Why You Can’t Be Honestly and Kindly Ignorant

Have you noticed that when you attempt to ignore someone or something, these people, things, events, and memories seem to stick around? I experienced that at the first parents’ meeting at my son’s school in Fall 2016.

I was very much looking forward to this event. For two reasons. First, I had never been at a parents’ and teachers’ meeting at a school before, and as a kid, I had always wondered what was happening there. All the accounts by my parents, my elder sister (who after our father’s death attended the meetings instead of him), and movies, all the many kinds of possible and impossible scenarios they displayed couldn’t replace the wish to experience them for myself. The parents’ evenings in kindergarten didn’t count, either. It simply had to be a first-hand experience at a school.

The second reason was that I was curious to see how they happened nowadays and especially in a country so different from the one I grew up in.

So even the planned two-and-a-half-hour duration couldn’t stop my happy anticipation of the event. I volunteered to go and was very curious about it.

When I arrived, I saw many other parents gathering. Some of them also had older children in that school and knew the teachers and each other. Others were as new as I was.

I noticed that some of the parents seemed not too keen on being there. Or at least they weren’t that merry or smiling. Well, we all have our stories and ‘fights’ inside us. So, who knows why they aren’t smiling, I thought.

I decided to ignore them and concentrate on my positive anticipation, no matter who was smiling or not, no matter how many prejudices I had heard about parents’ evenings, especially the lengthy ones — I’d been told that two and a half hours for a parents’ meeting was way too long! So, I waited for the meeting to begin, watched the teachers, and tried to ignore the other parents.

At some point, I noticed that I wasn’t smiling anymore, that I had a frown above my eyes and anxious thoughts filling my mind. What if Niklas has done something wrong and they are going to speak about this today? In front of all other parents?! What if he was not coping with the school very well? What if the way we are educating him at home is wrong?

These thoughts rushed in, even though the reality of how I had experienced my son since he started school was completely different. His posture had changed, his attitude also. He was helping more and more at home, had become calmer and positively thoughtful. He loved speaking of what he learned at school, looked forward to the next day, and even asked me to let him stay longer at school after hours.

So why was I having those thoughts?

I didn’t manage to answer that question in my head because I suddenly let myself observe the way those worrisome thoughts made me feel.

Then it dawned on me. That was how the frowning parents felt! They might not have had the exact same thoughts that I had, but those tightening arms of worry were most likely squeezing them in the same manner that they were squeezing me — fear, or at least anxiety, of what might come out at this meeting.

As I embraced this observation, instead of ignoring and rejecting it, I found my frown disappearing and started smiling again. But with a different kind of smile than before.

I found myself looking into other parents’ eyes. And…they smiled back at me.

That was an amazing discovery. There and then, I understood that the same experience applied to all areas of my life, including writing.

When I tried to ignore my desire to write a book, the thoughts of it and of a specific story, that of my father, kept coming back. This battle inside my head was anything but pleasant. But everything changed as soon as I surrendered and embraced the idea of putting my dad’s story into words.

Now, I practice embracing what comes my way more and more often. I can’t stop being surprised and awed by how rich these experiences are.

Ignorance does not protect us from unwanted things. Disregarding people and events calling for our attention won’t help because we are never isolated, not even when we are alone and feel lonely.

There are, of course, people, actions, and events that sometimes deserve to be said “No” to or deliberately “ignored,” including anyone or anything biased towards aggression. Because attackers and aggressors gain their energy and power from attention.

But if anyone or anything stirs something up inside us, then ignorance about how we and others feel will only hurt us and make us suffer more. The same way that ignoring a traffic sign can be fatal, ignoring a feeling generated by the world around us can make our lives poorer and more agonizing.

I learned from Ariel and Shya Kane and their inspiring ideas on awareness and living in the moment, that the most enjoyable way to live life is to allow ourselves and others to:

• be the way we all are at any given moment,
• be present with mind and body in this given moment,
• see what is there to do without ignorance, judgment (acknowledging that ignorance is a form of judgment), evaluation, or any other bias,
• and do it.

From Cheerleading for Writers: Discover How Truly Talented You Are.

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P.S. I wrote and published Cheerleading for Writers in 2017, long before the current turbulent times and events. The truth of the discovery of how damaging ignorance can be for us and not only for those we ignore is even more visible to me today than ever. I’d love to read your thoughts on that.

— Victoria

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About the author:

Victoria is a writer, instructor, and consultant with a background in semiconductor physics, electronic engineering (with a Ph.D.), information technology, and business development. While being a non-gamer, Victoria came up with the term Self-Gamification, a gameful and playful self-help approach bringing anthropology, kaizen, and gamification-based methods together to increase the quality of life. She approaches all areas of her life this way. Due to the fun she has, while turning everything in her life into games, she intends never to stop designing and playing them.