Why Your Sex Number Matters
How your lifetime number of sexual partners might impact your relationships — even though it shouldn’t
“I have no objection to anyone’s sex life as long as they don’t practice it in the street and frighten the horses.” ― Oscar Wilde
Your sex number matters — even though it shouldn’t.
I’m not saying it’s fair, logical, or progressive, but it still matters. And there’s a striking difference between why it often matters for men or women. That’s not the way it should be, but all of my experience (and the science) tells me it matters anyway.
In fact, your number of sex partners sometimes matters so much that it can significantly affect your current relationships.
Why your sex number matters at all
In a perfect world, your sex number wouldn’t matter at all. We’d all be equal and see each other’s past with neutral passivity. Certainly, there would be no evaluation, judgment, or shame involved.
Social and cultural programming taught most of us the exact opposite. Sex-shaming is still alive and well — particularly against women — and that should absolutely be stopped.
Unfortunately, we don’t live in a perfect world. Not even close.
“If our sex numbers didn’t matter, we wouldn’t have so many controversial ideas surrounding it.” — Niki Mcgloster
Our body count matters, particularly when it comes to serious dating or long-term relationships. This “reality” all started eons ago, well before sexual freedom and sex-positivity. It carries remnants of religious purity, social shaming, and viewing women as marital possessions.
Thankfully, society has progressed on many counts.
Here are a few things your sex number doesn’t mean:
- You are religious
- You are uptight or boring
- You are inexperienced (you can have lots of varied sex with a few people)
- You are promiscuous
- You should be shamed
- You should be praised
- You consented to the sexual experience
Yet, couples still argue over sex numbers — and that’s whether one or both person's numbers seem subjectively too high or too low. There is no “right” number. It’s all pretty much based on a personal perspective.
While each of us has the freedom to express ourselves sexually with as many or as few partners as we want, there are typically still relationship consequences. It may not be right, but it is regularly today’s “reality”.
What’s your sex number?
Not everyone asks this question in a relationship, but I think most people want to know. Or, at the very least, they feel curious about their partner’s number.
There’s nothing wrong with curiosity, or even asking about your partner’s sexual past. For many, it’s a way to develop deeper intimacy and understanding. Other people might be curious, but they don’t ask.
The reasons differ, but I suppose they all fall under the common umbrella that many people know the number (low or high) might affect their relationship. Even if they don’t want it to change anything, it still might.
That’s a problematic response common amongst many issues. We don’t want something to be a certain way, so we refuse to accept the current reality. To me, it’s a form of denial that feeds the problem instead of solving it.
For most of my young adulthood, I had a low number of partners. A number that always left me feeling insecure.
There’s nothing wrong with virginity or having a lower number, but society still promotes misguided misogyny that ties masculinity to sexual conquests. In other words, the more sexual experience a man has, the more manly or masculine he is in the world.
Of course, there’s no concrete basis for this belief. Yet, it persists in the cultural ethos.
We even have comedies like The 40-Year-Old Virgin that, to be fair, I find hilarious. But these movies still promote the idea that a lack of sexual experience equals lower value as a man. I don’t like it, but that’s the current reality.
It’s the reverse for women. More on this in a moment.
Different cultures see sexuality differently. However, I am privy to both relationship research and the inner thoughts of thousands of men in a private Facebook group on a related topic.
The consensus, it seems, follows cultural norms and research.
The science of your sex number
Historically and biologically, men who slept with more women had a higher chance of procreating. This is also true in the animal kingdom. From the past to the present, men with high sexual experience are often seen as wealthy, successful, and highly valued.
Kings have their concubines and modern male rock stars their endless throngs of groupies.
To be clear, not every woman sees every man the same. However, in general, a high sex number doesn’t seem to negatively impact a woman’s view of a man.
Socially desirable men, on the contrary, are typically elevated and pursued.
According to research published in Science Reports, women see a man as more attractive when they find out the man is desired by other women. The research calls this an “attractiveness boost”.
This study seems to confirm earlier research published in the Journal of Experimental Social Psychology. This earlier study “found that 90 percent of single women were interested in a man they believed was taken, while a mere 59 percent wanted him when told he was single”.
As unfair as it is, the same doesn’t seem to be true for women.
“I think it is funny that we were freer about sexuality in the 4th century B.C. It is a little disconcerting.” — Angelina Jolie
Women with a high sex number are often shamed or seen as less desirable by many men. It’s a well-known double standard that deserves a quick death.
However, it may also have origins in science. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology suggests that mating preferences differ between men and women.
No surprise there.
The study included global data from 52 nations, six continents, and 13 islands. Based on the study, men tend to focus on higher numbers when short-term mating (having more flings or one-night stands). Women, however, tend to focus on quality over quantity.
What does this have to do with sex numbers? Perhaps part of the typical male aversion to women with more past sex partners is due to this “invisible” social trend. In other words, men might unconsciously see higher sex numbers for women as “out of the social norm” without knowing why.
It probably also has to do with a history of patriarchy and male insecurity.
The authors of the global research point out that everyone is biologically equipped for short and long-term mating. Regardless of the reasons, shame and double-standards unfortunately exist.
Games with numbers
The desirable and undesirable paradox between genders probably comes as no surprise. It’s often said that when heterosexual couples discuss their sex numbers, you should half the number a guy claims and double or triple the number given by girls.
The idea being that men inflate their number to demonstrate more desirability. Whereas women might lie by lowering their actual number to avoid judgment or to protect their partner’s ego.
It’s important to remember that a person’s number doesn’t equal their skill at sex, their personal values, or their character.
A person’s body is their own. We all have a right to do what we want sexually with our own bodies. Besides that, in my opinion, every human being is inherently valuable just because they exist. The attraction or desirability of one person towards another, however, can and does fluctuate.
Until we make progressive leaps toward acceptance and sexual freedom, this reality is not likely to change anytime soon.
“Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.” — Marilyn Monroe
Final thoughts
Having a high or low sex number need not be a goal — unless you want it to be a goal. Different partners will likely feel differently about your sex number.
Neither your personal choices nor their personal preferences should be shamed.
What matters most is how you feel about yourself. If you lovingly accept yourself and only indulge in relationships with other people who accept you as well, you promote a better sexual tomorrow.
That’s how we create the next sexual revolution.