Why You Shouldn’t Give Up on Your Marriage
Six Reasons to Help You Consider Staying
I heard that a young couple in our community is getting a divorce after just one year of marriage. It’s a sad situation, and it makes me wonder what went wrong. I remember receiving their wedding announcement with their bright, smiling faces, their eyes filled with love for each other.
I wanted to tell them, “Don’t give up! Your story isn’t over yet!” I’m reminded of the saying in Alcoholics Anonymous: “Don’t give up five minutes before the miracle.” It might feel like an eternity, but when the miracle comes, you wouldn’t want to miss it.
Reflecting on my own experience, my husband Randy and I celebrated our 53rd wedding anniversary last summer. We’ve faced our share of tough times, especially dealing with Randy’s alcoholism, which seemed like an insurmountable problem. Many times, I felt like giving up on our marriage. Yet as I look back, those tough times were just five minutes in the grand scheme of things. Randy’s sobriety became a miraculous turning point, leading to years of joy we never thought possible.
Even if Randy hadn’t gotten sober, and I had to make the difficult decision to end our marriage, I would have known that I did everything I could to give us a chance. I’ve become a different person through those experiences — stronger in my faith, more compassionate, and less self-absorbed. I would have missed out on all of this if I had given up.
So if you’re thinking of throwing in the towel with your marriage, here are some benefits of not giving up:
- ** Growth in Unexpected Ways**
Wrestling with hard situations can lead to unexpected growth. As the book of Romans says, troubles develop passionate patience and forge the tempered steel of virtue. (Romans 5:3–5)
2. **Perseverance**
It isn’t easy to hang in there when you have every reason to leave, when you’ve been betrayed or hurt in your heart’s deepest places. Yet there is something powerful about having the ability to persevere, to keep moving forward against all odds.
I used to complain to a friend that I felt stuck in my marriage. I worried that nothing would ever change. She assured me that as long as I was moving forward, I would never be stuck in the same place. She was right!
3. **Power of Forgiveness**
Forgiveness is a difficult but liberating process that sets both parties free. Rebuilding takes time and consistent trustworthy behavior.
At one alcohol treatment program, Randy and I and our teenage sons spent time sharing our hurts. We crumpled up our papers and threw them into a fire pit while we held hands and prayed together. It felt freeing — like we had a clean slate ahead of us. However, it took time for trust to be rebuilt as trust must be earned. Only by observing trustworthy behaviors over time did this change for us.
4. **Loving Unconditionally**
Learning to love unconditionally means taking a firm stand when necessary, as well as setting boundaries with love.
My typical response to Randy’s drinking was to punish and threaten instead of loving him with God’s unconditional, no-strings-attached kind of love. I finally told Randy the truth with love. I love you too much to watch you destroy yourself by drinking. I will always love you, but I will only live with you if you are sober. I never would have learned how to draw difficult lines with love if I had given up on my marriage.
5. **Marriage as a Reflection of God’s Relationship**
Marriage, in God’s bigger story, reflects His relationship with us. Understanding the covenant relationship of marriages helps us learn more about our relationship with God.
6. **God’s Ability to Do the Impossible**
When we give up, we miss the blessing of what might have been in our marriage — walking through life together, celebrating the good times, grieving the losses, and leaving a rich legacy for our children and grandchildren.
In our case, I’m grateful we didn’t give up. We had every reason to call it quits. We could have missed the miracle, but instead, we can now celebrate God’s amazing grace in our 53-year-old relationship. That’s a miracle worth waiting for!