Why You Should Stop Being a People Pleaser
Because saying “yes” at the detriment of your own well being is unsustainable.
Saying “yes” is far easier than saying “no.” But the former response is a quick solution. At first glance, if you’re anything like me, you’ll say yes without even thinking that far ahead.
People pleasers are known as the type of people that never say “no,” they are often counted on by friends and family for a favour or to do things for other people. On the surface, they seem like the best kinds of people. But this persistence to never say “no” even when it is detrimental to our own wellbeing, should never be glorified.
People-pleasing can be an unhealthy pattern of behaviour at best — and can have fatal consequences at worst — which was something I learnt the hard way when growing up.
But where does this people-pleasing mindset come from? And why do some people display a tendency towards it more than others?
A Psychological Explanation behind People Pleasers
Some people may lack the ability to say “no” through fear of rejection. This can happen in a social setting, in a workplace or even with members of your own family. Fear of rejection outwardly and immediately stems from a type of anxiety, but it can also have deeper origins.
Sherry Pagoto, a psychologist and Professor in the Department of Allied Health Sciences at the University of Connecticut, writing in Psychology Today, argues that fear of rejection can stem from experiencing relationships in early life that were devoid of love. Often, people in later life can present fear of rejection because of either being rejected or abandoned by an important person in their life, such as a parent.
“Fear of Rejection can come from early relationships in which love was conditional or in which you were rejected/abandoned by an important person in your life (parent left or was emotionally unavailable or inconsistently available).” — Sherry Pagoto
As an adoptee myself, this explanation to a certain extent does ring true. Every adoptee has a unique pattern of circumstances that means they could no longer live with their birth family. But for me, it was a continuous pattern of parental neglect that led me towards being placed in local authority care — and eventually adopted.
Throughout my life, I have always expressed “people pleaser” styles of behaviour. Whether that’s with close friends, family or more recently, in the workplace. I tend to value other peoples’ approval and happiness above my own — and the more I think about it — it has a significant relation to my background and the circumstances in which I grew up.
But unlearning these detrimental habits is possible as soon as you start to realise how they are affecting you, this is why you should.
Reason 1: People Pleasing is Unsustainable by Nature
“If you find yourself craving approval, you are low on self-love. Stop grasping for a few scraps wherever you can. Go home and make yourself a feast. Love yourself deeply today.” — Vironika Tugaleva
As mentioned previously, saying “yes” is easier than the alternative. However, it has a long term impact on your own mental health. Although at first glance, it is a solution for avoiding immediate arguments and conflict, it can culminate in serious impacts on yourself. Therefore, it is an unsustainable way to live and approach your relationships and social life.
Like many teenagers, growing up, I engaged in binge drinking and my fair amount of experimentation, but I never thought twice about saying no, even when it involved things that I knew, deep down, were uncomfortable to me. At the time, I lacked the self-awareness to say no, and stick up for myself, which got me into some difficult consequences later down the line.
After a dangerous experience with cannabis, I started to realise the value of saying no and the importance of my own self-worth. This one experience led me to develop mental health issues such as immediate and long term psychosis, anxiety and depression. Parts of which still live on with me today in my adult life.
Of course, it’s common for teenagers to embark on these types of activities, but it is also completely okay to say no if you think they will be detrimental to yourself. The problem is, I didn’t think, and many don’t. Peer pressure and fear of rejection are direct consequences of being a people pleaser as you neglect your needs in favour of others.
Reason 2: Your Mental Health takes a Backset
Being a people pleaser naturally means your own needs are neglected in favour of soothing others. In moderation — of course — this is not an inherently bad thing. Being selfless is not on its own, a bad trait to have, but when it comes at the cost of negatively impacting your own wellbeing — that’s when you’ve got to worry.
People pleasers are easily taken advantage of and adopting this habit can increase your chances of developing anxiety, depression and suffering from stress. It’s a no brainer, right? Because essentially, you are living life to someone else's standards, rather than focusing on what you need. To please a close friend or even family member, we might do something we’re not entirely comfortable with, just to make them happy. But at what cost?
Choosing to give up alcohol is a prolific example of this. Many may feel their mental health is better suited without drinking but will bow down to peer pressure when trying sobriety. Because of the fear of disappointing others or appearing as the “party pooper” people pleasers in this situation will drink, in spite of not really wanting too.
Because you are so focused on pleasing other people, your mental health can easily start to slip. It can be a vicious cycle of dependency that is focused on what you can gain from recognition and approval. But ultimately, in the long run, it’s never worth it.
Reason 3: Saying No Can Make you Realise Who Your Real People Are
“People pleasing doesn’t allow you to receive.” — Abiola Abrams
People pleasers find themselves easily saying yes, but hesitating when saying no, especially in social situations. This is because, they either do not want to incite confrontation, or we want to damage those relationships. However, if you say “no,” and explain yourself to those you love, and it’s not well received, then who is in the wrong?
If they do not accept your reservations or show a lack of understanding, then are they people you should be spending time with?
It can take a lot of courage and self-assurance to start saying no, especially to people you love, but if people ignore your boundaries and do not respect your reasoning — then simply — they do not deserve to be in your life. Along the way to saying no and putting yourself first, you may place some relationships under strain and even lose a few people, but, it may also give you a chance to realise who matters most in your life.
To fully love, respect, and value ourselves, more of us need to work on the art of saying “no,” even if it is uncomfortable, nerve-wracking or awkward. Because at the end of the day, we all have to live our own lives and become unashamedly ourselves.
Saying “No” is the New “Yes” — Here’s How to Do It
Straying away from people-pleasing habits involves putting yourself first at all costs. Firstly, this does not mean you are selfish, but a sensible human being who values their own self-worth. This will not happen overnight but is a lifestyle change and a long term process.
Explaining why you do not want to do something to friends or family, comes from improving your communication skills. Saying “no” without an explanation is completely within your rights, but taking the time to explain why is going to make someone more likely to empathise with you. It isn’t a necessity — but an added action that can help to preserve those relationships that you care about, and enable them to understand more about you.
Additionally, getting to the route of what causes your anxieties in the first place — will enable you to slowly detach yourself away from doing things that are a detriment to your own mental health. Take 10 minutes out of each day to sit and journal, and write down your thoughts with no filter. This process will enable you to get to know yourself and recognise what patterns, habits and activities cause you anxiety. This self-awareness enables you to set your own priorities and boundaries which is invaluable in being able to say, “no.”
Lastly, don’t be afraid of letting friendships and relationships go. If they don’t understand you and respect your boundaries, this may be a sign that the relationship of whatever form, no longer serves you.
A break up of any kind is painful, but sometimes necessary, in order to grow.
The Takeaway
- Being a consistent people pleaser can have long term detrimental impacts on your life, friendships and relationships
- Fear of rejection or confrontation can often be a means to justify people-pleaser behaviour
- Peer pressure is one of the most common reasons for being a people pleaser
- Saying “no” to things more is the first stage in undoing these habits
- Craft out your own boundaries and stick to them — and then other people will too
I’ve been a people pleaser my whole life, but 2020 was the year I started to learn the importance of saying “no” and what it means for me and the kind of life I want to lead. Putting yourself first is a hard habit to adopt, but once you learn to do so, you will feel better for it.
There are different severities of being a people pleaser but ultimately — doing so can be a detriment to your own self-worth. Chances are if you have never thought twice about how hard you find it to say “no” then possibly — you need to do some work on yourself to figure out what they are.
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