Why Women are Afraid of their Power

Social dysfunction depends on your staying small

Life will only change when you become more committed to your dreams than you are to your comfort zone.—Billy Cox

Women are afraid of their power. They’re taught to feel less-than and stay small, to prioritize beauty and partnership as their highest goal and value. They unconsciously compete rather than cooperate— policing each other, first and foremost, through socialized standards of sexual behavior.

These behaviors are unconscious, part of the wounding of mothers passed onto daughters from one generation to the next. It’s because these qualities are implicitly learned that makes them so hard to put a finger on and bring into the light of consciousness.

My whole life has been a harrowing investigation into all of this, a questioning of my own fantasies, beliefs and drives…a battle with myself and the unfortunate souls who’d found me entrenched in their lives. Where I observed a society tearing away at the most precious and joyful aspects of humanity, I had no choice but to hurl myself into the fire to test its most fundamental premises.

One of these premises is that for thousands of years, the world has been controlled by men. Women have since been occupied with an endless game of whac-a-mole, fighting the oppressions, sexual violations and existential threats inherent within our patriarchal systems. Meanwhile, we grit our teeth and deal while men learn to pry their death grip from the steering wheel and step aside so we can thrive together in a world that is fair and equal.

On that premise, I’m not holding my breath. Not that it’s wrong, it’s only mostly true, and it’s the bit that isn’t that has inspired this piece of writing.

I bow to the women who’ve fought exhaustively and dedicated their lives in their drive for equality, so that I can stand today upon their shoulders. They have made leaps and bounds in the realms of social progress, and we’d have nothing without them. And yet, from where we stand today, equality is not what I seek.

No. I want a full-out psychological overhaul.

In order to experience the fundamental changes we most desire, we have to come to terms with how we, as women, bolster patriarchal systems ourselves. Through thousands of years of these systems, we’ve deeply integrated ways of thinking that help to keep what is obsolete well-oiled and running. As women, it’s time we learn the deeper truths of ourselves, our rightful place, and our power.

Women are the real architects of society–Cher

Power pervades every aspect of our lives. It’s the foundation of our beliefs, perceptions and interactions. Most of us see power as the tool of politicians and the wealthy, the bullies and the beautiful. To have power is to have authority or command over others, the ability to do or acquire what we wish. It’s the use of force, manipulation and control.

Yet this form of power is often incomplete and without conscience. It lurks behind racism, misogyny, classism, and all forms of social hatred and division. It’s a false power that acts in part as our social fabric, which keeps the poor feeling less-than and powerless, while the gains of those who have can be taken away, so must be jealously protected at all costs.

Mesmerized by false power and status, inspired by thousands of years of patriarchal leadership, we’re stuck endlessly playing out a vicious cycle against our own well-being and interests, the result of which is the brink of disaster we now experience.

However, the form of power that most concerns us in this article is an altogether different animal. It’s something rare and precious, gained through our willingness to investigate into the truth of ourselves, even if that means breaking beyond the limitations of social ideals, roles and expectations. This power arises through honest self-assessment and its inevitable deaths, rebirths and transformations— the depth and wisdom of real life experience.

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.—Anais Nin

And it is this inward power that most frightens us as women. We dismiss or avoid it through our obsessive focus of jockeying for a safe and comfortable position on the patriarchal social ladder. I’ll explain.

We fear we’ll disrupt our relationships

One of our most deeply ingrained unconscious fantasies is that we want to be saved by a man. Love stories where women are swept off their feet from the perfect one are engrained into us from endless childhood fairy tales, books and movies. We love this stuff; ‘Cinderella,’ ‘Beauty and the Beast,’ ‘Outlander’ and ‘The Notebook.’ Romance is the highest selling bestseller list on Kindle. Heck, we’re so enamored with the notion of being that ‘special one’ that even Penn Badgley’s creepy, stalking (and murdering) character, Joe, from ‘You,’ gets ‘kidnap me, pls’ Tweets from women.

The drive for love gives us a sense of meaning and purpose. Yet, what most of us call love is really a mix of romantic fantasy and co-dependence. Yet, if we let ourselves in on this, It creates a shift in how we, as women, place our focus and view ourselves in the world; as whole beings in and of ourselves.

Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.― Oscar Wilde

One of the first ways this happens is through women recognizing their birthright as leaders in terms of sex. Women’s bodies carry the burden of sexual consequence. Accordingly, it’s up to women to reconnect with their bodies and become aware of their sexuality; i.e. their needs, their desires, their rhythms and reproductive cycles. Sex happens when women have a full ‘yes.’ It doesn’t happen otherwise.

Sex is about power, and women regain their personal power when they end the stigma and shame around sex, both towards themselves and each other. When we don’t face these issues, we feel empty and unsatisfied, so live with a gnawing sense of neediness and dissatisfaction. Stuck in the mother wound of feeling ‘less then,’ we lack boundaries or build walls, and are prone to self-sabotage and competition. Accordingly, we aren’t as successful in working together as women, as we often feel an underlying threat from them. Clearly, our sexuality, as presently played out, holds us within social disadvantage. To understand more about female sexual shame and policing, read here:

Working through sexual shame is fraught, I won’t lie, so our fear of it is reasonable. Still, it’s the only way to be done with it, and ultimately, it’s well worth the ride. Powerful women can’t be bought, or cheated, or manipulated. They also can no longer play small or hold onto the belief that they’re powerless. They will, accordingly, disrupt today’s standards and norms of relationship.

If more women are in leadership roles, we’ll stop assuming they shouldn’t be. —Sheryl Sandberg

We won’t keep up with the Joneses

To fail to ‘keep up with the Joneses’ is perceived as demonstrating socio-economic or cultural inferiority.

Social mobility. Consumerism. Prestige. Status: It’s the three-ring circus that never ends.

And it’s Bullshit.

When I was on my latest travels to Istanbul, my roommate, a young woman, informed me that she was going for botox shots and suggested I do the same. Her reasoning was that I’d “Never again have to worry about wrinkles. My skin would always and forever look smooth and young!”

I didn’t recall ever making comment about my wrinkles or my dislike for them. I was bound to have some at 47, and wasn’t aware they were grounds for worry or despair. Her invitation implied that my comfort with how I looked, wrinkles and all, was somehow inappropriate.

This same girl asked me that night to help her bleach her hair. I combed and applied creams to her roots while she bemoaned her disappointment with the nose job she’d gotten years ago. It did, I admit, look a little bit strange. And she sounded nasally when she spoke. I noticed her smile, and her frown, yet her brows never moved. They seemed forever frozen in place. Botox. Cool.

I tried to explain to her that no matter how many changes she made on the outside, it wasn’t going to conquer her insecurity, fear and emptiness she clearly felt. That would be an inside job. She told me she understood, but I don’t think she really did.

Women don’t consciously recognize the way they compete through beauty, often hurting themselves in the process. The American Society of Plastic Surgeons revealed that minimally invasive cosmetic procedures have increased nearly 200% since 2000. In 2018, more than 16.5 billion was spent on cosmetic plastic surgery. It’s the most the US has ever spent on such operations.

I could be wrong, but I’m willing to bet the growth in these procedures has less to do with the pure joy of decorating one’s body and a lot more to do with the fact that we’re growing all the more isolated and desperate for real human love and connection. It’s a striving to be noticed, a hope for a boost in confidence, a desire to be saved from our feelings of being alone.

If Women have such extra resources, however, rather than competing for beauty and perpetually trying to quell insecurities in ways that can never get to the root of them, what would happen if we came together and channeled such resources into projects such as feeding the poor, helping the homeless, or education reform?

I mean, what could be done with 16.5 billion dollars? What if women decided to come together in their power, choosing to honor their bodies as they are, and solve hunger and homelessness instead?

What do you think? Just an idea. Such projects would likely tickle that heartfelt part of us that’s so yearning to be touched.

We’d have to take responsibility for ourselves

To recognize how much power women actually possess to make the changes we desire in the world is daunting, and we’re afraid of it; reflected in this quote by by Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

What Ms. Williamson is referring to is throwing ourselves into the fire, being willing to face our fears and discover the truth of who we are.

Taking responsibility for ourselves and letting go of our own BS is the answer to our spiritually lobotomized society. We cannot point the finger of blame at men or hope they’ll make the decisions that will most serve us.

Those decisions are ours to make now.

We face devastating levels of mental illness, pollution, overpopulation and worldwide ecological collapse, so cannot afford to stay small and wait. As women take the lead and empower ourselves, we mature from the focus of ‘me’ into ‘we’—the wellbeing of all beings and this beautiful planet.

Finally, trust that when you lead, the men follow. They’ll want to in order to meet the gorgeous, open, sensuous, gracious, ferocious, loving, raw, no-bullshit woman that is you. Don’t be afraid of Her. She’s ready and waiting.