Inspiration and Life
Why you should give yourself permission
Give yourself permission. You deserve it!
Over the decades, I came across a secret very few people know. It adds tremendous value to your life and the life of others.
Every leader should learn and understand the power of this secret, yet conventional leadership training rarely touches on it. I had missed it until I had an epiphany of sorts. While it is simple, it took years to appreciate its power and impact.
The secret is:
There is unbelievable power in giving and getting permission.
Although it had been there all along, the revelation came only in hindsight. It was crystal clear once I could see its effect on our lives. Please allow me to introduce you to the secret’s almost magical power and help you put it to work in your life.
The Power of Permission
You may think it takes authority or power for someone to give permission, right? Wrong! Anyone can give permission to anyone else, but more importantly, you can grant permission to yourself!
“Give yourself permission to do what you’ve always wanted.” Chris Guillebeau (1978-present)
Are you good at giving or taking orders? Most of us are, even when they are from ourselves. Yet how are you at giving or taking permission?
The Epiphany
The day I came to understand the power of permission was while mentoring a colleague. In our conversation, I told him he could do this certain thing. All he needed to do was to allow himself to do it. As we wrapped up, he said, “No one has ever encouraged me to do this in my life until you. I thought I needed to hold back, yet now I know I don’t!”
Considering it was a rather significant “thing,” and this man was in his forties, I was taken aback at how it impacted him. Afterward, I remember thinking, surely this could not be true?
Later that evening, I received an email from him, thanking me for acknowledging him the way I did. He said, “after all of these years, I feel like I finally have permission to do it!” Reading that email was the exact moment of the epiphany.
I have always encouraged colleagues and employees, yet this was different. The effect it made on him was truly profound. I felt as though I had stumbled on a secret. At least it had been a secret to me up to that point. All this man needed was someone to speak into his life. To give him permission and encouragement to do what he had always wanted. It released him and set him free!
“Freedom is coming to mean little more than the right to ask permission.” Joseph Sobran (1946–2010)
A Personal Example
An example from my personal life happened after Charlotte, my first wife, died of cancer. Four years later, Jane and I got married and laid out a plan for me to retire from corporate life. I have always been the classic driven Type A personality and had not thought much about retiring.
At Jane’s insistence, we put a plan together for the next five years. I doubt I would have retired when I did if not for her influence.
As someone who had pulled himself up by the bootstraps, advancing from laborer to CEO, I was unaware of my need to have permission to do anything. However, the need was there. Because of my work ethic, I had not thought much about retiring.
Yet here I was, with a five-year plan that included retiring on a specific date. Jane’s approval and the plan permitted me to do so. Once I accepted this permission, the shackles fell off, and I retired.
I am very thankful for this and many other lessons in life. Yet, this secret has proven to be one of the most powerful things I have come across in executive coaching. Yes, after retiring, I went back to school to start another career and became a certified professional coach! I have since retired a second time and spend much of my time writing articles, mentoring, and coaching in the church.
Most of my coaching clients were successful business people in their late-30s to 60s. It surprised me how little permission any of them received or gave themselves. These well-educated, successful, influential, and powerful executives made tremendous shifts in their lives once they gained a little permission.
As an executive and team coach, Jane has had many similar experiences. Most people only need a bit of permission to inspire them to do what they may have wanted to do for years. They need someone to help them realize it is okay.
As coaches, we never directly persuade a client to make decisions. Instead, we help them find the decisions within themselves. When they find it, amazing things happen.
“Give yourself permission to make the story bigger.” Jay Baer (1969-present)
Try This
In recent years I have become more direct in discussing permission with others. Bringing permission into the conversation allows them to think about and explore it. Once they obtain permission, even from themselves, they almost always move forward with great command to get what they desire.
You can use the following questions on yourself or someone else to open the discussion and explore giving or getting permission:
- “What would it be like if you had permission to ____________?”
- “For you to move forward, whose permission do you need?”
- “What is keeping you from seeking or giving yourself permission to _____________?”
- “Why not give yourself permission to move forward now?”
“Dream and give yourself permission to envision a You that you choose to be.” Joy Page (1924–2008)
A few of the almost limitless areas you can practice giving yourself or others permission can include:
- Seeking another job
- Recareering
- Trying something new
- Doing something bold
- Moving ahead despite the possibility of failing
- Going on that amazing trip or vacation
- Taking all of your vacation time
- Taking a chance or risk
- Taking a sabbatical
- Going back to school
- Retiring
- Volunteering
- Loving someone
- Getting married
- Having children
- Adopting a child
Do any of the above resonate with you? These are only the tip of the iceberg, and I am sure you can come up with many other ideas. Why not take some quiet time with your journal in hand and write down some things you wish you could do? What are your dreams? Use the above questions during this time of exploration.
Final thoughts
Who could you help with the secret of the power of permission? Find someone you trust, have them read this article, and explore the subject together by asking the above questions to one another.
If you are a leader, you can empower people by giving them permission to do their work and carry out projects beyond the norm. Add a little encouragement, and you will be amazed by what happens. There is virtually no limit to the potential of the power of permission.
I challenge you to empower yourself and someone else this week with the power of permission!
“I suspect the most we can hope for, and it’s no small hope, is that we never give up, that we never stop giving ourselves permission to try to love and receive love.” Elizabeth Strout (1956-present)
May you give yourself full permission to live a long, healthy, happy life filled with amazing relationships!
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Bill Abbate Leadership Writer and Editor in ILLUMINATION
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