Why You Should Embrace Having an Imperfect Christian Marriage
This might be what’s missing in your marriage
“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can accept them who they are.” — Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years
My wife and I have been married for twenty-one years and let me tell you the most important lesson that I have learned — to accept my spouse as imperfect.
We’ve gotten this far in our marriage not because we’re perfect, but only by the grace of God. She gets upset when I open the laundry detergent box the wrong way or when I wait to get in the turn lane at the last possible second.
Or I will forget to take out the garbage or fail to tell her about a dental exam until I’m on my way driving there, and we have bigger flaws than just these.
We’ve argued on the way to Parents Night Out at church. I struggle to put the attention I should on our relationship. I get defensive whenever my wife says anything critical of me, and the list goes on for our other marital struggles.
My wife and I are imperfect, and we have an Imperfect Christian Marriage — and that’s okay with us. We encourage you to embrace your spouse and marriage as imperfect and to see the blessings of accepting imperfections.
We’re not meant to be perfect
God doesn’t intend for you or me to be perfect. He just wants us to admit our need for His help in all areas of our life, including in our marriage. My favorite scripture is 2 Corinthians 12:9, and I think it’s very relevant to marriage:
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.” (2 Corinthians 12:9, NIV)
When God says His grace is made perfect in weakness, this implies we’re not perfect. It says we have a whole host of habits and flaws as a husband or wife.
The part where it says my grace is made perfect in weakness has helped me to realize how I need to pursue God’s grace to help me do the difficult things.
So I freely admit my weaknesses in order to rely on His strength to help me.
If you take the latter part of 2 Corinthians 12:9 literally, we can also delight in insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties in marriage with the grace we receive from God as we learn to lean into Him during our challenging times.
That means we have the grace to endure all manner of things in a marriage.
Let me ask you a question
Why did you decide to get married? Think about this for a moment.
Your answer is probably similar to most Christians. You probably didn’t want to be single forever. Your answer most likely was also that you wanted to share your life with someone who loves Jesus as much as you and to create a family.
But I think many Christians also want to find their “soul mate” to follow a cultural idea. And we fall into believing we will experience a “happily ever after” fairy tale ending to our marriage after our wedding, like in the movies.
Yet, what happens when your partner leaves the door unlocked? Or mixes the towels and clothes in the laundry? Or his parenting style contrasts with yours? Or they aren't quite as patient with you as they were while you were dating?
What happens when negative interactions outweigh the positive ones? Or when a lot worse things happen than the scenarios I’ve just presented?
What happens is your fairy tale image of marriage will fall apart. And one reason Christians divorce, aside from infidelity and abuse, is that too many couples believe this illusion for their marriage instead of a realistic view.
I’m sure you’ve heard of this 12-step quote: “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” That’s the danger of having unrealistic expectations for your marriage. They can easily lead to resenting your spouse for being imperfect.
The Perfect Image in the church
Have you ever looked at the leaders in your church and their spouses, or a couple in a Bible study, and used these people as a model for your marriage? Or have you secretly wished your husband would be more like your pastor?
Too often we compare our marriage to a false notion of a perfect marriage and then feel like our marriage doesn’t live up to this perfect image in our mind.
Remember, God says in 2 Corinthians 12:9, that His grace is made perfect in our weaknesses. This means we don’t need to pretend we’re perfect or even to live up to some ideal of being perfect that’s often presented in church.
Instead, we need to admit our weaknesses to get his help where we need it.
And we should be more concerned about our relationship with God than with comparing ourselves to other Christian couples who are imperfect anyway.
A biblical marriage mandate
One of the most important verses on marriage is in the New Testament where the apostle Paul teaches about the role of a husband in Ephesians 5:25–27:
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” (Ephesians 5: 25–27, NIV)
What this means to me is a husband should show the same love Jesus shows to us when we fail. He accepts us unconditionally when we fall short. He picks us back up and forgives our sins — and this is a model for a husband to follow.
That’s the kind of marriage we should aim for where we don’t get frustrated when our spouse shows they’re imperfect — one where we strive to be patient with our spouse like God is with us, showing grace and forgiveness to them.
Final thought
It has taken my wife and me years to learn to accept each other for who we are — my wife is anxious and opinionated and I’m a laid-back centrist — and the ability to accept each other as we are has helped us to stay married.
I encourage you to embrace your and your spouse’s imperfections and to be okay with having an Imperfect Christian Marriage with God’s grace to help you in your weaknesses, and this will help you find joy in your marriage.
It will take the burden away from the impossible challenge of being perfect.