Summary

The article "Why You Might Want to Be a Sex Addict*" humorously explores the potential benefits and drawbacks of being a sex addict, ultimately cautioning against the serious risks associated with the addiction.

Abstract

The satirical piece begins by acknowledging the common perception that sex addicts engage in frequent sexual activity, which can be beneficial for health due to hormonal releases that improve physical well-being. It contrasts sex addiction with less appealing addictions like tobacco, noting that sex addiction is inherently linked to human nature and does not require purchasing external substances. The article also humorously suggests that sex can be a calorie-burning activity and might even present financial opportunities for those skilled in the art of love. However, the author provides a sobering reminder that sex addiction, like any other substance abuse, can lead to detrimental effects on personal relationships, mental and physical health, and can even be life-threatening. The piece concludes with an apology for any offense caused and encourages readers to seek information from legitimate sources on sex addiction.

Opinions

Sex addiction is presented as a "sexy addiction" compared to tobacco addiction, which is described as unattractive and undesirable.
The author believes that sex, as an activity, is inherently enjoyable and beneficial, contributing to physical health by lubricating joints and ligaments and releasing beneficial hormones.
The article satirically suggests that sex addiction could be financially beneficial, although it acknowledges the potential for high expenses related to enhancing the sexual experience.
The author humorously criticizes vaping as lacking the substance and gravity of real kissing, implying that it is an inadequate substitute for traditional smoking or sex.
A cautionary tone is adopted when discussing the serious consequences of sex addiction, including the potential for ruining relationships, compromising mental and physical health, and the ethical implications of using people as objects for pleasure.
The piece is self-aware, with the author acknowledging their learning process in writing satire and inviting feedback from readers.

Sexy Satire

Why You Might Want to Be a Sex Addict*

And then again, why you might not

Before I tell you how to become a sex addict, I figure it would be helpful to know why you might want to be a sex addict. If not, how could I expect you to even read about it?

First and most obvious, sex addicts have a lot of sex.

And sex is very good for us…it lubricates not only our erogenous parts, which is handy, but certain hormones get released that lubricate joints and ligaments as well. When you’re young, that may not be any big deal. But when you’re my age, well, let me tell you…

Secondly, it’s a sexy addiction. Unlike tobacco.

Have you ever kissed someone with heavy smoker’s breath? It’s like kissing the bottom of an ash tray. Ugh! So nicotine addiction, while a serious addiction, and a hard one to break, is not sexy.

Nowadays they have vaping. I’ve never kissed a vaper, so I couldn’t say. But it sounds like kissing a puff of smoke. Not very substantial.

And if you’re gonna kiss, you want it to be substantial. If there’s no tongue action, what’s the point? That’s how the nerves are wired. Vapor doesn’t have enough gravity to ignite those synaptic gaps. Sorry, vapers, you’re SOL in my book.

Thirdly, it burns calories.

This is a huge plus. Not all addictions can make this claim. Chocolate for example. It’s a pretty sexy addiction, but it does pack a lot of calories.

Though I have heard that dark chocolate has a lot of anti-oxidants and is good for you. It’s also got that chemical in it that mimics the neurotransmitters that activate in our brains when we fall in love.

So if you’re looking for an addiction compatible with being a sex addict, this might be the one. A few notches up from compulsive flossing. The teeth cleaning I mean, not the dance.

Fourth, there’s not a lot of overhead.

You don’t have to buy a substance when you are the substance.

Of course you can spend money. We live in a consumer crazed capitalistic society so of course you can spend money.

Let me count the ways: fancy lingerie, lotions and potions, toys, rendezvous spots, expensive red sports cars, exotic vacations, and then of course, fetishes are extra, and too numerous to list out here.

But the raw ingredients usually come with the basic human package. Frills are extra. For the non sex addict, those thrills may be key to one’s enjoyment. A little music, a little dancing, candle light romancing, and otherwise enhancing…

But once you graduate to addict, you can dispense with all those refinements and get right down to brass tacks. Ouch! Poor choice of metaphor. Even an addict would rather not do it on brass tacks. Unless that’s their thing, but it sure ain’t mine so I can’t comment on that.

Fifth, if you’re good, you might be able to make a little money.

Now granted there are no guarantees on this.

It’s like writing for MuddyUm. It’s not a given. First you have to get it up to daily writing and for some of us, with jobs, family, kids, and other responsibilities, that may not be feasible. Or desirable.

And then there’s the whole bugaboo of marketing. Writing’s the fun side compared to marketing.

Well that’s true with sex, too. Not to mention the sale is considered illegal in most states. The giving away for free is not, but the sales part is. That makes marketing a real drag.

A final caveat…

So when you think about it, and when you’re a sex addict, you can’t stop thinking about it and it takes over your life, ruins your healthy relationships, messes up your mind, body and spirit, not to mention eats into quality time, and given some of the side effects, can be life-threatening, you may want to think twice.

I know I sure did. All kidding aside, it’s as potentially dangerous as other kinds of substances. And that’s not even factoring in the ethics of using other people as objects for pleasure.

Let me apologize if anyone’s offended. That’s not my intention.

But if this has piqued your interest in learning more about a serious affliction as well as having a few laughs, then my purpose is served.

If you find this in horribly poor taste, let me know. I’m still learning the satirical ropes, and might have one just long enough to hang myself with. So please hang in here with me, and we’ll figure this out together.

*Thsi story was inspired by a post from Adam, Diabetic Cyborg. For real bona fide info about sex addiction and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, click here. And here.

Marilyn Flower is a sacred fool who writes fiction, poetry, and blogs, inspired by the practice of SoulCollage®. Her books: Developing Characters: Fun Ways to Cast Your Fiction, Creative Blogging, Bucket Listers. Follow her Sacred Foolishness or SoulCollage® for Writers, and Stay in touch!