Why You Might Not Be Your True Self Around Others
Psychology explains how the people and environment we choose determine our personalities.
As much as we hate to admit it, humans are easily influenced.
Whether we like it or not, the people closest to us (social network) and the environment (social situation) we’re in will affect us in different ways.
- Our decisions
- Our self-esteem
- Our way of thinking
- Our lifestyle choices
- Our behaviors and reactions
Surely you’ve heard of this famous quote?
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
— Jim Rohn
Well, I don’t know how accurate that is considering I spend most of my time with only one other person — aka my partner who’s been living with me for a few months now.
But recently, I’ve been noticing how his presence has changed many aspects of my life — both good and unfavorable — and it got me thinking about the power of social influence.
The influence on shaping someone’s thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs.
How it can be either empowering or dangerous, depending on who or what the influence is.
We’ll explore:
- Influence of social network
- Influence of social situations
- Why we should be cautious
- How to take control and overcome the negative influence
Influence of Social Networks
Imagine this:
Your mind is like a kitchen filled with various ingredients, and the people you surround yourself with are the chefs who season your thoughts and spice up your actions.
Your unique blend of beliefs, values, and quirks is the base of your thought soup. Think of it as your signature ingredient. Like salt, a pinch can enhance the flavor, but too much can ruin the dish.
The right blend of people can transform your life into a gourmet experience, but the wrong ones will have you wishing you never added them to it.
1. Belief alignment
Your inner circle often shares your core beliefs, values, and aspirations.
When you’re surrounded by people who hold similar values, it reinforces your own convictions. On the other hand, when their values are different, you may start to reevaluate your beliefs and question your values.
Naturally, this can affect your self-esteem if you start doubting yourself.
2. Peer pressure
We’ve all experienced the subtle (or not-so-subtle) influence of peer pressure.
Your friends and close companions can encourage you to conform to social norms or engage in certain behaviors. If your best friends are thrill-seekers, you might find yourself bungee jumping off cliffs even if you’re terrified of heights because of FOMO (fear of missing out).
The desire to belong and share common experiences can be stronger than you’d like to admit.
3. Infectious attitudes
Emotions are highly contagious.
When you’re around someone who’s joyful, their happiness can rub off on you. Similarly, if you’re surrounded by negative or stressed individuals, their emotions can affect your mood.
Have you ever caught yourself gossiping more than usual because you’re having dinner with Gossiping Grace? Perhaps your humor’s been more sarcastic since you met Salty Sam? Or maybe you find yourself trying out new things more often ever since you started dating Adventurous Anne.
The moods of those around you can infect your emotional state.
4. Learning and Adaptation
We learn from our surroundings, and our inner circle serves as our primary source of learning.
Growing up, I only knew of a handful of career choices because the majority of my family members were doctors, engineers or business people. Before I knew it, I was on the path to becoming a doctor until I started to think more independently.
Whether it’s acquiring new skills, adapting to different lifestyles, or picking up habits, your closest friends and family often play a significant role in your education of life.
5. Accountability
Ever notice how birds of a feather flock together? This saying isn’t just for our avian friends.
People with similar interests and values tend to gravitate towards one another.
If you surround yourself with folks who value fitness, you’re more likely to find yourself jogging in the park. At the same time, if your inner circle values honesty and integrity, you’ll feel compelled to uphold these virtues.
It’s like having a safety net that keeps you in check.
Influence of Social Situations
In 1971, Dr. Philip Zimbardo conducted what is now a famous psychological social experiment called the “Stanford Prison Experiment”.
The setting was unusual.
It was held in a makeshift prison in the basement of a college campus.
He gathered a group of college students to role-play as prisoners and prison guards. These participants displayed psychological normalcy and had no prior criminal backgrounds.
Their fate was determined by a simple coin toss, which assigned half of them the roles of “prisoners” and the other half as “prison guards.”
Initially, everyone found themselves in a bewildering situation and acted awkwardly. The entire setup was so alien to their sense of self and previous life experience that it was almost comical.
But this quickly took a dark and unexpected turn.
As time passed, their new roles began to overshadow their real identities.
The prisoners started to act like real prisoners. They started staging minor rebellions, snitched on each other, went on hunger strikes, and even experienced psychological breakdowns.
Meanwhile, the prison guards embraced their sense of authority. They went so far as to impose psychological punishments, devised solitary confinement cells, created conflicts among the prisoners, and gave stern speeches while pacing the hallways and ominously tapping their batons against the cell doors.
This all happened despite them being able to return to their regular lives after their eight-hour shifts.
Eventually, the situation spiraled out of control and the experiment shortened from its planned two-week duration to shutting down after only six days.
It’s unsettling to think that if the coin had landed differently, the individual participants would have merely swapped positions, but the roles they played would have remained identical.
Why we should be cautious
The people and places we spend the most time with shape who we are.
They determine what conversations dominate our attention and which attitudes and behaviors we are regularly exposed to.
Eventually, we start to think like they think and behave like they behave.
While the setting of the Stanford Prison Experiment is dramatic and albeit not likely to ever occur in our lives, it illustrates how easily ordinary people can be transformed into wrongdoers, and how mentally healthy people can start experiencing unusual behaviors all from the influence of their situations.
To that end, it’s incredibly important that we are extra careful with the choices we make about the environment we put ourselves in.
However, although social influence is often unsuspecting, we can learn to be intentional and use the power of social influence to our advantage.
How to Take Control and Overcome Negative Influence
Overcoming social influence from people and your environment can be challenging, but it’s essential for personal growth and maintaining your individuality.
Self-awareness
The first step is to understand your own values, beliefs, and goals.
Know what matters most to you and what you stand for.
When you have a clear sense of self, it becomes easier to recognize when external influences are conflict with your core principles.
Evaluate your current circle and environment
- Who do you spend most of your time with? And where?
- Are they helping you grow, or are they holding you back?
- Do they share your values and goals?
- How do you feel when you are around them?
Take note of which inspires and encourages you to be your best self.
A supportive inner circle can counterbalance negative external influences.
Be harshly selective.
Seek diverse perspectives
Engage with people from various backgrounds and with different perspectives.
Exposure to diverse viewpoints can broaden your horizons and make you more resistant to the influence of any one group.
Learn to say no
Don’t be afraid to say no when something goes against your values or priorities.
If you’re a chronic people-pleaser and this is something you struggle with, you already know that you’re overthinking it and that no one will remember that you disagreed in the first place.
Practice your assertiveness.
It will help you maintain control over your life and avoid succumbing to unwanted influence.
Final Thoughts
“Tell me what you pay attention to and I will tell you who you are”
– José Ortega y Gasset
Humans are social and it’s okay to be influenced by others to some extent.
And while you can’t always control the who’s and where’s, you can control yourself.
By being mindful and selective of the kind of influence you welcome into your life, you can ensure that it’ll align with your authentic self and support your personal growth, rather than hinder it.
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And don’t forget to follow me, Larissa Lim, for more articles on self-improvement, psychology, and more.
