Why You Should Write Exclusively About Wombats if You Want to Win at Writing
This ultra-niche way to get readers hooked is your golden ticket to retiring at age 28, even if you’re already 52
Write what the readers want. Otherwise, they won’t read it, and you’ll be sad because your article gets no reads.
I wanted to write about how to succeed in life, and how to stay in shape, and what to eat. I used to write about meditation. But you don’t want to read that. Everyone else is churning out that self-help garbage. You’re bored with it.
You want wombats.
They’re starting a marsupial fighting championship. It’s called Mortal Wombat.
So, dear reader who wants to be a world-famous writer, here it is. Wombats to the rescue!
If You’re a Writer, You Need To Digest Content Like a Wombat!
It takes a wombat up to 14 days to digest a meal. Sedges, grass, roots, etc go into their stomachs to get churned up for almost 2 weeks. This is how writers need to feed their brains with content.
If you put news, books, and other content into that brain of yours and let it percolate around in there, your brainstorming sessions will get a boost from all of that semi-digested content food. The trick is to avoid the junk food aisle when you’re munching up all that sedge.
“Sedge: a grasslike plant with triangular stems and inconspicuous flowers, growing typically in wet ground. Sedges are widely distributed throughout temperate and cold regions.” — Oxford Languages
Writers need to read and read a lot. So get at it. Get those words in you!
Writers Need To Learn How To Make Square Poo
Wombats poop out blocks. You need to learn this trick or you’ll never win at writing.
I used to go to the bathroom the normal human way and my stats sucked. It was because I was pooping like a loser who couldn’t write well.
But one week after learning to drop blocks, My views went through the roof. The algorithm sensed it and rewarded me with some square action! I knew right away that square poo is what was making my writing soar.
How to learn the cube-poo technique:
- Find a wombat.
- Watch and learn.
- Practice, practice, practice.
If you can’t learn this important skill, you’re obviously not trying hard enough. How do you expect to be a famous writer if you can’t drop blocks?
Writers Need To Learn Skull-Crunching Butt Defenses
A wombat’s behind is one of nature's most perfect inventions. It can drop blocks, and it’s tough enough to crush the skulls of small enemies if used as a weapon. The pièce de résistance is using your own backside to plug off the entrance to your den.
Wombats can go head-first into their burrow and wedge their big butt in the doorway. It’s mostly made out of hair-covered cartilage and can take some real abuse without killing the wombat. A predator could be out there scratching or biting the wombat’s butt and never get him to move.
Why is that marsupial holding a knife? He’s being trained in close quarters wombat.
If you want to be a real writer, you need to toughen up that backside!
Benefits of a Wom-butt:
- Rejections from publications are easier when your rear end is tough.
- Extra padding for sitting in that chair typing!
- Crush the skulls of online trolls with your hard-ass style.
- A big, tough butt gives you the courage to keep going.
- When everything is coming at you and you need a break, use your rear end to plug the entrance to your den and watch Netflix while the world burns.
End Thoughts
You can win at writing, even if you’re way older than 25. All you need to do is learn from the wombat:
- Digest your sedge for at least 10 days
- Poop out some square stories on a regular basis
- Crush the skulls of your enemies with your backside money-maker
- take a break from reality by plugging your den off with your behind and ignoring the bites of wannabe soul killers
Now you know all you need to take on their world. Go forth and use that butt!
Thanks to Roz Warren for inspiration.