Why You Are Attracted to the Wrong Type

Where there’s angels, there are demons

It’s a common question many people ask potential partners — What’s your type?

Let’s start with the wrong answer: “I don’t have a type.”

Some people don’t know their type, or they think it is one of those trap questions. Like when you asked your ex-boyfriend if the baby doll dress you were wearing made you look like a pregnant cougar. (I so wish that was not a personal reference.)

It’s not a trap question. Here is the right answer: Everyone has a type. Actually, you can have many types, but it often can be narrowed down to two main types.

I call these types your angels and demons.

I know my demon type so well that I need to give him a leading role in the novel I never seem to finish. He’s smart, foreign, lacks body hair, yells a lot, but loves passionately, communicates in grunts and sighs, and never does what I ask him. (This description also fits a badly behaved Mexican hairless dog, so there is hope for me yet.)

Every time I have fallen for my demon type, it leads to the same ending — a watered-down version of myself. My demon type is my roadblock.

I also have an angel type. He’s smart but not snobbish, listens to old people at weddings just to hear their stories, and teaches me life skills like how to change a tire or start a fire with a tortilla chip. He smells like hay (horses are my spirit animal), tolerates my obsession with infectious diseases (I am sorry…but syphilis is fascinating), and supports my writing and art career. He is my muse.

Every time I have fallen for my angel type, it too may come to an end, but I have become a stronger, purer version of myself.

My angel type is my guide.

Why we don’t fall for the nice guy/girl

You might have experienced the following scenario; You go on a date (maybe a few) with an objectively attractive, intelligent, kind, seemingly good-on-paper person. They laugh at all your jokes, share your political leanings, and quote from The Office like they are delivering a Shakespearean soliloquy. Your time together with them is effortless and uncomplicated.

Yet, it feels a little too easy. You leave each date more and more confused. And then you say those dreaded words that close the door on any future together with a deafening slam, “We just don’t have any chemistry.”

In his controversial 2016 New York Times article, Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person, philosopher Alain de Botton framed the thorny problem behind Mr/Mrs. Perfect as this:

What we desire as chemistry is actually familiarity.

De Botton theorized:

“We are looking to recreate, within our adult relationships, the feelings we knew so well in childhood. The love most of us will have tasted early on was often confused with other, more destructive dynamics…”

Most people describe chemistry as that feeling of connectedness with someone who makes you feel all tingly inside. But as your brain is firing up that heady cocktail of neurotransmitters, you may be iron fillings to this person’s magnet simply because they remind you of a past toxic relationship.

Maybe when your partner turns cold in an argument, it reminds you of a parent with an avoidance attachment style. Or perhaps you are attracted to abusive relationships because they allow you to relive a past abusive relationship that you never got closure on.

Our memories of love can be so bound up in pain that the pain becomes our familiar. The familiar “chemistry” that we sometimes equate with love.

You are drawn to these demon types because you know you can love them in the same way you know gasoline is flammable. You know you can love this person because you have loved them before. They are familiar.

Your demon type

People make endless lists of their ideal partners, but it is also necessary to make another list — your unhealthy list.

Make a list of traits describing your demon type, and then also identify who in your past had those damaging traits. These are the tricky traits that always seem to trip you up, but you are drawn to them anyway because they remind you of past loves. Those people are at the root of why you choose the wrong type.

Your demon type is far more seductive than your angel type. But knowing your demon type will make you less likely to regurgitate your past relationship mistakes into your current one, like a dog eating its own vomit.

Your angel type

Next, make a list describing your angel type and also who in your past had those traits. You are also attracted to people who remind you of the love and support you felt as a child.

These angel types cherish your dreams and goals. They love you in big and small ways, making them irresistibly sexy. It could be the person’s silver-bell laughter reminds you of an ex’s infectious laugh. Or maybe the person always smells of lavender like your mom did when she hugged you. Maybe the person cooks your favorite meal or fixes that wobbly doorknob and those small gestures make you feel safe and protected, like the moments your dad made you feel safe and protected.

These people bring out the dependable, sexy, intelligent version of yourself.

The best way to avoid our demon type is to know our demons and keep them on a short leash.

Your better angels

Of course, your partner is never going to be an angel all the time. Most people are a mix of good and bad traits.

But as the saying goes…. it’s the devil you don’t know that should be feared. The best way to avoid our demon type is to know our demons and keep them on a short leash.

Do you have a pattern of being attracted to drama queens because a narcissistic parent created drama? Then, when you see your partner throw a tantrum in a restaurant over something frivolous…red flag it. Or maybe your bête noire is an overly critical, manipulative man? (Guilty) Understand that when fights become ugly with Mr. Soul Crusher, you might be trying to rekindle the firestorms you lit with a past relationship.

Your patterns are your stories. Those stories are filled with heroes and villains. Saints and sinners. Demons and angels. You may want to cast that story with the people who fit the script you have already written in your mind. But while the devil perched on your shoulder might have his pitchfork aimed at your heart, you can choose to let the angel prevail.

Carlyn Beccia is an award-winning author and illustrator of 13 books.

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