Why Women Like Jerks

It’s not because they’re into bad boys

“Women are attracted to jerks” is one of those statements that feels like solid common sense even though it isn’t even true.

I understand why people believe it, though, because I used to buy into it.

For one thing, it wasn’t lost on me that plenty of jerks were in steady relationships. Lots of assholes seemed to have an easy time getting laid, too.

I also kept seeing perfectly nice girls falling for the worst guys and it would baffle me. I thought maybe that’s what the whole fascination with bad boys was about.

I assumed I was the exception — women like jerks, but I’m the weirdo who just wants a sweet boy to love me.

Except I wasn’t the exception. Because now I know that women who are legitimately into assholes are vanishingly rare. They’re the ones who are the exception, not the rest of us.

But that’s not the only reason I was wrong. Because it didn’t take long for me to fall for a jerk of my own — and I fell for him hard.

That put me in a really strange place. Once I realized and accepted that he was an asshole, I couldn’t piece together why I was so into him. How could such a terrible guy win me over so completely?

Then it happened again, many years later. Except this time, I had no illusions about the guy I was involved with. I knew he was a fuckboi. I should have known better and stayed the hell away from him. But I couldn’t. Against my better judgment, I was strongly drawn to him.

Being the girl who falls for the jerk gave me a lot of things. It gave me some anguish and big emotional ups and downs. It gave me the opportunity to do a lot of soul searching. And it also gave me plenty of insights into what is really going on in these kinds of relationships.

I’ve had time to process and reflect on it. I’ve also heard from other women who’ve been in similar situations. Now I understand why women actually go after these guys, stick it out longer than they should, and try to make it work even when everyone else can see he’s not worth her time.

She Sees What No One Else Sees

The reason it’s so hard to understand why a lot of women end up dating and hooking up with assholes is that we can’t see the way their dynamic plays out behind closed doors.

From the outside, we just don’t get it. We see him being a jerk, being rude and aloof, and maybe even disrespecting her when she’s not around.

What we don’t see, though, are all of the reasons she actually fell for him.

Often, these guys are completely different when they’re with their girlfriends, on a date, or texting a girl they’re interested in.

She might be aware that he’s rude. She might be annoyed at how distant he is when they’re in public. She might hate that he keeps playing the field longer than he should.

But she also gets to see his sweet side.

He stays up late just so they can have conversations about nothing and everything.

He holds her tightly when they’re lying in bed watching a movie. He makes her feel safe when she’s in his arms.

He gets vulnerable and confesses things to her that he would never say to anyone else. You might have seen him being a dick, but she’s seen him cry.

He ignores her when his friends are around, but when they’re alone it’s like she’s the only person who matters to him.

He does those little thoughtful things that show her he’s been listening and was thinking about her.

He fucks her so lovingly that she never wants it to end.

Those are the things that count for her. That sweetness is why she fell for him and it’s why she doesn’t want to quit him.

She likes him despite the fact that he’s a jerk. She really wishes he wasn’t such an asshole. But those parts of him don’t completely outweigh the intimacy and tenderness he shows her when they’re alone.

That’s even how women talk about these guys. I’ve never heard a woman say “I love the way he goes cold on me” or “he’s insensitive but I like that in a man.”

No, women who are dating jerks tend to say things like “You don’t know what he’s really like” and “I wish people could see the way he is when we’re alone together.”

Because it’s those things that draw her in. It’s the sweetness he shows her that she can’t get enough of.

It’s also the basis of a really common trap women fall into. It turns us into saviors.

When we’re dating a jerk but see that he has a softer side, there’s a part of us that thinks we can bring it out of him. It gives us hope that he can change. If we haven’t been through enough bad relationships yet, we might even convince ourselves that he just needs to be loved and it will fix him.

We stick around longer than we should because we want to make it work and hold onto all the good stuff. We tell ourselves the bad stuff will go away if we just keep nurturing his better qualities.

That’s naive as fuck. But when you fall for someone, you get naive.

The Crumbs Look Big

If that doesn’t sound like much, it’s because it’s not. Being a decent person behind closed doors isn’t enough to sustain a long, healthy, and happy relationship.

But it can string you along for quite a while.

Sadly, it doesn’t take much to impress someone who thinks you’re a jerk. We all tend to set the bar really low for assholes.

Giving crumbs of affection, showing tiny glimpses of vulnerability, and doing something minimally thoughtful isn’t that big of a deal — unless it’s coming from someone you think is almost incapable of it. Then, it feels significant.

That’s another reason women end up being drawn to that type of guy.

Often, it’s even more powerful because he only shows those crumbs of affection to her. When she thinks she’s the only one who has access to that side of him, it can make her feel really special. It can make her feel loved. And that can be hard to resist.

That tends to happen with players and fuckbois.

He’ll parade around the women he’s fucking or casually mention the ones he fucked before (he’s also really quick to drop his number). He’ll flirt around to see if he can get more women interested in him. He likes to keep lots of options open.

Then, when he flirts with her or gives her attention, it doesn’t just feel like he’s interested in her. It feels like he’s choosing her out of all those other women.

That makes her feel special. But again, only because her expectations of him are ridiculously low.

That’s what happened with the second major jerk I was involved with. He was definitely of the fuckboi variety and seemed emotionally immature. I wasn’t sure he was even capable of being a decent guy.

But then he was. Just a tiny bit. And because my bar was set so low, it was enough. I took it as a sign that he must have genuine feelings for me.

I eventually moved on. But it took me longer than it should have. Because even though he was only giving me crumbs, they looked huge because I wasn’t expecting anything from him.

Falling for Jerks Doesn’t Mean She’s Into Jerks

There are a lot of problems with the narrative around women loving jerks or being into assholes.

As far as I can tell, it’s a myth that persists for two reasons.

One is plain old misogyny. There’s a current of people out there who are quick to dismiss women’s behavior as completely irrational, right down to shacking up with assholes.

This includes the pickup artists whose bread and butter is telling men that the key to a woman’s heart (and the ticket to getting into her panties) is verbal and emotional abuse (when they claim they’ve “discovered the secret to hacking the female mind,” that’s usually what it boils down to).

The other reason is resentment. A lot of the “women are just attracted to jerks” talk comes from Nice Guys. Those are the guys who are pissed off at the fact that being friendly and decent to women doesn’t get them laid nearly as often as they think it should.

Guys who think a woman will date and fuck them for being nice have reduced all of her attraction down to that one single factor. So when a girl doesn’t get wet for his nice guy act, he assumes it’s because she only gets hot for guys who mistreat her.

It would be one thing if all that was actually true, but it’s not. A woman who falls for a jerk doesn’t get wooed by the asshole he is with everyone else. She gets charmed by the sweetness she sees behind the scenes.

Women (and men for that matter) find people attractive for complex reasons. It’s a big mix of qualities and traits. Sometimes, an asshole just happens to have a lot of those. And occasionally, it’s enough to outweigh the fact that he’s a jerk.

At least, it does for a while. Because no one wants to put up with that shit forever — no matter how loving he is when no one else is around.

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