Why Women Find Men’s Boundaries Unacceptable Is Worrisome

Men built a culture that is turning against them. Should we be worried?

In my first real romantic relationship, I had no self-worth. My confidence was low and I often did as I was told. The guy was much older than me. So I looked up to him as a role model. He was well-groomed, spoke eloquently, treated me with respect and worshipped the ground I walked on.

I was just starting my career as a model, but I had no clue what boundaries were in my private and professional life. My ex-boyfriend became my advisor. He brought out the best in me I never knew I possessed. He encouraged me to step out of my comfort zone.

If I had friends over the night before a photoshoot, he would tell me to dismiss my friends once it’s late and get some sleep so I don’t get eye bags in the morning. When I got a job offer, I would give him the contract to review and give his opinion on how to go about the contract. To be honest, he knew how to strike a good deal and I never questioned his judgements.

As I became more successful and mature, I expected him to trust me in making decisions about my personal life. Things like what to wear, where and when to travel, how to select my friends and when to visit my family was never my decision to make. He interfered with everything I did.

We were together for about three years before I realized that he was a narcissist. I had ignored all the signs because I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to do with my life long-term. I was the obedient girlfriend who thought her man knew what was best for her. Then he started cutting off my friends and demanding I report my daily activities to him.

When I started rebelling and doing things without his approval, the mask fell off and he revealed his true identity. I was lucky to have left before the abuse got physical. The day he tried choking me to stop me from leaving was the first and last time he laid a finger on me.

However, all the emotional abuses left me with trust issues. Even to date, I flee at the first sign of emotional abuse. It can be tough to see the one person who believed in you be the same person who destroyed you.

Why Most Women Hate Men’s Boundaries

Not too long ago, Jonah Hills was cancelled for executing his boundaries during his relationship with ex-Sarah Brady. In a text message to Sarah, Jonah mentioned some of the things Sarah was doing that were affecting his reputation.

He told Sarah that if she cannot respect his boundaries they can’t be together. Jonah made it clear that he wasn’t going to marry someone who didn’t respect him or their relationship.

I’m going to assume they have had this conversation before because he said he has been vulnerable and expressed his discontent towards the lifestyles he found disrespectful and threatened their trust in each other. And as it turned out, they broke up shortly after the ultimatum. A year later, Jonah had a child with another woman.

Sarah Brady is a professional surfer instructor. Her profession puts her in precarious situations where she would often surf in a bikini, post similar images on her social media accounts and swim with men. But Jonah didn’t like that.

He didn’t like her hanging around girls in unstable relationships. He didn’t like how she swims with men and takes photos with them. He also didn’t like her being a model, taking sexy photos of herself and posting them online.

Although Jonah said he had no ill feelings towards her if doing these things makes her happy. He said he would support and respect her decision if she must keep doing these things that are against his principles. However, he will not be the man for her if she continues to live these lifestyles.

I must say Jonah was pretty mature and communicated his boundaries very well. Apparently, some people are against him for protecting his principles and sanity. Some have called Jonah an abuser, a manipulator and a masochist simply because he refused to compromise his standards.

I understand Sarah’s position. As someone who has been manipulated and emotionally abused for trusting my partner’s judgement, Sarah may have worried that Jonah’s boundaries are only the beginning of a never-ending change cycle.

He had already made her take down some of her bikini photos on Instagram and said “That was a start” in approval of Sarah’s obedience. Like we saw with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian’s marriage. We saw how Kanye controlled Kim and now he’s doing the same to his current wife Bianca.

The problem is men’s boundaries are manipulative and orchestrated to control their partner. On the other hand, women’s boundaries are focused on themselves and their well-being.

When I checked Jonah’s boundaries list, some of what he said was part of Sarah’s image as a surfer which he was aware of from the first day he DM her through her bikini photo IG post.

My issue with Jonah’s boundaries is that he knew Sarah’s profession before they started dating. He knew she was a model, that she takes sexy photos of herself all the time and had the possibility of swimming with men and women when he asked her out.

So why did he become uncomfortable with her lifestyle when he started making family plans? Did he suddenly become insecure when the reality hit the fans?

On the contrary, I don’t believe Jonah was insecure about communicating his boundaries. If anything he’s a secure man who knows how to respect and value himself and others. Because he said he respected her decision if she didn’t want to compromise her lifestyle but he wanted her to respect his principles as well. I think Jonah was merely stating reasons why they were not compatible.

However, in most cases, we assume we can change people when we start dating them. Unfortunately, some old habits die hard. People only change when they are ready to change.

I have met guys who are excessive smokers. When I asked them if they saw themselves quitting any time soon, they told me straight up “NO.” I appreciated them for their honesty and moved on. I don’t smoke and I wouldn’t put myself in a situation that endangers my health.

So smoking is one of my deal breakers. I don’t care how nice a guy is, if he smokes that’s a sign he doesn’t take his health seriously which is a no for me. I have also cut ladies off who didn’t respect my boundaries. Girls who are pushovers don’t get to be in my inner circle. If you like to get drunk and spill people’s secrets you can’t be my gee.

Our boundaries determine if we are compatible with a person or not. Boundaries are meant to protect our values and mental and physical health. They are tailored to protect the individual’s dreams and aspirations as well as the relationship. When we don’t have boundaries, we give anyone the opportunity to mess us up.

We often see men ignore women’s boundaries and we think that is normal. We see stalkers harass women at grocery stores and in the café but we turn a blind eye. Now woman feel entitled to do whatever they like in a relationship since no one cares if their boundaries are protected or not.

It’s not surprising that women assume a man having boundaries is abusive. Nowadays, the word “abuse” is synonymous with “objective opinion.” When people don’t agree with what you say, you become an abuser, a hater, a misogynist or a misandrist. No one wants to hear that their opinion is different from someone else’s.

Relationship preferences are important when choosing a partner. Most times our principles change as we become more mature. Relationships are about compromise. When you are single, there are certain things you won’t do when you are in a relationship.

If we cannot give up the singleton’s lifestyle when are in a committed partnership, then why are we in the relationship?

Some boundaries include expecting your partner to give up strip clubbing, nude dressing, late night hangouts, unhealthy communication with exes and inappropriate flirting when you are in a serious relationship. And these are healthy boundaries for a successful and stable relationship.

I think women need to accept the reality that the world doesn’t revolve around them. Men are vulnerable just like women even if they pretend they are not. Boundaries are intended to maintain a healthy space between the individuals in the relationship and to preserve everyone’s integrity.

Irrespective of our past, I think we should respect people’s boundaries. If you cannot compromise your values for someone, walk away from them. A healthy partnership should be one where the couple respects each other’s values.

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