SELF

Why Would I Need More Money?

The goal is not a comfortable life but a creative one.

Having money has its upsides: freedom, social status, and financial stability. Now, wanting all of that, I still have to say that money is not the first on my priority list.

But let’s play with that thought hypothetically.

Let’s say I get a good job that I know I’d be capable of doing, and I’d make more money. I’d be able to afford fancier vacations, expensive clothes, elegant restaurants, and yes, even to have a child with someone.

I could move out of the apartment that I share with an asshole flatmate. I could be closer to my workplace hence I’d possibly have more free time. My life would turn for the better. It sounds great, doesn’t it? Change is beneficial. That’s what generates self-growth and improves social flexibility. New environment, new people, new desk.

I’ve changed jobs a dozen times in 7 years. After a while, I got tired of it. Once I reached that state, self-doubting began. “Did I really grow? Did I make a step forward towards something that I truly care about, something that I want for myself?”

Okay, here it is:

I think that giving up on your dreams to make more money with a better-paying job leads to an unhappy life.

I know, it’s not the first time you’ve heard it and won’t be the last. Sometimes it works out just fine. Some people don’t know what they want. They experiment — and they should — to find something that interests them. Many of us have absolutely no clue what we really want to do with our lives.

“I want to do something artistic.” “Be my own boss.” “Have a business.”

Those are fragments of idealistic fantasies — there is no specificity in them. Zero point zero. Experiment! Establish your interest. Try new things, see if you like them. Find something as a starting point and work with that. In life you’ll go to a hundred different directions. You keep exploring and won’t stop until you say I got it. This is it.

However, after 12 jobs in 7 years I’m still sitting here typing these lines. I hadn’t found what I was seeking in those jobs. But now I know, I want to write. It took me ages through several paths, countries, professions. I started writing in my first language. Poems, reviews, short stories, articles, novels, screenplays. Then I realized I can’t make a living out of it. “Write in English, dummy!”

But that’s a different language, different grammar, different audience.

I tried, and I wanted results, quick. We all want them. You put enough effort, energy, and work into something, you want results. It’s only natural. You won’t get it first. It’s only natural, too. Then you take it more seriously, put more craft, persistence, determination, and a piece of yourself into it every time. Still no results.

You keep going, but now you start to hear them. The voices, born from self-doubt, fear, and desperation. They make you question yourself: “Am I good enough? Can I do this? SHOULD I do this?”

“Wait, let me have some backup. Just in case. Who knows what happens?”

Then you start to get comfortable. You get to be introduced to your new friends: Tomorrow and Weekend. They’re good to you, and they don’t disturb you. You enjoy their company because it’s safe, relaxed, chill.

Your once “real dream” turns into a side project, a second job, a hobby. “I will make it”, you say, “someday.” The process is slow, anyway. You don’t get to be a bestseller author or a professional tennis player in 3 months. Give it time! It’ll come, give it time.

And time comes and storms pass by you and your new friends, Tomorrow and Weekend. They embrace time, absorb it, that’s what they live for because they know that they’ll be here forever. It’s constant for them, it’s only lethal for you. You’re aware of that but ignore it. No worries, no doubts, no fights.

Your hair’s getting grey. You change less and less because it’s a pain in the ass. Yesterday you were 30, and tomorrow you wake up to realize that 5 years have gone by. You only feel it in your bones because time is deceptive. Like a magician, tricks you every day. You don’t feel growth because it never happened, not in your mind, not in your body.

“But getting a more profitable job would make me happy.”

For a while, that’s for sure. You’d have more opportunities, so, ultimately, it’d lead to a somewhat better life, you think.

But… that’s not my dream.

My goal is not to have a simpler and more convenient life. My dream is to struggle through the dirt and make it as a screenwriter/writer. I don’t care about money in that aspect.

Hard work should bring success, and success should bring money, ideally. But first, I’d have to get there, and I think, that’s the reason keeping me from getting a money-oriented job that I wouldn’t want.

Why would I? I like the fight, being an underdog. When the underdog wins that’s unpredictable. People don’t know you and they treat you accordingly. Once you show them what you are capable of, their minds will be blown.

I’m not here just for potential success. I need to prove to myself that I can pull it off. I know it’s extremely difficult, and I’ll have to work a hundred times harder because what I’m doing now isn’t nearly enough.

But if I had to name one thing worth living for, that would be IT.

Storytelling. Films, TV shows, and books had opened up my mind, saved my life in the lowest moments. How could it be anything else that I want? Why would I need more money to live a comfortable life if I could create all those things? Open someone else’s mind and help them in their lowest moments. And the beauty of it is, I’d do it out of passion. Because it’s bigger than anything else in this dull and bleak life.

Yeah, love is great, the same goes for family, having nice stuff and a lot of dough. However, that’s incomparable to creating relatable, emotional stories and characters. It’s so unimaginably complex that I can’t even begin to describe it precisely. I’m not even sure if I’ll be capable of achieving it.

But I really fucking want to.

It’s an infinite mental and emotional battle, but I’m up for it. It might take my whole life to sharpen it, but what else is there as an alternative? There is nothing else I enjoy that much. Tough luck, dude.

It might nearly be impossible…

…but I have to try.

If you liked what you’ve read and want more bits and pieces of daily motivation crumbs, you should read this one, too:

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