Why You Need to Be Unfair to Yourself

Because I’m selfish, I’m likely to unconsciously favor myself even when I’m trying to be fair

In my city, there’s one particular on-ramp to the expressway where two lanes merge into one. I can’t count the number of times I’ve approached that merge point in the left lane, just about even with a car in the right lane. One of us was going to get into that single merged lane ahead of the other — and I was determined it was going to be me!

In fact, I developed a technique for this. When I reached the point where the lanes merge, if I was ahead — even by just by a nose — I would ignore the other driver and push the accelerator to the floor. At that point he (and it’s always been a he) had to either deliberately run into my car, or back off. And, so far, they’ve always backed off, although I’ve many times seen them in the rear view mirror mouthing words and making gestures I would never repeat.

If my description of this oft-repeated scene makes it seem like I enjoy beating out other drivers this way, I have to plead guilty. I always have a little feeling of triumph when the other guy has to fall in line behind rather than ahead of me.

I know it isn’t right, and I’ve made the commitment to stop acting that way. In fact, I haven’t done it for a long time now. But that little feeling of joy that comes from me getting ahead of another person shows something very revealing about me.

I am a selfish person!

As much as I’d like to deny it (and I would), it’s simply a fact. I’m selfish. I was born selfish — but then, so were you. My only consolation about the discovery of my own selfishness is that it’s not unique to me. It is, in fact, part of the human condition. It’s a trait we all share from birth.

The problem is that, as a Christian, I know very well that selfishness and a me-first attitude are the very opposite of what God wants me to display in my life.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3, NIV)

In the Greek of the New Testament, the word translated “selfish ambition” is eritheia, which combines the ideas of being ambitious for selfish ends and pursuing those ambitions with strife or contention.

In other words, it’s racing to get ahead of another driver just to have the pleasure of beating him out.

What are we supposed to do about our inborn selfishness?

How easy it is to fall into selfish ambition! We naturally see things from the perspective of how we ourselves are affected, and of course we desire the best for ourselves. From there it can be a pretty short step to putting a priority on what would seem to gratify our own desires. And woe to the person who gets in the way of us getting what we consider to be our just due! To our minds, the resulting contention and strife are obviously entirely the result of the other person’s ignorance, stubbornness, and selfishness.

The Bible warns us that we must be vigilant about the selfishness that is inherent in fallen human nature, but which we so often fail to recognize in ourselves. I think that, for many of us, the issue is not so much that we intend to act out of ambition or conceit, but that they are so ingrained in the way we see the world we don’t recognize them for what they are even when they have us completely in their grip.

Even when I’m trying to be even-handed, it’s far too easy to end up favoring myself.

I remember when a friend asked me to help out on his broadcast at a Christian radio station. We were going to mostly play music, with a little scriptural commentary mixed in. My friend was an aficionado of Southern Gospel music, while I liked Black Gospel. We decided to divide our playlist between the two.

I was feeling magnanimous that evening, so I programmed several songs I liked but that I thought the lovers of Southern Gospel in our audience would enjoy as well. In the back of my mind, I expected my friend to recognize that I was going out of my way to be more than fair. I certainly didn’t expect him to count those songs as part of my Black Gospel quota! But that’s exactly what he did. What I thought was fair and even handed, he saw as actually favoring myself — which it did.

So many times when I’ve thought I was being perfectly fair and just in my dealings with someone, it’s seemed to them that I was actually favoring my own interests. And usually they’re right! The fact is, if I act on the basis of what I think is an even balance of my interests with the other person’s, I’m likely to unconsciously tilt toward myself.

It’s not enough to try to be fair!

I believe the apostle Paul understood this very well, and that’s why he didn’t stop with “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.” He knew that to overcome the inherent bias we have toward ourselves, we have to go beyond trying to be even-handed, and instead must consciously and deliberately put the other person ahead of ourselves. It’s not about being fair; it’s about being deliberately unfair, but to the other person’s benefit rather than our own.

It’s not about being fair; it’s about being deliberately unfair — to myself.

So, when George and I arrive simultaneously at the dessert table during a church fellowship, and there’s only one piece of that wonderful lemon meringue pie left, who gets it? Well, if I’m being obedient, I’ll put George ahead of myself. And he, being as obedient as I, will want me to go ahead of him. But while I’m insisting that George take that piece of pie, and he’s insisting that I should have it, Mary comes up and grabs it!

Wait a minute — that’s not fair!

Right.

But think about it: now three people, and not just one, will enjoy that piece of pie. I think that’s a great outcome.

So, let’s overcome our natural selfishness by being deliberately unfair to ourselves in order to bless someone else.

This story is published in Koinonia — stories by Christians to encourage, entertain, and empower you in your faith, food, fitness, family, and fun.

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