Why You Should Reconsider Spending Your Twenties and Thirties in Japan as a Foreign Woman

Unmasking myths and sharing personal experiences

As a woman who has always wanted a family life, I realize now that I made a major error by spending nine years in Japan at the peak of my youth. If only I could go back in time and warn myself about the sacrifices involved in this choice, I believe I would have had a life partner and a family by now.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm very grateful for my time in Japan. It gave me career opportunities that I couldn’t have in France. Additionally, immersing myself in a new culture greatly improved my ability to adapt and be open-minded.

However, nobody warned me about the challenges of being a foreign woman in Japan and the delay it would cause in finding a life partner. During my nine years in Japan, I put my love life on hold and focused on conforming to social norms, putting work above my personal life.

Meanwhile, my friends in France were progressing, privileging work-life balance. As a result, they all found partners and started families while I remained single.

So, what did go wrong in Japan as a foreign woman in her twenties desiring to start a family life? Read thoroughly to make a conscious choice about when to live in Japan as a foreign woman.

But first, why Japan?

How I ended up in Japan is probably the same reason why you want to live there today.

Japan was my first love.

When I was 12, I discovered the culture through its anime, its manga, and its music. Like many other teenagers in search of a dreamland, they helped me escape the boredom and challenges of my adolescence.

Then, I started learning Japanese, and by age 16, I was already fluent. I would cosplay and attend the Japan Expo, the largest event in the world celebrating Japanese pop culture.

My favorite cosplay was a Japanese school uniform. I liked Japanese high school girls’ short skirts and high socks, and their outfits symbolized freedom to me — the freedom to be young and cute.

With Japanese culture ever-present in my life, naturally, my dream was to live and work in Japan, so I did everything to make this dream come true.

I went to college in France to get my Master’s Degree in Japanese Language and Civilization. Then, I traveled to Japan three times to get accustomed to the country and prepare for a bigger, longer-term move.

When I graduated from college at 26, I applied for a job in Japan. With my fluency in Japanese, I got hired immediately.

Once in Japan, I was supposed to live happily ever after because I had finally made my dreams come true. I was thrilled. But the truth is, my expectations and the reality of living in Japan didn’t match.

Living and working in Japan is very different from visiting Japan as a tourist.

Soon, I started a toxic relationship with my first love, one it would take me nine years to break free from.

Living in Japan as a foreign woman, I faced five challenges that made it difficult to maintain healthy relationships and disadvantage me now in my love life.

1. Friendships are hard to maintain

While in Japan, I was unable to develop a social capital — one’s pool of social resources found in one's personal network — due to the strict codification of human relationships in Japan.

Friends should feel comfortable discussing their thoughts, honest feelings, and concerns with each other. Coming from France, this is how I normally connect with people. However, it is not something common in Japanese culture.

In Japanese etiquette, people care about how they appear to others as opposed to what they feel. Accordingly, it’s hard to tell if someone is truly nice or just being polite. Words like ‘tatemae’ (what you present publicly) and ‘honne’ (your true feelings) are closely observed in daily interactions, fascinating sociologists around the world.

Quality friendships require time and effort to nurture and maintain, too. However, making and keeping friends in Japan can be difficult because work and discipline are important.

Japanese society places a strong emphasis on dedication to one’s job, often leading to busy and tightly scheduled lives. As a result, it was common to schedule appointments with friends one or even two months ahead.

2. "The stake that sticks out gets hammered down"

While in Japan, I forgot about who I was and learned to accept one-sided, abusive relationships by blending in and not causing discomfort to others.

There is a proverb saying, “The stake that sticks out gets hammered down.” It refers to the importance of adhering to societal rules, norms, and group harmony.

Accordingly, I was encouraged to follow rules and expectations without questioning them, conforming even when it was not in my best interest.

I became skilled at people-pleasing, prioritizing others’ needs and opinions, and neglecting my own. I also gave up my critical thinking and independent decision-making to avoid standing out or causing disruptions.

3. Stereotypes of foreign women don't help dating

Japanese men have a lot of stereotypes about foreign women — and women in general — that make it hard to date.

Many Japanese magazines portray foreign women as "too noisy, not compliant, too difficult to handle and overly sexual." As I walked in the street, I would sometimes meet a man who would throw at me, “As a foreigner, you love sex, right?”

Yet, that was the exception. I was mostly invisible to Japanese men who would not even look at me, making me wonder if something was wrong with me and destroying my self-esteem.

In fact, what I failed to understand is that society expects women to be quiet and be at the service of their husbands and children, as reflected in the expression 'ryosai-kenbo,' meaning “Good Wife, Wise Mother.”

Gender equality still has a long way to go in Japan, with Japan ranked as one of the lowest levels of gender equality among G7 countries.

These prejudices cause many beautiful and talented foreign women in Japan to remain single. I was one of them.

4. Investing in your career is a short-term solution

While I had focused on my career to cope with my poor love life, I soon realized that my work experience had little value to French corporations.

In Japan, it is very common for people to change positions within the same company every 2–3 years. This practice aligns with the country’s emphasis on developing the ability to multitask and take on various roles.

Sure, I was able to wear a wide range of job hats. However, I didn’t have the opportunity to master any particular skill at my job. The constant rotation of ‘positions’ within the company prevented me from delving deeply into one area of expertise.

Back in France, I was unable to valorize my working experience in Japan, leading to a long period of unemployment that wasn’t appealing to potential love partners.

5. Inability to save money

Lastly, having money is crucial for going on dates and then starting and sustaining a family. However, the cost of living in Japan was so high that it made it challenging to set aside any savings.

Everything from housing and groceries to transportation and entertainment came with a hefty price tag.

Renting a small apartment in a major city like Tokyo consumed a significant portion of my monthly income. The price of daily essentials, such as fresh produce and household items, was also notably higher compared to France.

Another financial shock I encountered was the cost of transportation. Japan’s public transportation can be quite expensive, especially for those who need to commute daily. Whether it was the cost of train passes or long-distance travel, it added up and left me with little room to save.

Final Thoughts

Your most precious years are in your mid-twenties and your early thirties

Your twenties and thirties are times you learn to socialize, find a partner, excel at work, and balance work-life. This most likely won’t happen if you’re a foreigner, especially a foreign woman, in Japan.

I left the country nine years later, carrying cherished memories and a beautiful experience, yet I’m still working to fill the void in my social and love life.

So, should you spend your twenties and thirties in Japan as a foreign woman if you want to build a family life one day? I don't know the answer. However, I'm curious to know your experience or your opinion.

Thank you for reading my story.

Sign up for my Substack newsletter and join thousands of like-minded people committed to love, transformation, and self-growth! And if you want to support my work, you can Buy me a Coffee