HUMAN BEHAVIOUR

Why Would Anyone Video an Adult Temper Tantrum?

Perhaps as proof that it actually happened?

Strange the variety of subject matter that catches my eye as I browse the online news every morning. How to start indoor rock climbing, someone killed a deer in their bathroom, ten ways ‘wokeism’ is screwing up everything.

I could live happily without knowing more, but a headline from Business Insider about viral videos of people recording their partner's angry meltdowns intrigued me. Probably because I’m somewhat familiar with the angry meltdowns of a previous partner.

I wrote last year about living through an unforgettable period of volatility.

I’d watch in shock as my husband exploded in uncontrolled and disproportionate rage.

If I’d confessed to a steamy affair with the next-door neighbour, his anger could not have been more explosive than it was the day I told him to turn left instead of right. Or when I bought the wrong brand of marmalade at the supermarket or overcooked a pizza. Listening to him bellow, I once thought I should have just had the affair.

At no time did I ever feel physically threatened or in danger — it was just the verbal volatility that I found so alarming. That and the triviality of whatever set it off.

And god forbid that I’d offer a political opinion that didn’t closely match his own. “You don’t understand.” “ You’re missing the point.” “You just want to argue, that’s all you ever want.” Any attempt at discussion invariably ended with his teeth bared in apoplectic fury and me walking out. Or sulking, as he often put it. It took a long time to learn it was better to just keep my opinions — on almost anything, especially politics — to myself, difficult for someone who once enjoyed political discourse.

And as hard as it was to understand the degree of anger, it was still harder to accept that five or ten minutes later, he was all smiles and good humour.

Since it wasn’t a happy time in my life — certainly not one I’d want to relive through videos — I wanted to know why anyone forced to witness an adult tantrum would then want to record it. Surely not for entertainment.

According to the article, people are increasingly documenting relationship abuse for reasons ranging from child custody to legal issues. That makes sense, but then I thought of another, more personal reason, why videos might be of some value.

Visual proof that you’re not going absolutely bonkers.

Honestly, I often felt that way. To his credit, he’d sometimes apologise, but then, within days, even hours, there’d be another angry outburst. It was an endless cycle. Sometimes, he’d deny it ever happened. Or, if he did remember the reason for his fist-clenching fury, it was all the fault of — guess who? Me, of course. I’d overreacted, deliberately provoked him, and wound him up. If I’d behaved better, he wouldn’t have had to scream.

And there were times I’d wonder if he had a point. Had I overreacted, or made a thoughtless or sarcastic comment? It’s possible, probable even. Sure his response usually seemed a bit over-the-top, but maybe it was my fault. Other times though, I knew I’d done nothing to provoke his behaviour, but there he was red-faced and screaming. It truly felt crazy-making. Sometimes I could hardly believe it myself. What exactly was going on?

Gaslighting sounds like a melodramatic term, but the Business Insider explanation had a familiar ring.

Gaslighting often causes the victim to doubt themselves. Someone will do or say something abusive and then deny that it ever happened

“The victim starts questioning their instincts and relies more and more on the ‘reality’ that gets created and manipulated by the abuser. It also heightens a sense of dependency on the abuser.”

Although I honestly can’t imagine picking up my phone to record in the middle of a tempest directed at me — a video would at least have offered neutral documentation.

What a video wouldn’t do, of course, is offer much insight into what could turn an otherwise affable and easygoing man into a raging out-of-control lunatic — then within minutes, back to normal again. What triggered those fits of temper — other than me of course. And why wasn’t it apparent at the beginning of our relationship?

Even a hint of it would have sent up red flags, but there were no clues. In fact, it seemed I’d met the perfect guy — I still remember all the romantic cards and texts adorned with emoji hearts and kisses. The long introspective conversations. What happened to that sweet guy? Not that he’d entirely disappeared, just that angry guy was starting to appear more frequently. Never quite sure which one would show up, I was increasingly on guard.

We’d be out in the car — sweet guy pointing out this or that, reaching for my hand and then, boom, angry guy takes over, bellowing in rage, hands clenched on the steering wheel. Tension fills the car. Then, a few minutes later, sweet guy is back.

According to the Business Insider piece, such behaviour is often found in narcissistic individuals who typically shower a partner with affection at the very beginning of a relationship, but once the mask eventually slips, a trivial argument or casual comment quickly becomes a childlike tantrum.

“It is kind of like you would see in a kid, someone who cannot regulate their emotions, who cannot react in a way that’s appropriate for their age. They don’t really have any self-awareness of how this looks, how this might be perceived by other people.”

So would it have helped, if he’d seen a video of even one of his rage-filled outbursts? Probably not. Despite his denials and casting of blame, I think he was aware of his anger issues. As he pointed out, his angry outbursts were frequently directed at himself.

Even so, they eventually took their toll. No matter how often he professed his love for me — and he frequently did — the knowledge that within an hour he’d be in a fit of rage was corrosive to the relationship. Did I love the sweet guy who brought me coffee and kisses every morning enough to put up with the angry guy? Did I want a life of walking on eggshells, of jumping every time he raised his voice?

Clearly, he needed to seek help for his anger issues — although as long as he blamed me for much of his behaviour, he was essentially off the hook. By that reckoning, I was the one who needed to change.

And there is always fault on both sides, of course, I’m not absolving myself of all responsibility. Perhaps we were just a mismatch, the wrong combination of personalities. Whatever. My own physical and mental health was suffering. The relationship was not conducive to the quiet, stress-free life I wanted and needed.

Years later, I’m still aware of what that traumatic period cost me emotionally. Voices raised in anger, even in movies are profoundly disturbing. I don’t want verbal violence in my life.

Which I guess brings me back to the video. Even if I’d made one, I would have tossed it by now. It truly isn’t a time I want to relive.