the questions above.

Finding fulfilment might be what you actually want

You may not know the answer to this. For me, having children gave me fulfilment. For you it might be finding a partner, your work, or helping others in some way. You might not know what will give you fulfilment, in which case you will have to try different things and take time to constantly reflect. You may feel that the thing that you need is out of your grasp, don’t.

Whatever you decide, be honest with yourself, realise what it is you actually want and then go for it.

“You get in life what you have the courage to ask for.”

Oprah Winfrey — American talk show host