Summary

The article reflects on the significance of checking mirrors as a courteous social behavior, drawing from a personal anecdote and observations about holding doors for others.

Abstract

The article discusses the importance of checking one's surroundings, specifically when holding a door open for someone else. The author recounts an awkward experience with a colleague, leading to an observational study where only 4% of students checked behind them before passing through a closing door. This prompts the author to question why this behavior matters to them, considering cultural norms, personal values, and the impact of such gestures on community building within a diverse school environment. The author concludes that checking one's surroundings is not just a safety measure but also a way to foster connection and belonging among community members.

Opinions

The author values the friendly gesture of holding a door for someone, which extends beyond mere chivalry to a sign of courtesy in modern society.
There is a significant discrepancy between the author's expectations regarding door-holding behavior and the observed actions of students.
Despite the author's initial inclination to attribute the behavior to individualism, they acknowledge it may be influenced by cultural differences or personal importance rather than a lack of respect or thoughtfulness.
The author's emphasis on checking mirrors stems from personal experiences, such as driving and military service, which have ingrained the habit of being aware of one's surroundings.
The author believes that small courteous actions, like checking one's mirrors before proceeding through a door, contribute to a sense of belonging and noticing each other in a community, especially in a diverse educational setting.
Instead of imposing personal preferences, the author advocates for understanding and respecting diverse behaviors within a community, while also highlighting the value of such actions in fostering connections and a sense of being seen and noticed.

Why You Need to Check Your Mirrors!

Holding the door is not a sign of chivalry; it’s a sign of courtesy in the era of individualism.

This morning, I held a door open for a colleague following behind me to get a coffee. But I completely misjudged it!

I thought they were closer than they actually were. It thus became very awkward as it was too late for me to stop holding the door, and they then felt obliged to commit to a jog to close the gap to the door. Given how committed we had both become in the moment, we then had to double down with some small talk as I tried to apologize.

Then, as I sat with my morning coffee, I decided to observe my crime scene. I suddenly wanted to see how others dealt with that closing door in the time it took me to finish my drink.

Top drawer research

I assumed that it was the norm for people to check if someone is behind them as they pass through a closing door — a simple glance over the shoulder to see if the door needs a little nudge to keep it open, followed by some form of acknowledgement in the form of a little smile or “thank you”.

My assumption could not have been more wrong.

74 students came through that door in the 16 minutes it took me to drink my coffee:

3 (4%) students looked behind them to see if anyone was behind them.
There were 26 (35%) occasions where looking back could have led to the door being nudged for the person behind them.
0 of those 26 students looked particularly bothered.
And 0 students look particularly hurried.

I am well aware that my morning research has as much chance of standing up to my colleagues’ scrutiny as in some research journal. However, how could my assumptions be so far off? If it matters to me (and it must do a little bit else I would be writing about), then why am I just noticing it?

I don’t want to go down a rabbit hole here on some chivalry nonsense. But somewhere along the line, I must have come to value the warmth and friendliness communicated through someone glancing back and holding a door for me. Not only that, but a closing door can also be dangerous, right?

So, what am I missing? Our students are (almost always) incredibly respectful and thoughtful in everything they do. It would be ridiculous for me to over-weigh the whole door thing and form a view to the contrary. There may be some cultural thing at play here. Or it may only matter to me. Or a bit of both.

Down the rabbit hole

OK.. I’m going down the rabbit hole a little bit.

I finally passed my driving test on my 4th time trying. I still debate two of my failures, but the third was because I failed to check my mirrors before pulling away and nearly causing a crash with the car coming up behind me. This may be where my heightened sense of checking my mirrors has come from.

Or it could come from my time serving in the Army, where I was drilled to continuously “check my 5s and 20s” until it became second nature when out on patrol. This drill constantly involved checking my 5-metre radius and then my 20-metre radius so that I maintained a complete idea of my immediate surroundings. Perhaps this habit of looking up and around has more to do with this than anything else. Or not!

Back up for air

What am I going to do with my (fickle) research? There may have been a time when I went further down the rabbit hole, making judgements. Nowadays, things like this make me very curious.

I believe checking behind me as I move through a closing door is courteous for many reasons. However, I also acknowledge that these are my values in a particular context. But I do not work or live in a mono-culture, certainly not in my school. So it’s OK that I like to do this thing, and it’s also OK that others do not give it a second thought.

That said, our school is a community where we want everyone to feel that they belong. We share that this can be best achieved when people feel seen and noticed, and we are continuously working hard to find ways to help people make connections in our diverse community.

Indeed, we ask teachers to think deeply about how they see each student in their classes to ensure they feel noticed. We talk about standing at the door to greet them, making eye contact, or saying each student’s name at least once per lesson. All of these little things help with community building and connection.

So here’s the thing. I don’t want to ask people to look behind them because it makes me happy. I want people to check their mirrors when going through the door because it’s another opportunity to connect and see people in our community. It is another moment, however fleeting, to notice another, to help remind them (consciously or unconsciously) that they belong here.

And all you have to do is check your mirrors. How hard can that be?!!