Why Women Should Never Depend on a Romantic Partner Financially
Many divorcees and widows say it’s their biggest regret
Never rely on a man’s money, Maggie Smith writes in a recent Modern Love column.
In the article, the 46-year-old poet describes how her husband withdrew half of the couple’s savings after a big argument. He was ready to divorce her, and says that his attorney advised him to do this.
Smith was understandably shocked. But what really got to her was that she willingly and happily allowed her husband to handle their finances and she was pretty clueless about everything money related in their marriage.
“In my marriage, I had been happy to say, ‘I’m not great with this stuff,’ as I handed the financial responsibilities to my husband. I had outsourced my financial security to him, someone I trusted — and in doing that, I had disadvantaged myself. … From that day forward, I was determined to become the adult I wished I had been in my marriage, to be the C.F.O. of my own life.”
Smith’s story is a familiar one.
A new survey by financial services organization Equitable Advisors of more than 1,200 U.S. women, “Women, Money and Relationships,” finds that the end of a marriage, either through divorce or death, is the moment when most decided to finally pay more — or any — attention to their finances.
Not surprisingly, a huge percentage of divorcees and widows said they regretted that they hadn’t been more involved in financial decision-making before their marriage ended.
What was holding them back?
According to a study by UBS, in which 48% of mostly heterosexual women surveyed by the investment bank and financial services company said they had different reasons for allowing their spouse to be responsible for all the long-term financial decisions, including investing, and financial and estate planning.
Many wanted to avoid arguing, others they had “no idea where to begin,” some they thought their husband was financially savvier and — a big gulp on this one — nearly 60% said they wanted to be “taken care of.”
Who doesn’t? But at what expense?
Smith learned the hard way why ignoring family finances isn’t a wise decision. She fought to save her marriage, mostly because they had two young children, but there was another reason, too. She was afraid. As a freelance writer, how could she support herself?
“I’m ashamed to think of that woman now, the one who was so afraid, so dependent and so ignorant about her own finances. I’m ashamed to admit that for a time I tolerated dishonesty and unkindness because the alternative, the one-woman band, felt worse.”
How sad to be in that position!
Former supermodel Paulina Porizkova also learned the hard way. She and husband Ric Ocasek, frontman of the Cars, who handed all their finances, separated after 28 years of marriage and were on their way to a divorce when he suddenly died at age 75. That’s when she discovered he’d cut her out of his will, leaving her without any access to their money — even her own earnings! She was 56 and had aged out of modeling work and had no job prospects.
Having your own money gives women power. Having your own money lets women get out of bad relationships. But at the very least, being knowledgeable about one’s own finances, or at least not deferring its care entirely to someone else, is essential.
I interviewed longtime journalist Leslie Bennetts, author of the book The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?, for my chapter on finances in Not Too Old for That: How Women are Changing the Story of Aging.
Her book was a plea to women to never become financially dependent on a romantic partner. That became glaringly apparent when the Great Recession hit shortly after her book was published in 2007, and millions of men lost their jobs. It became glaringly apparent again during the pandemic, when millions of women lost or cut back on their jobs.
As Bennetts told me:
“That blueprint we give women isn’t working for us anymore, the blueprint that says one person can kind of resign from the responsibility of taking charge of her own life and hand that over to someone else, that is not a viable blueprint for the length and the challenges of the typical adult life in the 21st century. … You can’t necessarily in the long run count on anybody but yourself so you need to take responsibility for your own life, you need to plan for various eventualities, some of which may not be the ones you want, and figure out how you can survive them. Because it’s a long journey and life presents a lot of challenges if you live long enough.”
Equitable’s survey proves her point. Whether the women were married or single, divorced or widowed, an overwhelming majority said they wished they’d paid more attention to their finances much earlier.
If that isn’t enough to convince you to start paying attention to your money right now, consider this.
While doing research for my book, I discovered a study that indicated that being financially secure at midlife played a big role in shaping Boomer women’s attitude about menopause. It actually lessened whatever anxiety they may have had about losing their fertility and attractiveness as they aged.
Guess you can call it their “f*ck- you” money. You can have that, too.
My book on changing the narrative about aging as a woman, “Not Too Old For That: How Women Are Changing the Story of Aging,” was named a “Best Book of 2022” by Take the Lead. Follow me on Medium, Threads, Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram. If you want to support my work and have unlimited access to the writing of all Medium writers, please become a member here.