Why You Should Avoid “Personality Typing” Your Kids (or Even Adults for That Matter)

And other ways to understand what is going on for people other than diagnosing them

Yesterday I came across a post on Facebook where a mother was in distress over what to do about her unruly eleven-year-old daughter.

The mother self-identifies as an Enneagram Type 7 — fun, upbeat, optimistic, and easily distracted (her description, not mine). Knowing her own “personality type” seemed helpful to her.

She couldn’t understand some of what she was witnessing in her daughter — a highly energetic, entrepreneurial girl who cannot focus and leaves a wake of destruction around the house. According to the mother, the daughter is prone to dark emotions, volatile outbursts, and difficulties in communicating.

The mother’s plea on Facebook was for anyone to help her determine the personality type of her daughter.

My automatic yet unspoken reaction was, “No! She’s only eleven.”

But then I saw several dozen people respond to her post with all kinds of advice about what Enneagram or Myers-Briggs type the daughter is. (Each one likely a projection of the commenter.)

There were also a myriad other diagnoses including various emotional, social, educational, or behavioural disorders the girl might have.

But the comment that stopped me in my tracks was one where someone started to tell the mother that the girl’s delayed executive functioning is likely a result of an underdeveloped prefrontal cortex.

Hang on…she’s eleven!

The prefrontal cortex doesn’t finish its physical development until early adulthood, and it is widely accepted that the executive functioning governing emotional regulation doesn’t come fully on board until that time (and even then many adults struggle to develop skills in emotional self-regulation).

The expectation of children to perform cognitively and emotionally in more advanced ways than adults is unrealistic. But that wasn’t the big problem with this whole Facebook post.

Let’s start with empathy

First, the mother was looking for understanding (for herself and her daughter) and hope that things would get better. While she didn’t ask explicitly for advice beyond the personality type, that’s what she got.

None of the advice thrown at the mother appeared to be helpful or even compassionate. But such is the way of Facebook.

First thing I’ve learned about social media: Avoid divulging personal problems and seeking advice from unqualified people.

Second lesson: When someone does divulge something emotionally distressing, look beyond the question to what is really being asked for. In most cases, an empathic response will be sufficient.

Why personal typing of children should be avoided

First, personality is not fixed, even for adults. Despite the portrayal of personality as permanent, the opposite has been proven to be true. Think about it — are you the same person you were ten years ago?

If you want an accessible read on this, check out Benjamin Hardy’s Personality Isn’t Permanent: Break Free from Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story.

And even if personality did become fixed in adults, it isn’t the case for children. As we go through key developmental stages in adolescence and early adulthood, our strengths, values, defence patterns, and social orientations are still being formed.

Personality typing can easily distort thinking

Some of you may have read about my interest in the Enneagram. And yes, when used skilfully, the Enneagram can be a powerful tool for greater self-understanding and compassion.

But when personality typing is used in a rigid and prescriptive way, it moves the attention away from personal inquiry to reductive stereotypes.

A better way to use tools like the Enneagram is to ask questions about people’s experiences and then use it as a map for understanding the complex inner landscape of the self.

No girl (or boy) is an island

Another key dimension of this is that we don’t exist as independently functioning beings with fixed mental scripts.

We exist symbiotically with the world. Our experiences — including emotional reactions, situational perceptions, and how we present ourselves — are influenced by many factors.

Diet, environment, sleep quality, social interactions, trauma, coping skills, and how well our needs are being met, amongst others, can influence how we respond to the world. It’s important to look at life and ourselves systemically to gauge where we are at.

I have no advice to give

I learned several years ago that giving advice is futile at best and dangerous at worst. I write here to share my experiences and alternative perspectives on life and the world.

But none of my experiences makes me an expert in the life of another. It can be dangerous to pretend I understand about a situation I only learned about through a couple of paragraphs.

I can give compassion, understanding, and a well-placed story or question that helps people explore and understanding themselves. Beyond that, I’m still figuring life out.

I am an educator and coach who has been working with children, adolescents, and young adults for more than twenty-five years. That doesn’t make me an expert, it just means I have stories. I have also been studying the Enneagram for more than twenty years. I understand it enough to see its power and potential, as well as its limitations.