Why You Need to Let Kids Help At Home

It’s ok to let go of perceived control

I think that the best thing we can do for our children is to allow them to do things for themselves, allow them to be strong, allow them to experience life on their own terms, allow them to take the subway… let them be better people, let them believe more in themselves.~C. JoyBell C.

Parenting brings plenty of opportunities for surrender.

Do you let your kids try and fail? Have you allowed them to do things for themselves?

It’s hard for me to let go of the illusion of control. They’ll eventually have to take care of things without my interference.

It’s important that our children have agency over their bodies and environment. They need to practice doing basic tasks as they develop their abilities.

We can incorporate our children’s input into our daily routines. As young as two years old, they can get involved and practice their skills. They can prepare meals, help cook, wash dishes, wipe tables, fold laundry, and make their beds. That’s just a start.

If we don’t give them space to become more independent, kids will act out their frustrations. I’ve noticed their discomfort when I’m trying to control the show. It’s not just about efficiency or cleanliness. I know this.

When I insist on doing everything, I send a message of mistrust. This can cause resentment and could lead to a victim mentality.

Squelch their desires for autonomy and they’ll turn to codependency as a way to cope. They’ll start to believe they can’t survive without someone else.

I caused problems for my kids. I strived for balance and equanimity. I got lost along the way.

My house is a little too organized.

My oldest daughter just turned eight years old. Although she still loves snuggles and support from mom, she’s more independent than ever. My youngest is four and wants to do some things herself.

I’m fiercely independent. My parents fostered that by giving me responsibilities at a young age. I appreciate the opportunity to take care of my own needs.

They include my kids in chores and meal preparation. They’ve loaded wood into a wheelbarrow, potted and watered plants, and placed stamps on envelopes when my mom pays bills.

I’ve tried to apply my parents’ approach at home.

I was sure it would be easy.

I let them choose their clothes from a very young age, as young as three months old. Each of them showed me their preference with eye contact or grabbing with their hands.

I give them liberal food choices within the limits of what I deem appropriate. I prepare and cook all the food. The other night I let my youngest take things out of the fridge and stir the meal. She was delighted. I’ve made progress.

Continuing to foster their independence has proved a challenge for me. As a single parent, I’m accustomed to doing everything.

I had a system that worked when they were too young to contribute. We’ve outgrown the old way of doing things.

They’re ready for more responsibilities.

My oldest fights back when I try to stop her from being in charge of some tasks.

One incident stands out from last Spring. It’s easy to recall because things shifted that day. She climbed on the counter to grab a cup. I got upset with her.

I have a memory of myself doing that when I couldn’t reach something. My dad chuckles when he relays stories of me trying to get to things too high. It doesn’t sound like he got bent out of shape. I suppose it’s about perspective.

She tried to reach the cup so she could pour herself some coconut water. I demanded we talk about what’s going on. She resisted my attempts at conversation, fingers plugged in her ears and refusing to meet my eyes.

Suddenly she blurted,

“You never let me do things for myself.”

Wow.

She’s right. I’ve often peeled her banana and knew she could do it herself. I’ve set up her toothbrush every night for years. I pour her water, make her food, fold her clothes. These are all things she can handle on her own.

Why do I still peel her bananas? I don’t want it to get mushy and wasted because she won’t want to eat it anymore.

I could say it’s about wasting food or making a mess. I’d be lying to myself.

It’s all about control.

What’s will it take for me to let go?

I often ask myself this question.

I consider myself a gentle parent. I want to give my children the opportunity to grow through the experience of trial and error. But do I actually follow through?

I’ve been paying lip service to this ideal, my values suspended. Why?

I’m afraid of losing control.

I let her get coconut water and plantain chips herself that day. I asked both girls to clear their space. I paused for a few minutes before jumping up to wipe up the crumbs myself.

If I’m so worried about everything being in order, why not allow my kids to do the chores around the house? They’re still young enough to enjoy it, and they’ll improve with practice.

Being a single parent is hard sometimes. It’s harder when I do all the things and try to keep everything just right.

What if we give our children the grace and dignity they deserve by allowing space to learn new things?

What if we trust that everything will work out?

I think that’s a good plan because things do have a way of working out. Even if the kids spill stuff and water overflows, all is well. Even if stuff breaks, it’s alright.

All the worry usually doesn’t warrant the energy we throw at it. Sometimes life is kind of quirky and entertaining.

Relax, nothing is under control. And it’s totally ok.

In the end these things matter most: How well did you love? How fully did you live? How deeply did you let go?~Gautama Buddha

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