Why You Stay In Relationships That Aren’t Right For You
“It’s easy.”
Without even knowing you, I can guess you know of a few people who are in romantic relationships they shouldn’t be in.
They’re probably friends of yours or friends of friends. You’ve had countless conversations with them about how the person they’re with is completely wrong for them and there’s someone better out there.
Or maybe you’re the one in a relationship you know you shouldn’t be in. You don’t want to admit it, even though your friends have brought it up a few times, and a small part of you knows it’s true.
Licensed mental health counselor Shani Graves says,
“We’d rather silently suffer in a relationship that gives a sense of companionship than start all over again.”
You’re not the only one who’s been through this. Many people stay in relationships they know they shouldn’t be in, and with that being said, here are a few reasons why.
You’ve been together for a long time.
Relationship expert and life coach Kali Rogers says,
“Once we’ve put so much time, effort, love, and attention into anything — we want to see the results we believe we are entitled to. It’s much harder to cut your losses and walk away than it is to stay and put in one more hand.”
In a study published in Current Psychology, participants were asked to imagine a bad relationship and consider whether they should stay or leave. The results showed that the longer the relationship was, the more likely the participants would choose to stay.
Rogers says the same idea that keeps couples together is also what keeps gamblers at the poker table because they tend to believe that despite losing a ton of money, the next hand they play will make everything right again.
Similarly to how we think in relationships:
“Yeah, those last few years were garbage, but maybe this year I can finally make it right.”
It’s hard to give up on someone when you’ve invested years of your life on them. And for some people, it’s just too hard to let go and start over again from scratch.
You think you can change them.
There’s a huge difference between encouraging your partner to get healthy or make weekly goals versus trying to completely dismantle their core being and change their mindset on life.
Every person you date will have a few annoying habits, and while those are indeed fixable, major personality traits aren’t.
Relationship expert Daniel Amis says,
“If there are many things you wish to change about the person you’re with, it simply means you’re not on board with who they really are.”
Just like you wouldn’t want your partner to change you, you should never expect your significant other to completely change themselves — especially for your benefit.
You stay with someone who you know deep down isn’t right for you because you believe you’ll be able to change them into who you want them to be or who you think they can be. You convince yourself you’ll be content if they just stop doing x y and z and do a, b and c instead.
You don’t want to admit that you’re not compatible. Maybe you’ve outgrown them. Maybe they’ve changed too much over time. Either way, you’re telling yourself leaving is the wrong decision because eventually, they’ll meet your standards.
There’s some sort of hidden benefit.
You might be staying with your partner because they provide you with something.
It could be basics. Home, food, money — maybe you’ve never been on your own and have counted on your partner for everything.
Maybe the two of you have incredible chemistry behind closed doors, and you’re unwilling to give that up despite everything else between the two of you being mundane.
Maybe you think your partner is extremely attractive and you’re worried you won’t ever find somebody as good-looking.
An old friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend, who was perfect for him for someone better looking, and despite him being unhappy with his new wife, he refuses to leave because she provides him with a type of status.
Maybe you completely lack self-esteem and stay because you don’t think you’ll ever find anyone else. Online dating isn’t your thing.
Maybe you’ve been married for years. The idea of being single scares the living crap out of you. The status of being married overpowers your desire to leave even though you want to.
It’s easy.
It’s easy to tell your friends to end their relationships at the first red flag you notice, but when it comes to your own relationship, leaving is hard because staying is easy.
It’s easy to swallow your frustrations, close your eyes, and pretend you’re okay with the way you feel.
Breaking up isn’t easy. If you live together, you might have to move out. You have to figure out who gets the dog. If you split all of your expenses, you’re going to have to figure out how to budget — or get another job.
If your social group is the same, you have to figure out how to tell them. Who gets to hang out with who? Are you going to be okay if they still see your partner and not you? On top of that, the idea of telling your family makes your brain hurt.
And if you have kids? That’s a whole other complication.
Lesli Doares, relationship coach and author says,
“There’s this perception that you have to justify your reasons for ending the relationship to others — friends, family — in a way that makes sense to them. So usually couples just stay together partially because they don’t want to explain why they’d rather be apart.”
Additionally, the pressure from friends and family to stay together is hard to overcome. When you consider all the physical and emotional separation that comes with breakups, most people simply don’t want to go through that pain and stress of it all.
So instead, they stay together with someone they know isn’t right for them because it’s easier.
Walking away from a relationship you know deep down isn’t the right fit for you isn’t easy, especially if you’ve invested years of your life on that individual.
However, one thing I’ve noticed that hinders people from leaving is because they believe it’s the ending of something.
It is. It’s the end of resenting your partner. It’s the end of a relationship that’s probably done more damage than good. It’s the end of waking up and wondering if you’ll feel differently that day. It’s the end of settling.
Think of it as the beginning of a new chapter in your life.
At the end of the day, you deserve happiness. You deserve to truly love someone and to be loved in that same way. And if you’re not getting that from your current relationship, you deserve to leave.